A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I asked a question on here a few weeks back. My boyfriend of only a few month has gone home for 4 weeks over xmas. Hes away so long as his father is ill. In the first two weeks he was in touch all day every day, he was very loving and seemed to be really missing me. In the last 4 days however hes barely been in contact. All communication has been initiated by me and he responds by simply answering my questions. He was going to come home on 27th but when i message him saying i cant wait to see him on 27th he replied saying he doesnt know when he'll be back. I'm not sure what to do. As we've only been together a few months i'm worried the distance has started to take its toll. I also want him to know what i'm there for him but dont want to suffocate him. I also dont want to do a lot of chasing incase he gets bored/sick of me. I have no idea when he'll be back. How do i ensure our relationship survives this distance? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 December 2013):
 You can't be there for him because you are not THERE...what you really mean is that you want to be kept in the loop so you know whats going on.
If you want to avoid chasing him...then stop chasing.
Years ago we didn't need to be in daily contact with our boyfriends. We might have called them once or twice a week to arrange a date but when they were out of sight, they pretty much just got on with life and so did we.
Now days people are obsessed with contact and texting and phoning...and if someone doesn't respond quick enough the other half (usually the woman) throws a fit and plunges herself into dramaville!!!
He's with his sick dad...you are not the priority here!! Back off and give the guy some space.
How do you ensure the relationship survives the distance???...you can't...so quit trying to control everything.
Sorry to be tough but you are torturing yourself and over thinking a situation that means very little. Get on with your life, it's all you can and should do.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 December 2013):
 He’s not on a pleasure trip. He’s with his sick father. It’s possibly the last holiday season he will have with his dad, cut him a break.
You are not sure what to do? It’s easy.. you clearly LIKE THIS GUY A LOT… so contrary to what you think you should do.. you must DO THE OPPOSITE. BACK OFF Stop calling him daily, stop texting him… give him some breathing room.
He’s coming back… this distance is not infinite it has an end and probably by the first of the year or so he will have to come back to real life and work. And if not, well then you go on and live your life.
You have only been dating a few months… it takes time to build a relationship and you can’t force it. Add in a sick parent and it’s a no brainer that a new relationship has to go on the back burner. YOU are currently NOT his priority. And rightfully so.
Having lost a parent at 35 I can tell you it becomes an all-encompassing thing to deal with a sick and/or dying parent who is out of town. I took a leave of absence from my job and went to stay with my mom. I barely called my young children who were with their father at the time. I did not call work, or talk to any of my friends… my entire day and night was spent with my dying mother. My leave from work was not dated… I took an open ended leave and planned to stay with her till she died. He may be doing that and since you are not that close yet he may not be discussing it with you. A few months is not a long time to be in a relationship and sexual intimacy makes us believe we have emotional intimacy when we don’t yet.
THE ONLY way you will survive this is to live your life and go about your day. HE will get to you when he can. Let’s talk about the worst thing that will happen… what is the WORST thing that will happen? He will break up with you? And then what… a year ago you didn’t know he existed… your life will not stop if he stops being part of your life. You already sound like you’ve bought the dress.
So what to do:
BACK OFF
Be there for him when he contacts you and asks for stuff
Acknowledge him when he contacts you but do not badger him, do not smother him, do not mother him.
LET HIM BE… let him focus on his dad… if you two are meant to be you have the rest of your lives together… who knows how long he has with his dad.
Stop being selfish. I know you don't see it as selfish because you just want to hear from him and talk to him. I get that... my husband and I met when we lived two hours drive time apart. OUR entire first year of dating was LDR and the insecurity of not seeing each other daily or even having daily contact early on can be hard for folks who need that constant reassurance. But you will destroy this if you nag him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): A few months ago, you had a life without this man. With family, friends and things to do. If you've neglected all of them, that is not good. Pick up where you left off and don't be so dependent on someone else for you to breathe, wash, eat and go about living. You've done it for over 30 years.Don't think I'm being mean because 'I don't understand'. I understand. I've been there. I've done it - months at a time apart from my other half. We survive it. It's brings us closer. We're happy. You know how? Because I remain the person that he fell in love with; with my family, friends and activities that I enjoy. Neither of us suddenly dropped everything as soon as we parted to start pining. It serves no-one.He's probably busy / stressed. He needs you to be strong. He cannot be handholding you when his father is ill.It sucks that you don't know when you'll see each other again but if you are compatible it will work.If you are compatible it will work. Carrying on like you are now will only stress him and make you look needy (less attractive) and will only hurt your chances.What can you do? Send a text a day saying hello, hope you are well and making the most of your time with family. Then play it by ear. If he doesn't respond, don't keep sending the same text. Leave it a few days and then send another quick one.Ultimately, there's nothing you Alone can do to make it work. If you do your half of supporting him, hopefully he will do his half of keeping you close.
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