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How do I approach my husband about his flirting and asking women for photos?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 July 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 1 August 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My husband has a history of massive flirting with the opposite sex.

This was taken to another level once upon a time where I secretly checked his phone and he asked this particular girl for some sexy photos of her a**e. (Bearing in mind she'd already sent him photos of her chest). Now I find him on snapchat and his 'best friends' are all female. But when I ask him to stop using these apps/social media type stuff he says I'm turning into a control freak and that he will end up not having any friends that these people are just friends/people he used to know or people he works with.

We split before because of the messages with this girl but I took him back but why am I paranoid all the time. I fee I cannot ask him can I see his phone as I feel it is not my place but I would have thought that in a marriage, you should not feel awkward asking your spouse for their phone as you should have nothing to hide anyway. Without him losing his cool with me how do I approach this situation without making a massive argument if it should turn out to be nothing?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2016):

hey girl, this situation does not sound good at all. how can you trust a man like that? why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who would like to look at other women in photos? how do you not know that in time he will cheat on you/ have sexual activity with others. This will be hurtful for you. please think about what I have said,

hope you realise that you are much better than this and that someone else in this world will treat you better

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A female reader, Albafeline United Kingdom +, writes (1 August 2016):

I think you are quite right to feel paranoid. If he thinks it is appropriate to be sending flirtatious pictures, where does he draw the line?

You need to sit down and speak to him about how it's making you feel. Set boundaries.

Or just check his phone for evidence that he is a cheat, take screen shots, send to yourself and you then have evidence to confront him with.

You can't continue feeling like this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2016):

Hi

When you've been manipulated and controlled and blamed and made to feel in the wrong all the time, it changes your perspective.

The fact that he has asked this woman to bare herself and let him see has broken your trust because you know what he's capable of. And what has been going on in his mind.

This is why you feel paranoid all the time. He may be doing this again and perhaps other things as well. If not, he may well do at some point. He has successfully made you feel that you are being unreasonable in worrying about this.

Not one person who reads your post is going to blame you for feeling this way.

If he loves you and has remorse for his past behaviour, he would be doing everything in his power to stop you feeling this way instead of blaming it all on you and making sure he can continue with this behaviour if he wants by still being secretive with his phone.

I think you have to ask yourself if you can live with the way things are and not ask to see his phone and try to trust him. If it was me, I would find that impossible.

You don't trust him and suspect what he is up to when he is conversing with his female friends but you are not allowed to see and have to try to get on with life and be happy. The other scenario is telling him how you feel and risking his anger and derision. Also possibly breaking up over it.

Possibly finding something you really don't want to see.

There is not one happy alternative in this situation you find yourself in that I can see.

This man is making you incredibly unhappy. You are twisting yourself this way and that to try and make what he does, fit in with your own thoughts and feelings, which are quite rightly, very different. To put up with this is unthinkable. If you have feelings for him, this must be tearing you apart.

If you leave him and you get your perspective back, you will wonder how on earth you managed to put up with this from him and think that you're in the wrong. It will take a little time to get out from under his spell, but when you do.....you'll remember what it's like to be happy. Good luck x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2016):

Why are you putting up with this? He is deliberately putting the focus on you and blaming you. Classic manipulator. Soon your self worth will be so low you will be incapable of making the right decision for yourself and THAT is what he hopes. You at home doing the chores whilst he flirts and cheats. I would never ever put up with disrespectful arrogant cheating. He doesn't care about your feelings. He never did. How much more proof do you want?

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (31 July 2016):

Ciar agony auntI, too, think you need to re-evaluate your investment in this man and this marriage.

Trust is not about being able to ask for his phone, but about not feeling the need to. Monitoring him does not give you control. It just gives you more work and worry.

He's cheating and this is not some one off. It's a pattern of behaviour that hasn't changed since you began dating. Taking him back has only taught him that any punishment that may result won't last long.

This is not some miscommunication, but a fundamental flaw in character and maturity on your husband's part and a failure to recognize and accept that on your part.

Get your ducks in a row and when you're ready, just get out. No warning and no notice - when you have what you need and your valuables are secured, have your attorney serve him with papers.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (31 July 2016):

chigirl agony auntHe is the one manipulating you. He knows he's doing something wrong, but instead of taking responsibility and STOP cheating (yes, this is cheating) he shifts blame on you. Telling you you are controlling, or that you deny him friends etc. It's all bullshit. These women are not his friends if he asks for sexy pictures of them. Does he ask for sexy pictures from his male friends? No? Platonic friendships don't have "sexy pictures" added in the mix.

He is cheating, because he is involved with other women sexually, without telling you and without your concent.

How to approach him about it? You first need to decide if this is a marriage you want to be in, as cheating is a deal breaker for most, and a universal cause of divorce.

You can also start to actually control him, but don't be fooled into thinking you can prevent him from cheating on you as long as you get to see the messages/pictures he gets. He will still keep on sending and receiving and doing what not with other women behind your back, regardless of whether you get a hold of his phone or not.

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