A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. A year into our relationship we had some bad problems, mainly that my boyfriend hated the fact that I was friends with my ex and he became convinced I was going to cheat on him with him. (I never did not did I have even the littlest desire to!) One night, we got in a huge fight over it, broke up for a day then I finally had a huge realization that I needed to stop being friends with my ex because my boyfriend was much more important to me. We got back together and things were much better since I stopped being friends with my ex. 6 months after that I find out he had SEX with a woman he met at a bar the night we broke up. Technically - not cheating since we were "broken up"....I was DEVASTATED...he never told me, I had to find out from someone else...he cried and told me he was drunk, was so mad at me that night, wanted to get back at me and thought we were over but I surprised him by agreeing not to talk to my ex anymore. So he didn't want to tell me bc he was afraid I wouldn't want to be with him. I believe this explanation, didn't make it right but I could kind of understand. i was so angry and hurt but chose to forgive him. It was very hard, months of working on trust etc. Well here it is, 2 years later and although I truly trust him - I can NOT forget it. It hurts SO BAD.It's embarrassing to admit this but I can't help my feelings.. When I hear of someone with just the same NAME as the girl he cheated with...I want to throw up and instantly dislike her. Sometimes the thought of them having sex randomly pops into my head and it feels like someone is killing me from the inside out. I see this man I'm so crazy in love with having sex with HER and its unexplainable how it KILLS me. How do I stop this feeling?! It's been 2 years and he hasn't cheated again and I know this girl meant nothing to him. But I still randomly think about it and the way it makes me feel is not healthy. How can I stop torturing myself with these thoughts? Thank you so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): Look at it this way, can you honestly forgive him and forget or if you cant then leave the relationship as its also not fair to him.
What you need to ask yourself is can you live without him. If the answer is no, then you either suck it (the "unfiathful" night) or risk eventually losing him as any man would eventually get tired of a woman that has a gun to his head. Also you risk driving him into another woman's arm. Let it go and let yourself be happy.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 February 2013):
 lets get this straightened out right away. he didn't cheat on you. you were broken up. i know that doesn't make it hurt less, but if you hadn't broken up, he would never have slept with someone else.
everyone handles heart break differently. he didn't sleep with someone else because he was over you and just out having fun. he was drowning his sorrows over being crushed by losing you. i know this because i've had a tendency to do the same thing. it's not necessarily healthy, but it's what some people do. it's a distraction. he was devistated, and that's why he did what he did.
anyway, if you love him, you just have to let this go. this girl meant nothing and it was a mistake. i'm sure he'd take it back immediately if he could. anyway, good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2013): Move on. Thats the best and easiest way to get away from these feelings. I didn't do that and five years later I'm still plagued with thoughts/sadness/etc. Now we're married. It doesn't go away or get better. I had counseling too. perhaps you should try that too.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 January 2013):
 "Technically - not cheating since we were "broken up""No, not "technically not cheating". It wasn't cheating. You were broken up. He was devastated. First thing he did was go to a bar and hook up because he was heartbroken and down, thinking there was no return and all was lost. So yeah, not the best thing to do if you think you might reconcile with your ex, but then again who goes around thinking and planning a break-up and what they should or shouldn't do? People tend to be on an emotional high/low and they act out. In either case, you were broken up. Finale. Done. And here's the mistake people do all he time: when they get "back" with the boyfriend or girlfriend.. they don't count the break-up. You say you've been together 4 years. Wrong. You've been together 3 years. You were together one year, then you BROKE UP. Deciding to get back together doesn't mean you "forget" about the break-up, or that it never happened. You were broken up. And then, as it is when you get back together with an ex after a break-up, there's always that chance they were involved with someone else in the meantime. Sure, one day was quick to get around to someone else, so you might not have expected it, but you'd be gullible to think you somehow "own" a person you've broken up with. He could have been with several women. Once you decided to get back with him, you should have reflected over this. You didn't reflect over it, you didn't ask, you didn't want to know. Then you found out anyway... But really, it is something that should have crossed your mind before you got back with him. If you can't handle him having been with someone else, then you shouldn't have gotten back with him. You need to break it off if you can't handle it. Or, what I think is the by far better option, is to start counting in the break-up. Stop saying you've been together 4 years. Say the truth, it's been 3 years, because you ended it after the first year. Of course none of this matter to strangers, but it matters to what you tell yourself! Compare these two sentences and see which one you feel better about:1. "I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. 3 years ago he had sex with another girl. Technically it wasn't cheating."2. "I've been with my boyfriend 3 years. We dated for a year before that, but had some problems. Then we started fresh, and have since been happy. He's been faithful to me all the time."Number two is the truth. Number one is what you focus on however. His actions count as semi-cheating as you don't recognise the break-up, because you count the first year and the last three as one and the same relationsip. Recognise the break-up, aknowledge that you were not in a relationship, and realize that once you "get back together" you never pick up where you left. You always start fresh, on a new page, and enter a NEW relationship. Even if it is the same person. Without aknowleding the break-up you will only bring whatever problems you had with you into the new relationship. And worse, in this case you bring his actions as a single man with you into the relationship. In any other relaionship you wouldn't do this, because you'd recognise that he was single at the time. He didn't cheat. You need to realize this. You can't get over this because you can't get over being cheated on. Few people can get over such a betrayal. But he didn't betray you, he didn't cheat. You are doing him wrong by telling yourself he cheated when he didn't. It would be the same as him calling you a cheater for all the people you ever kissed or had sex with before you entered a relationship with him. So it sucks. Yes, it SUCKS. But that's life, and that's break-ups for you. Nothing is perfect, but just because you had a rough path back then, and just because you broke up one time, doesn't mean you can't have a good relationship in the future. You got to let go of the need for perfection. You dream that you never broke up, you want to forget that it ever happened, you don't want to count the break-up. But the only way to get over this is to acknowledge the truth. You've been together 3 years, not 4.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989  +, writes (31 January 2013):
 You weren't together at the time. Would he have done it if you where? No, he was drunk and angry and not thinking straight. Just try and see it as a physical act, there was no feelings involved, it was just his stupid way of trying to get over what had happened. He probably wishes it didn't happen. Focus on the future, the good things you have. If its really so bad maybe you should tell him how u feel, maybe talking to him about it again may help you put it behind you.
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