A
male
age
30-35,
*91
writes:Hey guys,Not checked in here for a while, but I'm in a weird situation atm.It started off with a girl who was friends with on of my mates, my sister introduced us and we got to talking and got on like a house on fire, she is great, my dream girl, but she doesn't want to get into a relationship with anybody.My friend has liked her for some time, but she could do a lot better than him, so I wanted to make my move on her, after a night out, I was a little disappointed that I'd missed my chance, and I text her that I wanted to speak to her, she ended up coming round to my house and we talked for a while and ended up going into my room and hanging out for a bit, where I got nervous as I was a virgin, we didn't have sex but we did other stuff.Since then we'd kinda been meeting in secret as for no-one to find out, and we've been having a fantastic time, basically friends with extras and I'm loving it.Problem is, she recently told me that she doesn't want do do this anymore, that she feels 'slaggish' for doing this kinda stuff with only a mate (She had done other stuff with this guy too, but she regretted it, I've also since fallen out with this guy over her).I don't want her to think that I'm only after her for the sex, because it's not that way at all, if I had my way, we would be dating because she is perfect for me but I can't tell her that, because she'd already told me she wouldn't want to do things if I'd gotten too attached and she's getting the wrong idea that I'm only after her for one thing (I can actually see it from her view point atm though, because since losing my virginity to her, I've been pretty sex mad). I just love even having the chance to spend time with her, like when we are out in her car just joking around or even just hanging out watching a movie.Please guys, if any of you know how I can show that I'm not just in this for the sex, please help me out, I really don't wanna lose what we have at the minute, she is the perfect girl for me and I'd be devastated for things to change.Thankyou!
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reader, N91 +, writes (25 April 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the answer Aiden, we've spoken about it since, after I picked her up from a night out, so she was a little tipsy, but was making a little sense and put her viewpoint of the situation across. We have agreed that we wouldn't have sex for some time, she will be the one to decide when I've waited long enough.
I have no problem with this at all as I really don't want to lose her and really do enjoy spending time with her, so I'm happy that she isn't completely going to take it away, just make me wait a little so I'm not expecting it every time.
I can't tell her that I like her because she doesn't want anything further than friends, she's made various comments over the time we've known each other like 'Why would anyone want a boyfriend at our age?' and just in general that she doesn't want the hassle of a boyfriend and besides, if I told her, she'd break it off anyway, so that's a lose-lose situation for me.
I've told her many times that I'm not only after her for sex, but she kinda takes it with a pinch of salt, but like I said, I can understand her view point recently as I've been very horny and we had quite a lot of sex. I was a little surprised though because we would always speak about what stuff we are going to do to each other the next time we met up so I thought it was going well and she was enjoying it as much as I was.
I've not had the chance to prove to her that we can just hang out normally as she hasn't been to my house since the last time we had sex, however I have been with her, like in her car and spoke to her casually and stuff.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (25 April 2011):
It’s time to take action. If you do nothing, you’ll be stuck in a rut, and you risk losing her if she fears that you are only after sex. But there are plenty of ways that you can show her that she means more to you than this. What you’re trying to do is show that you care for her, and value her as a person-not just a sexual object, and you don’t have to make grand, expensive or extravagant gestures to do that. Focus on the things you like about her, and pay her lots of complements. IF you like the way she makes you laugh, for example, tell her. Perhaps suggest meeting up and telling her when you do that if she’s not comfortable doing anything sexual, that that’s okay as you’d just like to spend time with her. Suggest doing something that you’d both enjoy-having dinner, watching a film or whatever, and be sure to tell her at the end of it what a good time you had. Also, just take a general interest in her life-ask her how she is, how her day was etc.
Those are subtle but highly effective little things you can do. You might want in addition to be more direct by telling her outright that if she’s worried that you’re only after sex, you’re not and that you really like her. Again, maybe tell her what qualities she has that you like to enhance the point. Whether you then want to take this even further and tell her you have feelings for her above and beyond friendship is entirely up to you. If you do, again follow my advice by telling her the things about her that you find attractive. You don’t have to avoid references to her looks-indeed I’d advise against doing that, but be sure also to complement her on her qualities as a person too and what it is about her that makes her special to you. The obvious risk with doing that is that she’s stated that she doesn’t want to date again, but you have to decide whether or not you can live with not taking the plunge by at least giving her the chance and telling her how you feel,. But if you do want to but are concerned that so-doing will spoil the friendship, tell her that you don’t want to ruin the friendship, and if it’s a no to anything more, tell her that you accept that and although it may be awkward at first, you’re friendship I’m sure will be strong enough to survive this. On the other hand, she might just say yes.
Plenty to think about, and please take you’re time. I’ve tried to give you lots of options here, but you mustn’t see this as a decision you’ve got to make right now as to how far you go. You could start by focusing first on building a friendship and think a bit more about whether to tell her you’ve got feelings for her, for example. Either way, do something otherwise this friendship might suffer if she thinks you’re only after one thing. If you think that this is how she feels, be sure to put it right. Best of luck.
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