A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have been in a relationship for a couple of years. Two weeks ago I had to have spinal surgery and I can’t get around at all (only can walk around house, not even allowed to lift washing or stand to make dinner) she has been great throughout with cooking etc and driving me. A couple of weeks ago just after the op she told me her friend was having a Xmas party at a bar in town. She was going to go for a couple of hours at about 8pm but then said it had been moved to another bar earlier so she went at 5 even though she felt bad for leaving me. I gave her some cash as she was short due to Xmas. I have since discovered that she actually Ubered to this girls house to hang and get ready (which would have cost about $40 in an Uber alone) I was told by mutual friends yesterday and she made up lots of lies about this bar etc that they didn’t go to.Then last week she said her sisters who were visiting from overseas (haven’t met them) had booked them a trip away for a week. Even though I was worried about being left alone for a few nights in my condition I was more than happy for her to go and spend time with her family. I didn’t complain and actually lent her more money so she could have a good time as she is still waiting to be paid.I am not on social media but today one of our mutual friends was around and a pic came up on his instagram. It was of my gf and her mates at a party on this trip. She never ever mentioned these mates were going and has acted like she has just been looking after her drunk sister alone. I haven’t said anything to her yet and I now realise that it is a strong possibility she didn’t even go at all with her sisters. I have asked if she has seen anyone else on her trip and she still hasn’t mentioned these friends. I have talked to my friend about this and her car is not outside her place even though she said she was leaving it there and her sisters were picking it up. My question is what do I do about this? I don’t care that she went on holiday. I just hate being lied to. I am also annoyed that I lent her money to go out that night when she said she was broke but still ubered across town and kept saying how bad she felt leaving me on the couch. She keeps messaging asking me if I am mad or annoyed but I haven’t said anything about it and am acting pretty normal via messaging.Advice on how to approach this when she comes home?
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 January 2020):
 Are they blatant lies or omitting the whole truth here?
And why do YOU think she is doing this?
I think it's a FAIR conversation to have that you aren't some fragile person who can't handle the truth, but my guess is there is a reason she omitted that all the girls were going too? Not just her sisters? OR maybe she did tell you but you weren't paying attention.
I would simply ask her how her trip was and who she went with because you kind of forgot, that gives her a chance to list them all. Or to lie. If she chooses to lie, then BRING up the whole I don't like being lied to.
I think accusing her RIGHT off the bat of lying when she gets home is shooting yourself in the foot.
You THINK you have been "behaving" normally in your texts, but she already sussed YOU out. So obviously you are not as subtle as you think.
Is it a big deal whether these friends went with or not?
I'm trying to figure out what the REAL issue is. Did you expect her to give you a list of ALL participants? Or do you think she ONLY mentioned her sisters to make the vacation seem a little more down played? Less, "fun"?
And if you think that, WHY?
Are there trust issues? Or is it you that are upset that you were left alone while healing from a pretty scary surgery? Do you not have family that can come help you too? I mean it's ALWAYS good to have more than one person to help out after a surgery.
Or is the the fact that she goes out and has fun WITHOUT you? (there is no WRONG answer here, it's OK to feel a little jealous that SHE can go out when you have to sit at home healing up. Been there done that, no fun). BUT she isn't your caretaker, she is your partner.
And while you can't stand for long, but can walk around, you CAN order food for take out (if available around where you live), so food IS taken care of (possibly).
I spend a LOT of time walking around the house right after surgery, and going for small walks in the neighborhood (doctor's orders) but I also spend a lot of time sleeping and simply healing up. My family made sure I had something to drink, eat near me, my phone etc, but they also went shopping, went out for dinner (without me) because EVERYTHING doesn't STOP when a person has had surgery.
Just talk to her when she gets home, see what she is willing to share, so to speak. Ask questions but TRY not to be confrontational. Because THAT only creates hostility and make her WANT to not share things with you. And that, OP would be bad.
Take a little time to think what your OWN motivation is for these accusations and why you feel this way. Maybe she has hidden stuff before, maybe you have been a tad over the top with making a mountain out of a molehill. I don't know. Which is why I suggest you THINK before you make accusations. And that you are HONEST with yourself and her.
1. why does it upset you? 2. what about actually upsets you? Is it REALLY the lies (or omissions) or because you feel abandoned? You SAY you were HAPPY for her to go, but you also resent that you were LEFT alone. AND that is OK, you just should have been honest, and maybe SHE too would have been honest.
HAVE ADULT conversations, not just accusations of PERCEIVED slight.
Sort out your thoughts before you talk to her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2020): OP, you need to make a judgement call in this situation. Do you love her? Does she truly love you? Has she ever cheated on you? Are you controlling, jealous, or posessive? Before your spinal surgery, have you caught her in similar lies? Have you two had a long period of sexual inactivity? Ask yourself, have you cramped your gfs life style a lot? You know, shes not your wife, right? Direct communication is key, to solving this. Be gentle yet firm, and tell her what you have learned. Then let her explain and defend herself. Tell her what you can tolerate. Explain why you are going to stop giving her money, until she earns your trust again. If you two have had a long hiatus in your sex life, ask her directly if she had sex with anyone. If so, either forgive her poor judgement, or let her go. If you have been able to have sex with her, until very recently, then just trust her, and skip the sex question! Stress to her, that trust is everything, therefore, honesty is everything! I hope this works out for your good!
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (4 January 2020):
When she gets home confront her about her lies. Maybe she’ll come clean. Then decide if being lied to is a deal breaker for you. If it is then put an end to the relationship. If it’s not a deal breaker put this stuff behind you and get on with your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2020): She's behaving like a mischievous and rebellious teenager. I guess it has been a while since she's been able to get out on her own. This is how people behave when they feel they've been cooped-up and sheltered too long. Rather than just be honest and say what they're up to, they'll spin lies and tales. Part of the fun is lying about it, sneaking around, and getting into mischief. She's blowing-off some steam! This is the season for celebration. The party-girl in her can't contain herself!
She hasn't been cheating; so at least that's not the issue here. She lies because she wants to party, and she doesn't want to look insensitive and calloused about your surgery. Spinal-surgery is a huge deal!!! Maybe she doesn't realize the scope of what's going on, and can't see it for her selfishness and desire to go buck-wild and party. It's seems that this is the first-time she has been able to party and hangout solo; without you present with your judgemental-eyes on her. She has finally gotten the opportunity, and she ceased on it! I understand how this is disheartening. She can't be so naive or so uninformed about how serious your kind of surgery is. How much pain and suffering you go through during recovery. Don't place all the burden of your homecare on her, she's too young for that. She's not your wife, and not obligated to stand by you to that degree. She's a girlfriend, and not obliged to extend the dedication and devotion of a wife. You have to marry her to get that! If she lacks compassion, consider that a red-flag! By the same token, you're not her father either!
I suggest you have family-members check on you, and have your friends help you out too; other than just spying on your girlfriend...I will address that too!
When people blatantly lie to you and you discover the truth, the best thing to do is calmly and firmly confront them about it. Don't hide the evidence in your arsenal of weapons, to throw in her face months from now, when you want to bash her with it. Like so many people are prone to do. They store-away mountains of incriminating-evidence to be used to crush their mate during a fight. Once they've been caught themselves for being up to no-good! The problem with that is, you are stewing on it, and building rage. In doing so, you become embittered, resentful, and vindictive.
Our friends are protective of us, and sometimes keeping tabs on our mates is for our protection; and sometimes it's sticking their noses in our business. You better know the difference. Ask why they're telling you this, and judge their reasoning for its merit.
If we deliberately assign them to spy on our mates, that's sending out a message we don't trust our partners. It's building allies against your partner, and you're airing your dirty laundry. Others see the cracks and weaknesses in your relationship. That can be used against you, and that's when third-party involvement outweighs the benefits of having your friends looking out for you. Sometimes they just want to instigate trouble to sitback and watch the feathers fly; or to gossip about it with others in your circle. A true-friend will keep it between you and themselves; but will form no judgements against your mate one-way or the other. Their good-intentions may be to protect your relationship; but you have to know for sure what their intentions truly are. If you don't, you're taking a risk. Jealousy is sometimes the motive.
If she has to sneak behind your back to have fun, maybe it's because she feels smothered, or she doesn't feel a sense of independence and individuality. She is suppressing her bad-girl side, to be somebody else for you. Sometimes we guys just got to get away from our relationships long enough to breathe, and reconnect with who we are. Women are terrified when a guy wants to hangout with his buddies, or travel alone. Assuming it's about cheating. You have to pull yourself loose in order to still feel some sense of freedom. If you have to lie about it; then perhaps you do intend to get into some shady behavior. It all depends on your character. Nobody is 100% trustworthy, but trust is built on people who try to be out of love. Trust is earned, and some is given as a gift. It should be valued no matter how you get it.
Convey to her that you have no problem when she wants to hangout with her friends, and if she needs "me-time" at least be honest and tell you the truth. You can't trust her if she tells you one thing, and does another. How are you supposed to trust a liar? Take care with your tone when you use the word "liar." Too much emphasis on the word, and it turns from a discussion to a fight. You won't get anywhere. If she feels confined and smothered by your relationship, if you've been keeping tabs on her every move; then you've got to own some of why she is lying to you. If you are jealous, or possessive and insecure; you are somewhat at fault that she has to lie to you. Not that it's right to lie, but you can force even a good-person to submit to self-preservation; if they feel helpless or overpowered. This is just about partying, so keep everything in proper-perspective. Don't go overboard!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2020): My advice is stop looking for issues and problems- or you will find them..
Dude you just had surgery focus your attention on you, so you can get better and back out of the house.! Dude, your Mutal friend is not a Mutal friend but a gaslighter. What’s their take away? Attention, creating problems, sounds like a good friend too me- (sarcastic)
Woman like space, individualism- just like guys do - if she goes to a party and doesn’t tell you- that doesn’t mean anything. Unless you* make something about it...
Sounds like she took good care of you, that shows love doesn’t it?
Look at the big picture and stop listening to a gas lighter and stop looking for problems.
Show love not control.
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