A
female
age
41-50,
*omplicatedthing
writes:I'm 40 something married for 14 years and very much hopelessly in love with another man. I noticed him for the first time 3 years ago. Before then he was completely invisible to me in social settings with my husband. We collided while traveling to a mutual destination at a connection point in an airport. My husband and he are business associates from different branch offices in different states. My husband and he were speaking with each other about company business. At some point the person of concern turned to acknowledge me with small talk. I was in no mood to small talk as I didn't enjoy flying and was focused on getting to our destination. I was a bit aloof and maybe even a little rude in shutting him down. I recall that I was not in a the best of moods to begin with. Our flights were called and off we went to our assigned seats taking to the sky.We landed and shuttled to our hotel. Over the course of the next few days we managed to be more social at events with others. Then one night we were talking to each other and I realized he was really a nice person. I looked at him eye to eye for the first time and wham! Something sparked in me that was truly susprising. My head started feeling cloudy and a strong current went through my spin then I saw him clearly as if I had known him before. At this point I thinking that someone might notice that we were lingering and get the wrong idea. It was late and my husband had already retired earlier for an early morning meeting leaving me to socialize with old friends.We found it difficult to part because of the magnetism between us. I know I should have pulled the plug instantly and ran as fast as I could to the safety of the hotel room, but I was paralyzed to do so. Next thing I knew we were locked in an embrace and passionate kisses. I was thinking what the hell are we doing? We broke away to gather ourselves both surprised at the reality of what had just happened. We then tried to talk ourselves out of this action. Within moments I realized what I was doing with him alone was way way wrong, but I couldn't stop. It was comfortable and familiar and felt natural. We both sat back in our chairs in complete silence and looked at each other like we had just rediscovered a past life love. Then we talked some more. Still I belonged to another as did he AND this was wildly inappropriate so we parted ways.We spoke over the phone a couple of times about it afterward and agreed to leave it alone and in the past. We have seen each other at similar organized functions and even with crowds of people around us found it difficult to maintain our cool over the years. It's alway as if we never parted and the feelings are just as strong if not stronger. We look forward to being near each other if only for moments. This last time was the hardest of all for us yet the most special. We confessed our love and desire to be together even without the prospect of sexual contact. We have remained free of such intimacy so far, but wish to have quality time together and alone.You're asking where are the spouses in this? My husband is more like a friend in ways who gives me a really long leash because he is not particularly romantic thinking or sexual. I have learned this over the years and have come to accept it. I have always wanted to be his lover and not just a wife. I have fought for us to be more intimate and mutually appreciative of each other, but I often end the day alone with my chardonnay and feeling lonely. I'm an attractive young minded person with a zest for living. I fight other men and women off regularly. My husband is attractive, but conservative and regimented. He's also squeamish about discussing sex and intimacy and isn't willing to step outside his comfort zone. His idea of pleasure is being alone with his books. My love is happily married with teens and maintains he's never cheated on his wife, which he loves of 17 years. He's never had an affair before and has to this point been faithful. He says that he's been trying to figure out why he can't stop thinking about me. He's rapping his head around why this is happening to us and how to manage his feelings. He's coming to terms with his feelings for me realizing it's becoming more obvious each time we are near. We're both afraid of the consequences, but cannot seem to turn off the fountain of emotions. There's other factors like he is now temporarily relocating between 2 states for 2 week cycles while managing a new office. We want to spend time together and planning to see each other under these conditions for now. Dangerous curves ahead.I've rationalized and struggled with this and it's killing me not to be with him in person. Unless he no longer works for the company we will keep being challenged not to snap in public. So I'm navigating this thing and conjuring myself into a safety bubble. I know it could never work between us. We both aren't looking for an affair. I can pull the plug now while I'm strong enough, but all it will take is to hear his voice or see his face and we're back to that first moment when cupid tapped us.I've confided in a close friend who encourages me to think it through. We're not teens with a crush, infatuation or over active hormones. We're shockingly, surprisingly, splendidly in love and it's becoming complicated. I've decided to end it before people get hurt and for all the other right reasons. One reason is that I don't want him to think of me as the cheating kind should we become free to pursue other relationships. His wife and children don't deserve the fallout. My husband though we are childless is my family and he needs me to be his wife and companion.What is the best way to break from my affair of the heart with this man? By phone or in person?
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female
reader, complicatedthing +, writes (28 July 2009):
complicatedthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband has heard it in all forms. He flat-lined on our honeymoon 14 years ago and has never showed signs of improvement. I'm exhausted past the point of illustration and appeals to meet my needs. He is by nature consistently slow to act on any challenge outside his comfort zone. That is a real turn off for me. I can't even get him to kiss me right. He won't take my tongue or allow me to take his. French kiss is wet noodle. He won't be aggressive with me and when he does it's only because I demanded it. He wants me to initiate everything. He actually becomes aggravated when I ask for more creativity. He likes sex but he doesn't want to work for it. It's more like now that we're in bed I'll touch her hip and wait. Wham bam thank you mame got my one orgasm love you goodnight. See you in a few weeks. Meanwhile, men and women are lusting after me each reminding him how lucky he is. It's only when others show interest in me that he raises his game...a little. He maintains that he is no acrobat in bed. He has suggested on occasion that I take a lover and is willing to look the other way.Having said all that I realize that the attraction between me and my emotional lover might be purely passion. We have friendship with our spouses and both lack passion. He told me when I saw him last that he has never experienced the stirring of such passion before. This is what keeps his heart beating for me. His heart races each time he lays eyes on me or hears my voice.Passion is illogical, but a necessary part of life. I wonder if it's possible for the spouses to consent to allow us to see each other on a schedule? We would stay in our marriages and keep things as they are? Would I consent to such a thing if the tables were turned? Knowing all the facts and their need for honesty it would depend on how it is presented.If we can't be out in the open then I don't want it. I just telephoned and ended it with my emotional lover. As of today it's over between us. PROBLEM SOLVED.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): You want the lover because you want and crave the intimacy your husband does not want to provide you. You need to be loved all the way, every way. I think it may be best to take a break from your relationship and tell your husband why you feel this way if you haven't done it in your last big talk. Why can't you get your husband to change? Why don't both of you see a sex counsellor to teach him, yes teach the scholar, the merits of intimate sex. Have you told your husband that he either become the man you want him to be or you are putting the relationship on hiatus because you have grown as a woman and you absolutely crave this to the point that you are willing to walk?
Imagine your life with your lover a few years down the road. In what ways will your relationship be better than what you have now, in what ways worse? Are you sure he is the catch that you think he is. Could you be upsetting the applecart to your future detriment?
Some books that may help:
Why am I afraid to Love
Fully Human, Fully Alive
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A
female
reader, complicatedthing +, writes (28 July 2009):
complicatedthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the newest comments. I agree with some and welcome all. A wise woman should never get involved with an entangled married man. Because of organized societal structure unenlightened persons cannot be objective in such matters to include all parties.A little more history why I should know better. In the early 1990s, I was tricked into a married man situation that that I allowed to steal 4 1/2 years of my life. He lied to me from the onset and told me he was separated. The truth was that he was separating because he was under threat of divorce for crimes of infidelity and cruelty. He then dragged me into his divorce court mess. I fell in love with him before I knew the truth and my son got caught in the fray. Even though he did follow through with his divorce the process took a toll on our relationship early on. As he became free he started cheating on me regularly. Turns out he was just a cheating bastard of a man with no morals or concern for anyone other than self. He was an evil man. I was so immature and being a single mom I didn't ask gritty questions, but instead made all efforts to show myself as loving and marriageable. I wanted him to buy the cow and calf like mom always instructed, so I could give my son a father and make my family proud of me again. I did it for the benefit and comfort of others. I was young and stupid and being abused daily. Once I had the courage to break away, I met my now husband. The trade-off was years of devotion without the prospect of mutual passion.(PAUSE) He just rang in to my phone line as scheduled (TALKING).PHONE CALL: I presented to my emotional lover that he needs to take a good look at what he's doing. To get to the bottom of his why and look at what it would mean to his marriage should suspicion arise. His response was "Not good, but it's complicated". I pointed to consideration of what he stands to loose should he allow his feelings for me to continue developing. His reply, "This is a surprise to me these feeling persists after 3 years". I warned if he is not completely honest with himself that he would feel like a heel. I would not be content with the prospect of sneaking around behind backs. Without an objective understanding of the driving force fueling his emotions at least 6 persons will be hurt should anyone catch wind of our bond from 3rd parties.I often contemplate if it is realistic and logical to attempt a casual discard of deep feelings for someone you care about. Are social pressures, opposition and controlled abstinence defeating? Seems to me the harder people bear down against a human issue the stronger it becomes. In essence, it takes on a life of its own with survival of the thing at it core.-------------------------------------What do you think of the philosophy of Objectivism as developed by Ayn Rand? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectivism_(Ayn_Rand)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): I believe once a man has an outside relationship there is nothing left for his wife. People say men don't leave their wife. Yes they are automatically. It's just a fotocopy that left. he is there because of peer pressure, society, or assets. no love no marriage. Sometimes for the children. Period.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Let me comment a little about this. In every story about a married man dating another woman, the lies the married men are giving to other women are sooo similar. meaning similar stories. I'm unhappy, my wife don't treat me right, I'm so lonely, I will file for divorce you just have to wait, I love you, I want to have a life with you. Travel, go to movies, spend time to the park. Go to expensive concert, worl most expensive restaurants. You are beautiful and sexy. It seems like they give the other woman the romance of their life. I realise that's why all these women are hurting so bad when the married man pulls himself out. These men have the same language, the same style too. So it's the game.If they're not so happy, why they don't leave?Wow! unbelievable. HeheheheheYYYYYYYYY!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): You are doing the right thing YES, no affair is ever worth the lies pain and agony, you think you have found love, but will the OTM ever leave his wife NO he won,t off course he won't, what he will do is feed you every line why he can't, but he can't live with out you, he can't stop thinking about you and on it goes,but once he has slept with you and have given away your inner self to him it will be one excuse after another, why he can't see you why he can't leave and then when you are well and trully hooked, demoralised and feeling like shit you sit back and ask what is it all about.You should invest time, effort and talk clearly to your husband about your feelings needs and want's only then can you make a true judgement about what it is you would like out of life, and a married man is never the answer, we all meet people from the opposite sex that we either click with find funny or just down right fancy, fantasies are safe affairs are mind blowingly dangerous, keep you freindship and your dignity and don't even consider having an affair,it will be your whole life downfall. Good Luck with life and your husband I hope he listens to you..
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A
female
reader, complicatedthing +, writes (27 July 2009):
complicatedthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNever implied I'd coldly decided to help myself to another woman's man. It sounds so removed and inconsiderate. Re-read completely the storyline and keep in mind these further posts are merely updates. Obviously, I'm considerate to consult with myself and others who would be objective about this human condition. Having never dealt with or cared to pursue such an experience outside of my life plan is now in my face. Guarantee this is not consuming of my life schedule and I doubt on the part of the second party. Not for kicks. I'm not an out there needy covetous person. Life is mysterious and cannot always be consistently and systematically controlled or managed without unexpected blips along the way. I'm here YOU ARE HERE and this is my unexpected blip on the path. You don't know me from a can of paint to assume the worst. I am at the least of myself flawed and not infallible. At my best I am focused, self-aware, respectful and caring of others. There is absolutely no attempt at justification here. You are witnessing a fierce trial of hearts and not a cunning seedy plot. I have more than enough to account for in my life and don't have time to indulge in momentary emotional distractions. Whatever is at the root of these feelings will be flushed out and I will adjust accordingly. I'm mature enough to know that things aren't always what they first seem whatever the matter. So please be an objective observer and allow me to self-correct my position as I talk it out of my system.I could just stop consulting Cupid and declare that "All is well in Mayberry" and sign off leaving readers to assume the worst or hope for the best until someone else stumbles.I appreciate you all. Thank you for your input either way. Goodnight.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): so strange you decide to help yourself to another womans man and still complain about your marriage. if you want to do one decent thing please end your affair with this married man. you are deliberately destoying a family and it seems as though this is just for kicks, isn't it. too much of drama in your life, have you created it?? this affair is nothing but trouble and devastation. yes, walk away from your marriage by all means but do not take another womans husband. you should try to do the right thing, if you can, that is. stop trying to justify and rationalising your affair.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 July 2009):
 Personally, if a married man were interested in me, and I in him [this is hypothetical, of course, so take that with a grain of salt], I think I would wait for him to be single before doing any 'exploring' of feelings with him.
Let's play it out, suppose you take a year or two of your life and explore a relationship with him, but he never leaves his wife. You'd have invested your time and energy and devotion in an unavailable man, when you could have been out meeting actually available men and getting on with your life. How many opportunities would you have missed, overlooked or simply not been present for because you were home waiting by the phone. How many weekends and holidays and vacations would you be by yourself?
Is it that he represents freedom? A change? A way to end it with your husband, the catalyst to the future?
You sound like an intelligent woman. I know you're working through all the possibilities. Just be careful you don't hurt innocent people in the process.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, complicatedthing +, writes (26 July 2009):
complicatedthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for understanding. Now here's the kicker. I tried unsuccessfully to break with him over the phone a couple of days ago. He said he has deep feelings for me and wants to allow it to develop. He says he wasn't looking for this to happen, but facing that it is happening. I've been thinking of him more and more and finding it difficult to close the door on this before someone gets hurt. If he's so happily married why is he opening his heart to me? I've been wondering what type of relationship he really has with his spouse. I know better! I'm not seeking an affair. I'm not seeking a relationship, but I feel so warmly toward him. Realistically, there can be no future for us as a couple. I don't want to be a stepmom though his kids are approaching college age. I'm not a pet person and he has dogs. I'm a city girl and he climbs mountains. People will talk. Gotta go right now. Back soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): I understand. The only thing that worked for me was to not see 'him' anymore. We worked together. Thankfully for me, during a downsizing at our company, he was laid off. I hated for that to have happened to him, as I do not want to see anyone lose their job. It force me to go 'cold turkey'. It's been a difficult five months since I've seen him, but it was necessary to break ties. I have been married for 40 years. I made a vow. Life is so very difficult at times. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): Good on you for taking the tiger by the tail and telling your husband that your needs are not being met. I wonder why he married you if he wasn't that into you. Maybe you pushed him into it and he succumbed to your charms at the time...I think you should have told him you wanted a lover FOR A HUSBAND. I realize now that you didn't tell him about your affair. I would also allow more time for your talk to sink in. Let it simmer in his head for a week and then check on the stew. Perhaps, if he knows WHAT YOU WANT he will be more amenable to changing his behavior with you. Also, please use your powers of female persuasion to seduce your husband. I think you have to inculcate into your husbands psyche that YOU WANT HIM. FLIRT. Use you eyes to look at him in that "je ne sais quoi" way, smile, do the head tilt, run your fingers through your hair. TOUCH him subtly.You are extremely young so if you have decided that your revelations steer you away from your relationship into a period of independence then hopefully you will come out a more enlightened and expressive woman who knows more what she wants and how to get it.Cheers.
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A
female
reader, complicatedthing +, writes (22 July 2009):
complicatedthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input. Composing this SOS yesterday actually prompted me to address with my husband the underlying issues forcing my hand. The goal was to break with my love interest. I started the evening mourning the loss of my 3 year love affair. At the same time and without forethought I decided to flush out the whole mess. I ended up breaking with my husband and he didn't even put up a fight. He admitted he had never felt the deep love feelings for me from the start, which is why he has not put extra effort all these years. He felt obligated to follow through with the wedding commitment. He loves me but not in love with me. Could I have been the unknowing wife who has been cheated on at some point over the years? He will never admit it if I were. Getting him to share about anything is a real job.
I had a long talk with my husband about my ongoing concerns for our future. As he has done many times before he sat and listened. We've had "the talk" several times over the years, but nothing ever really changes. So last night we had the big big talk noting that I'm at a crossroads for my future and that unless he plugs in things are going to change. He asked me what I wanted ... a lover or what. I couldn't say as I've heeded warnings of caveats not to tell him about my emotional relationship with his associate. He was calm as always allowing my words to sink in that we might be ending our marriage. It's a new day today and he's behaving like nothing has transpired. He says he's not relieved, but coping at the moment.
Now I'm poised to end the relationship with my emotional lover too for reasons indicated in the original post. I'm freeing myself completely to be on my own for a while. I'm ready for the phone call, but can I actually go through with it? Can I tell my lover it's over when I hear his voice? I won't tell him about the attempted break with my husband because I don't want him to think I did it for him. I'll let you know.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 July 2009):
It seems to me that you are doing the right thing. I personally think you can choose to do this by phone, and it might be a good idea, if you feel helpless in his presence. Certainly not by text or email!
Why did I use the words "the right thing"? I think you have an energy inside you, a longing for something lacking in your marriage. Now you have a taste of those feelings, I think it's the perfect time to try to recapture those feelings within your marriage. Remember why you got married and that feeling you had of devotion and love to your husband. Take all your disappointment and frustration and longing and desire and focus these emotions like a laser on your marriage and your husband.
Just think, if you can turn things around there, you could experience the giddiness again with your husband! This of course requires him to be on board with you, and here is where the hard work is. You have to be honest with your husband--express to him your longings and desire (doesn't have to be all about sex) and see what he might be feeling inside that regimented shell. Some encounter groups or couples counseling could be helpful to get things moving between you too.
What do you have to lose? To give it a full try with your husband?
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): If you were at The World Trade Center on that dreadful day whom would you call first-your lover or your husband? I think you want to live your life passionately. You want to be a lover, not a boring wife.Be demanding!! Seduce your husband into becoming your lover.I think you are a more vibrant human being as a woman who loves her lover so although COMPLICATED you may not be able to END THE AFFAIR.Bonne chance.
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