A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of days ago because he got violent and went for me repeatadly. now hes claiming that i attacked him....i was sober as a judge and remember everything, he was drunk and admits it though says if i fight like a man he will treat me like a man.I did not go for him, I did not attack him, worst I did was raise my voice. He has been txting me all day saying i should apologise as i am clearly in the wrong!!bare in mind he also called me every name under the sun...slut, tramp, bitch, rat...you name it!I have told him enough is enough, that i wont take him back after this. things are still hard though because he wont admit to what he did!i tell myself 'so what, move on, hes shown his true colours' however he was so loving, attentive, funny and kind before this happened. im convinced its the drink that made him do it.how do i get him to take responsibility for what he did?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 September 2012):
 Why is it so important to you that your ex accept responsbility for what he did? If he did own his actions, what would that give you?
Do you think, on some level, that he might be right to blame you? He's not. If you had that kind of power over him surely he'd have been a better person than he turned out to be. You are not to blame and what's more you handled the situation wisely. You kicked him out of your life.
His opinion no longer matters because he no longer matters.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 You can't. But you can commend yourself for uncovering his dark secret. He's a closet alcoholic, who drinks in excess, treats his loved ones poorly and then never accepts responsibility for his actions. You should definatey move on. Taking him back will only guarantee more of the same treatment the next time he tips the bottle. And yes, he will drink to excess again and again and again. Get out now before it turns ugly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): You can never "get" someone else to take responsibility for what they did.
you can hold him accountable for what he did, but doesn't mean he will take responsibility.
instead of fixating on him and what he needs to do but isn't doing, focus on your options and what you can do to improve your situation that does not depend on what he does or doesn't do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): "things are still hard though because he wont admit to what he did!"
He never will, nor will he when it happens again.
"however he was so loving, attentive, funny and kind before this happened"
Before means previous to after, and after he was so loving, funny, and kind he became violent. Before means then, after means now.
"im convinced its the drink that made him do it."
Whatever it was that "made him do it," he did it, which means he's capable of violence, which means he capable of becoming violent again, and whatever "made him do it" the first time is capable of "making him do it" again, and he will drink again.
"how do i get him to take responsibility for what he did?"
You can't "get" him to do anything he is not inclined to do otherwise.
You can muster up the pride, dignity, and self-respect to be properly offended, insulted, horrified, and outraged by his abhorrent behavior instead of presenting examples as evidence in defense of his baseless accusations and demands that you apologize.
You can be further offended, insulted, horrified, and outraged at baseless accusations and demands that you apologize instead of offering them as further proof that you're right and he's wrong so he should take responsibility.
You can take responsibility for your own life by making clean, final, safe break from drunken abusive coward bully instead of risking further violence in your all-important priority to prove your right and he's wrong in order to "get" him to take responsibility.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): He sounds as much the A'hole sober as he does drunk to be very honest.
So he went to hit you repeatedly when he was drunk, denying it sober and expecting you to take the blame is not better than the fact that he went to do it in the first place. The drink may have contributed to him losing his rag quicker than he may have otherwise done sober, but the fact still remains he has this aggressive and violent side to him.
Has this happened before? Or is this the first time? Not that it really matters because it will happen again, so stick to your decision and make this THE END!
There's no excuse for violence and it doesn't sound like he's going to take responsibility for his actions he's not big enough of a man to do it. Any man that hits or attempts to hit a woman drunk or not is a coward deep down.
Just put this down to experience and not one you want to repeat in a hurry. A lesson from this is probably the only but most important thing you will take away from this.
Do yourself a favor, stop responding to his attempts to contact you and do not contact him, he's no good.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (17 September 2012):
 I am astonished that you're even asking this question! Spare no thought for this abusive and manipulative man, and next time you see him, smash his balls in and even out the score. On a serious note, stay the hell away from this jerk.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): Is it the drink that's making him blame you too? I guess it'll be okay the next time this happens and he actually hits you because the drink made him do it.
Stop making excuses for him OP and stay away from him. Violent aggression is never okay and this relationship should be over because this is his true colours, if he can do this drunk then who's to say he won't do it again while drunk and succeed the next time?
Do you really want to become another domestic abuse victim, because he's already domestically abused you and the drink has nothing to do with it.
How is it acceptable to you for any guy to ever get second chance after something like that?
Really? All he has to do is take responsibility and say sorry and you'll be back with him?
Guess what OP, abusive assholes are the most loving, attentive guys that have ever walked the earth right after they smash your face in.
Don't be an idiot, what would you say to any of your friends in this situation? You'd tell them he's a dangerous asshole and stay away, well follow your own advice OP, drunk or not this kind of thing is unforgivable.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 September 2012):
 he was drunk
he was violent
he blacked out
he DEMANDS you apologize for something he does not remember?
if you will not take him back after what he did why does it matter that he admit what he did?
just because the drink made him do it does not mean it's forgivable.
I am engaged to and live with an alcoholic.... if you are strong enough to walk away do it.... and do not look back.
what will getting him to take responsibility for his actions do?
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A
female
reader, ktmae +, writes (17 September 2012):
 do not beleive anything that comes out of his mouth. If he wanted to change he would admit he was in the wrong if the way you tell the story is true. Alchol can make the sweetest of men turn into a monster and unfortunatly it doesnt usually get better.it only gets worse and the fact that he doesnt realize that he hurt you and that he is acting that way means he doesnt realize he has a problem . Please please please dont go down this path . If you wish wait for a while see if he will change on his own you cant make him do it . But do not put yourself in danger and yes it will be dangerous . Time to move on !!!
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (17 September 2012):
 The only way he can learn is the hard way, and that's by losing you. He has treated you appaulingly. Alcohol removes people's inhibitions, and this has shown his true nature. DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
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