A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Could I ever trust my partner again !My partner convinced me that she wasn’t seeing anyone behind my back when she ended things but I believed otherwise. My gut instinct was screaming at me and I was just sensing things weren’t right. She said that she no longer was in love with me (but still loved me) and that she had to make the decision now or never. That night I cried, something I haven’t done for probably twenty years. I cried for myself, my children, my relationship and for the future. I had asked her pretty much straight away if there was anyone else, standard stuff to which she denied strongly, so strongly I felt guilty asking it. I had noticed that she was going out a lot more over the recent months but gave her this freedom. She liked this in me that I wasn’t controlling and I would stay in and look after the children. Now over this period I noticed on her facebook page/wall that one of her work colleagues was constantly posting messages on his status updates. Now these weren’t directed at my partner but rather to someone. They would say things like ‘Can’t wait to see you at the weekend’ and ‘I miss you’, ‘Our seed of love is growing’ etc.This work colleague was regularly invited over to our house by my partner whilst I was at work. I knew this as she always told me. This guy was young, trendy, exciting, and very handsome. I was jealous. He would come down once, maybe twice a week and one day I came home from work early to find this guy just leaving our house meaning he had spent the entire day pretty much there. She convinced me that they just talked and were good friends. I had my doubts but trusted my partner as she did me. Trust was a big thing for both of us. We seemed to become more brother and sister rather than partners and the sex life virtually ended. Now I don’t want to paint a bad picture of her here as she is a great mom to our two children and I admit I haven’t been attentive or considerate as I should but when she ended it I questioned her at length over these guys comments. She made me feel really bad about this so much that I began doubting myself. After announcing it to the world of the split a new message popped up from the guy in question saying ‘Your new life starts here.’After some reflective thinking she came back to me and said she had made a mistake and that I was the love of her life etc etc etc. I took her back but only after laying down ground rules about honesty and talking and again asking her if anything had happened with this other guy. We made up and the next week she accidently left her emails open and this is where I am ashamed to admit I checked her emails – something I had never done before. I found a mail to THIS guys I had been certain that something was going on with. The mail stated that she had to end it, and that she thanked him for all the good times and that he would find the right woman one day. I kept this to myself (and a copy) until deciding what to do. I again sat her down and questioned her and she got angry again saying I was being paranoid. So I asked her to open her emails. Upon doing so she had already deleted it and I asked her if she had any contact with this man. She said no and I pulled out of my pocket a print out of the email. In my mind all these lies were building up and up. Her face dropped and she denied everything then left me again. I received messages saying she was sorry and that she had made a mistake and that she had emotionally cheated but not physically. This is where my problem is. I don’t believe her. She swears that nothing physical happened just that she and this good-looking guy used to hook up and go out, that they were attracted to each other but refrained from it because of me. He had bought her gifts that I couldn’t and took her places I never did. This lasted for about three months. In all that time they never had sex or even shared a kiss despite what the email said about having to end it etc. She has agreed to have no contact with him now and at this moment I believe that. Problem is, I cannot believe that nothing physical ever did happen. They had even considered moving into a house together and he would pay. Would you do this with someone you had never even shared a kiss with?I need closure because this is always at the forefront of my mind. Every day and night. My children are the most important thing in my life and I never wanted to separate our family but I look at my partner now in a different light. If she would admit it then I could deal with it (how I would deal with it I don’t know) but I am convinced I will never know. I do have the other guys email address and have been tempted to email him. He came into my home and nearly destroyed my family and I want to know what went on under our roof.How can I trust her if I don’t believe her? Do you think she physically cheated on me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): Wow, ok...I'm even mad for you reading what you went through, but the fact is you will never know what happened unless she tells you and it doesn't seem like she will "volunteer" the information, in fact she's flat out lied to you and if you didn't have the evidence if the emails would have stuck to her words.She's not being honest with you, thus she's not serious about truly repairing what's been broken, only saving her own skin..which is a shame, and selfish behavior, but if she's bringing a man into your house then she's not thinking about anyone but herself.And for what its worth, yes she probably had sex with him because you dont make a decision as big as leaving your marriage if there weren't something going on. Sorry man.You have to sit her down and lay down the law, full disclosure or its divorce, otherwise the mind games and the self doubt will continue and that's not healthy for the relationship or for the children to see. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): From your lengthy story: YES she did cheat on you and yes it was sexual. I am being very honest, something that your wife is not.If you are truly honest, no matter how much u are hurting, u know she cheated as well.She went as far as wanting to move in with her lover. This speaks volumes.Plse remember: she lied over and over again. She brought her lover into your home and she defiled it.Yes u love your kids BUT why stay with a cheater. You have done nothing wrong. You are suffering so much, is this fair on your kids, to see you so unhappy. They love u too and want u to be happy. You can be happy by closing this painful chapter and never looking back. Your wife is not worth the pain and the torture.She will manipulate u, call u paranoid and she will make u think u are going mad. Basically she will slowly twist the situation and shift blame.I know you are sad and u want to salvage this relationship. But it is based on lies and half truths so how can u save it?You will do what u need to do in the end, it is your life BUT this affair and what she has done is consuming u and eating at u, and she is cruel for lieing to you. It means that she has no respect or concern for you.What happens when she embarks on another affair? I find it sooooo disrespectful that she continuously met her lover at your home. This speaks volumes of the kind of person she is.Good luck OP in whatever u decide. Just remember it is not a crime to finally end it with a cheating partner. Your kids will be ok, and you too one day.Oh and before I forget: u may not know this but there are still good decent women around, faithful ones. And one day I hope u allow yourself to meet one.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (1 April 2011):
 To be honest I don't know she probably did or she maybe didn't, only her and him know for sure. If she is going to give it 110% to the relationship and you are willing to give it a go why not try to save your marriage. Why have disturbing images in your head. She did cheat even if it was an emotional affair she still cheated, but if you can forgive than forgive her and fight for your marriage. You should know I mean do you feel that her remorse is true. I understand that sometimes its the lies that kill the relationship more than the affair but what if she's telling you the truth. She probably went head over heals with this guy but realize in time that it was you who she loved and it was you who she wanted.
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