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How can I stop obsessing about what I did 18 months ago?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 May 2015) 2 Answers - (Newest, 1 June 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone, I would like some advice. I have a bit of a rumination problem, and have been a big over thinker since being a child. I am torn apart at the minute over guilt I am carrying from an incident that happened a year and a half ago.

My partner and I are engaged, and I am with him since I were a teenybopper. I love him so much, but life struggles resulted in us going through a really tough patch, although I still loved him. One night after a row, I went to a gathering at a friends house and began drinking heavily. There was this guy there, and he was not attractive at all, but he started chatting to me, just as a mate, and I felt there was no harm in it. But the more drunk we got, he started paying me compliments, and this was flattering. I ended up ranting about how my relationship had gone wrong, and I just wished things could go back to the way they were etc etc. he started saying about how he would treat a girl right but can't ever get any who like him. Just to be polite I said you'll meet someone, your a nice guy, and he then asked, if I wasn't with my boyfriend would I go out with him. I have never been good under pressure, especially not when drunk, so what do I idiotically say? Yes.

Big mistake.

He then kept flirting heavily, and although I didn't find him attractive I have to admit I was rather enjoying the attention. He then said, would you not even kiss me? I said no, I am against cheating. He kept saying your boyfriend won't find out, go on, and I said no, it doesn't matter, I would feel terrible whether he found out or not.

He kept saying then just break up with him in the morning, that way you can kiss me and you won't feel bad about it cuz you'll be ending it anyway, and I said no, I cannot do that, and even if I did, it would still be cheating. He said end it now then.

When I said I can't do that, he said you said you admitted you don't want to be with him, so what's the problem with ending him. I can't say I felt tempted but , strangelyI was feeling pressured.. I was feeling pressure to do what he wanted. i am weak like that, need to grow a spine and always try to explain myself instead of just saying no, end of. ive always been like that.

If I was sober and could judge him properly, I wouldn't have cared at all about his feelings and would have told him to sling his hook. I'd been venting to him about my boyfriend as a mate, and he seemed understanding, but now he was using it to get what he wanted. I said I'm sorry if I gave you that impression, but I do want him. I've been with him a very long time and I love him.

He got a bit sulky then and,, because I was such a people pleaser, I said look, there's nothing wrong with you, I just don't want to cheat on my boyfriend.

WHY couldn't I just say I wasn't interested? Later on, I was drunkest I have ever been in my life. He kept coming right up to me trying to kiss me, saying come on you know you want to.

The thing was I really DIDN'T want to, but instead of saying that and GO AWAY, i hadn't the balls, I just said feebly, sorry I can't.

He eventually gave up.

I told my fiancé everything, except the really hurtful details like him telling me to end it with him etc, cuz he'd have been so hurt. I felt so guilty for being putting myself the, getting THAT drunk and for not telling him to push off.

I know my behaviour is strange, but I am being completely honest, I am anonymous here and no one knows me. I don't tell my friends this next bit cuz they think its crazy, but I have been ruminating and ruminating, replaying the situation and paranoia and imagination have started adding bits.

What if, because I was so drunk, he kissed me and i dont remember?cuz some parts are a bit hazy. I know for a fact it wouldn't have been a proper kiss, as I know I would NOT have allowed that to happen, but what if he tried kissing me and I was so drunk I just sat, even though my mouth would have been firmly closed.

I know this is mad, I remember everything clearly enough so I'm sure if something like this happened it would be stuck in my head forever as I couldn't possibly forget it, but it is as if my mind is trying to convince me otherwise. This part of me is not sure. I am tempted to ask him if he kissed me, but this would mean contacting him and

I don't ever want to do that.

I know myself that if it happemed, i would remember, because i remember everything else. i just wish i was firmer with him, i just though he was sweet as a friend at first and didnt want to hurt his feelings. i ask myself everyday why that guys feelings were more imporatnt thatn my fiances, but i d have known this if i were sober.

But i know i cant really blame alcohol, or this guy. I am the one who put myself in the situation, no one else, and im the one didnt go away from him when he first started flirting, like i should have.

I am still so disgusted with myself for not getting up and steering well clear of him as he said those things, and not putting him right that I wasn't interested.

I am angry that I was allowing myself to be feel pressure to hurt the person I love more than anything in the world, when I wasn't even attracted to the guy and he meant nothing to me. Putting myself in that situation was so hurtful to my boyfriend I will always feel like a cheat. I have only recently started up this guilt again, probably because my boyfriend and I are perfect again and I feel pangs of guilt how I almost threw this away all for a few compliments, but I try to remind myself that at this time, we were not in the good place we are now. Right away after this incident it made me realise how much my fiancé means to me and that losing him would be the worst thing could ever happen me. It forced me to take steps to get my relationship back the way it was before it went stagnant. I have become a lot bolder, and don't try to justify myself anymore when I don't want to do something, I just say no. I keep trying to talk to my fiancé saying I am worried in case he did kiss me, but he just says he wants to forget the whole thing,he forgives me, especially if the worst case scenario is that all that happened was a peck on the lips that i didnt want while I was paralytic. I just wish I could move forward and let go of this guilt.

Do you guys know of anyways to stop ruminating, stop obsessing, stop being paranoid and let go of guilt and mistakes? Any tips would be appreciated.

View related questions: drunk, engaged, fiance, flirt, kissing

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015):

I am very proud for you, and I don't even know you. You had a rut with your FB. Then, in the midst of the rut, you had a fight. To go blow off steam, you went to a social, had a few more than maybe you aught, started opening up about your relationship troubles to another guy who seemed sympathetic. Enjoyed his flattery and attention, and then, drunk, flattered, hurt, and vulnerable - you remained faithful!

Good on you! Hold your head high, and realize that you alone out of so many in exactly that position were able to walk the straight and narrow! Be proud that you held to your convictions.

Your man is incredibly lucky to have your devotion. I sure hope he's worth it, because not all of us are so lucky...

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom + , writes (31 May 2015):

I think you may need some professional help to get through this.

Obsessive thoughts can be a form of obsessive compulsive disorder and CBT (cognative behavioural therapy) is most commonly used to treat OCD.

There are some CBT self-help guides available out there (try the MIND website) but CBT is also available on the NHS in most areas of the UK (although you will probably be limited to 6 - 12 sessions if you use the NHS

In some areas you can refer yourself to this service but, if you're not sure where to start, make an appointment with your G.P who should be able to refer you (or point you in the right direction)

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