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How do I deal with my aunt?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 August 2012) 11 Answers - (Newest, 22 August 2012)
A female United States age 22-25, *adycandy2911 writes:

Hey I'm 19 years old and I live with my aunt and she strict and mean. I am in college the only one in fact but she disapproves , I'm paying for school my self so it's no money out get pockets. And the problem is she never lets me do anything like u ask to go out with friends she say no she calls me a whore and yells at me I won't argue with her cuz she might have her kids fight me in what not. ( has happen before her son strangled me). I didn't get my first boyfriend until college and when she found out she called me all types of whores like I do everything for her , I do all the cooking and cleaning and it's been like this since high school while her kids had no chores. I ven have to take her nieces who she just took in to all their appointments and her grandkids. Ooh and if i say im tired she says i dont do anything to be tired. And her reasoning fur not cleaning and cooking anymore was since she took me in I should wanna do it and she's at the age where she doesn't need to docthst anymore. I even have to go over her oldest daughte house and cook and clean and babysit her 5 children and I refuse she threaten to throw me out or call me a whore. Remind you I didn't have a boyfriend until college and was the only one who was the legal age when I finally had sex and that I don't even do often or ever cuz she always wants me in the house . But that's th least of my concerns I wanna be able to go out and enjoy my life like her kids do, she gives me all the responsibility but no freedom. And I'm not asking for much either I wanna go spend the night at my BFF house or go on dates like she would purposly do hints like if I said my bf wanted to take me out she would bring all her grand kids over and leave me with them so I have to watch them. Like I have to get permission to anything like just to the store and I'm 19 like wth. If I even ask to go out shes like no ur gonna die or no the house needs cleaning and I'm like is 7 other ppl her that can do that like I don't mind cleaning but like when other ppl can do it it's like why do I have to. Ooh and I'm trying to ind a job so I can move out but since I wasn't allowed to work when I was 16 that kinda mess me up for experience for jobs by I do try I came closets having one but her son found out and told her and she took my phone I lost the job oppertunity because they were gonna call me into work but missed out when she took my phone and she doesn't want me to work but I don't care cu I need to leave. So basically I'm asking how do I deal with her? How do I get the freedom I want to be able to hang out?

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (22 August 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntLovely-sounding Aunt you've got there....

Figure out how to get away from her.... and never look back...

Good luck.... Study hard!!!!

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (22 August 2012):

Abella agony auntWhatever she feels about your relatives she has no right to take it out on you.

If she feels resentful about any of your relatives then that is her problem. But she is going the wrong way about things. And if she thinks she is being 'nice' she is a hypocrite.

Just stay calm on the surface. Give nothing away about your plans. Don't even bother to answer her back. Just focus on getting out and into a safe place where you are respected. And where you can get on with studying and working part time.

And learn to budget your money real tight so that you always have enough $ for every account you need to pay.

Your Aunt can bad mouth all she likes. But once you finish your education and you start building your career - then you will be the one who is the winner.

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A male reader, SensitiveBloke United Kingdom +, writes (22 August 2012):

SensitiveBloke agony auntYour aunt sounds mentally ill.

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A female reader, cute angel Australia +, writes (22 August 2012):

cute angel agony auntI think your aunt most of all needs help like physchiatric help,which I am sure you would suggest she would never listen..I can't believe in this day and age people can get soo abusive..

I know you said your mom dint want to keep any of her kids,abut how would she feel had she known how her daughter is treated!can't you talk to your mom and tell her until your independent,find a job and stand on your feet which will be very soon I hope would she be okay letting you stay with her or just helping your find another place..

And yeah you can always use the womens helpline they would definitely be able to do something about your situation..

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A male reader, SensitiveBloke United Kingdom +, writes (22 August 2012):

SensitiveBloke agony auntShe will always treat you like this while you live there so you MUST somehow find somewhere else to live. Where are your parents? Can you move in with friends?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (22 August 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI agree that it's wrong what your aunt is doing.

and yes you must get out....

since you are borderline being abused can you call a woman's shelter and see if you can get housing there or assistance in being placed?

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A female reader, Ladycandy2911 United States +, writes (22 August 2012):

Ladycandy2911 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My mother didn't keep any of her kids so all my siblings are scattered all over and also Im not loud I'm quiet I'm really nice I get along with everyone and I don't dress revealing or sexy just normal in always covered I don't like guys stating st my breast so I like to stay covered but she always calls me whores for not reasons at all. Sometimes she'll wake me up 5-6 in the morning to tell at me it's crazy

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A female reader, cute angel Australia +, writes (22 August 2012):

cute angel agony auntWow this reminds me of 'cindrella story' which stars hillary duff..

Why do you live with your aunt again?you'v not mentioned about your parents..

Before you can settle in and find a job and move out do you have a relative that you could live with or may be a close friend who you can move in with and repay at the time you start earning..

I'm sure they have facilities there as in housing facilities that helps young students..

I know talking to your aunt won't help cause if she had a heart she would never treat you like how she did in the first place..

I really feel for you..good luck and I really hope and pray you get thru this phase..

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (22 August 2012):

Abella agony auntSadly I think your Aunt has gone way too far. I do not think you have an obligation to deal with her. Her actions towards you are disrespecful and she is using you and abusing

Your Aunt is not your friend.

And she is a very Selfish woman.

You most certainly are being treated like the Cinderella in that unhappy home. If she has taken on too many 'helping' tasks that is her decision.

I think she is trying to undermine you and your studies and your future. All with the selfish aim on her part of getting you to drop your studies, not earn and income and become 100% dependant on her. Just so she can have you there all the time as her personal in-house unpaid servant.

Time to stop. You do need a job to help you pay for your education. Keep your phone safe at all times. Arrange interviews not at home. Do not discuss any job you have applied for. Do not seek the approval of her not any of the persons associated with her.

Talk to a counselor at your school about options for accomodation that are safe and affordable and will be close to your work and to your school,

As you have a boy friend. Not multiple FWB you certainly should not be insulted daily. Do you have a parent who was wild? Is she worried that you might emulate that parent? You are not that parent you are you. It is very unfair of her to speak to you so disrespectfully.

I expect that you do you dress nicely and never in a flaunting too loud or too nasty way or cheap way. Therefore she should not imply that you are a whore. She is no friend of yours if she does that.

After reading your message I tried to think of anything ppositive that she does towards her and I could not fing much.

So in the future:

Do NOT warn her you are planning to leave.

In fact do not discuss leaving with any of your relatives nor with others who might say it to A who tells B who rings up C who tells their Mom who then calls your Aunt. Hold your cards close to your chest.

Make sure you keep your sleeping area in her home tidy so if you had to you could pick up one large carry-all and leave with all your things in five minutes, if you had to.

Do NOT leave your phone around where she could confiscate it.If you can find a phone that has a lanyard so you can wear it around your neck (except when you shower)

Do NOT discuss any job interviews or any job accpetances.

In fact I think it would be better if you found a safe affordable convenient new home and then a new job.

Being her ever present baby sitter, cook, cleaner, everything else and with the added burden of verbal abuse is not a good situation.

When you do leave make sure you walk out quietly. NO fanfare. NO advance warning. In fact better that you leave first and call her up later to let her know you will not be back. Since you are over 18 she cannot make you return. And you do NOT need to give her a forwarding address.

And to stop her relatives from harassing you change your email, suspend your FaceBook and change your phone number. And do not tell her where you are working.

Make sure the school is aware of your wish for privacy. Once again since you are over 18 they must respect that.

Be thankful that you are not under 16 since then your situation would be more vulnerable.

Good luck with the future.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012):

You need to find another place to live. I don't think there is anything you are going to be able to do to deal with her, so save every penny you can, find a place and some roommates to share the rent and get out. Otherwise you will have to continue to live this way.

You can get a job... fast food places, convenient stores and all those dollar stores are always are over 18 so it should be easier, even without experience, they all train their future employees.

Good luck.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (22 August 2012):

eyeswideopen agony auntWow this is a real Cinderella story. I can only say you need to find that job so you can move out. She doesn't sound like someone you can negotiate with so leaving is your only option. Once you find that job do you have some friends you can share rent with?

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