A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 20 years old and my girlfriend 18. We love each other. It’s our first real relationship. We have been together for 9 months. We are comfortable with each other. The problem with our relationship is that she’s very clingy and needy. But I don’t want to break up with her, I want to fix up things.First of all, she has problems with her family. She hates her family (as she said), they don’t care about her. And I see it by myself. Her father used to hit her when she was younger, they didn’t give her attention at all. They hardly give her money to go out or even to visit a doctor for a health issue!Now about me.. I live alone in the city in an apartment (I used to live with my family in the suburbs, but my university is in the city). I’m really nice to her, I’m romantic, and I give her a lot of attention.We, as a couple, had many problems in the past. The only problem now is her clinginess. As an example, last night she got mad at me because I called her at work (as we do everyday) and she asked me to meet at her workplace when she’s done (at 1am) and go to sleep at her house. This means, I have to get dressed, I have to leave my place at midnight, take the bus and go there. Also I don’t like sleeping at her place. It’s a messy house, her whole family and some family friends also sleep there. I don’t like it, I want to wake up in my own comfortable environment and enjoy my morning and my breakfast.I have to say that I used to do these things in the past, but I don’t want anymore. I’m tired, and I don’t find it ‘right’ anymore.Another thing is that, we are sleeping together (at my place) like 14 out of 15 days. And then we spend the whole day together. This is not healthy. I sometimes need my space.. She has girlfriends, but she doesn’t make an effort to call them to hang out.And who pays when we go out? I always pay for her.. Always. She is working and she has her own money, they are not much, and she prefers to spend most of them on cosmetics and clothes, cuz she knows that I will pay the coffee she will order. I was paying for her the first months and since then, she takes it for granted.When I asked her today, what makes you happy in this relationship, she said she’s happy when we’re having fun together, when I fulfill her needs (and if I do it, I have to do it like I want it). I feel like she’s with me because I satisfy her needs and I give her everything her parents refused to give her in the past.I don’t know what to do.. I can’t do anything she wants. I want a balance in this relationship.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 October 2009):
You're like the life raft in her life that she's clinging too because she has nobody else. This isn't a good thing, as you've noticed. However, to get her to be more independent, you both need to address her confidence issues. This means sitting down and talking. Gently, you need to get her to open up to you about why she wont see friends. You also need to talk to her about going to hers. If you aren't all that comfortable, explain to her that you feel you can't be as intimate as you'd like because you're at her house. And I do agree with softtouchmale about space to yourself. You need to explain to her that in order for the relationship to function properly, you do need to have time to do things for yourself. Press her a little more to go out with her own friends. Hope that helps a bit.
A
female
reader, SweetCheeks. +, writes (10 October 2009):
Sorry, I didn't reall all, too tired. But I am clingy, and needy and sometimes we just want to know that you guys are there for us girls!
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (10 October 2009):
 It seems to me that her demands are not too bad, but I agree going to sleep with her in a messy house with all these other people around well its not intimate.
I think she's not being clingy. She needs a lot of attention because she's in a home with a lot of people who ignore her and neglect her needs, and so you're her outlet for the needs-fulfillment thing.
The correct balance believe it or not would be for her to spend most of her time with you at your place and AWAY from the nutty family and all the other people cluttering up her home.
Now thats really a logistics issue.
Deep-down I think what you're thinking is that her neediness and clinginess has to do with her insecurities. Well maybe.
But one thing's important is that she needs to know that you do love her very much, and, you want her to feel that intimacy and love. That means paying attention not only to her needs and her heart, but she has to open up to you as well, and you to her, so that she can start doing things for you, even if they happen to be little things.
Right now she's still focused on her woes, but she needs to know that if she spends time thinking about what you need for yourself, a little space, then maybe she can understand that and give that to you. At the same time you can call her and tell her you're thinking about her; and you want her to enjoy her time with her friends too.
The balance though has to come from both of you working together as a couple.
For what its worth, it sounds to me like you're quite fortunate except for the trip to her place. I'd hate to share a hotel room with 5 other people in order to sleep with someone. It seems a bit crowded to be intimate.
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