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How can I stop being so paranoid, we have plans to marry and things are great, but I still have bad thoughts!!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Love stories, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2007) 3 Answers - (Newest, 6 February 2007)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi, I.m 25 and i have been with my partner for 4yrs, and we are planning to get married. but i get paranoid or it could be lack of confidence, or both but, i get it when we go out with other girls mates, and at home with him where i think hes going to leave for someone els, i know he loves and i know he would not do anything like that, but i still get these thoughts, and i dont know what to do as i dont want to lose him. i have had bad relationship befor about 3 of them where they did cheat on me and where nasty to me . the panter i'm with makes me happy and i make him happy, but he just cant stand me being paranoid how can i stop being paranoid ?

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A female reader, kristinsmith Canada +, writes (6 February 2007):

Well I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one that has these thoughts and feelings. They are becoming a problem in my relationship too, and I too don't know how to make them go away. I felt very alone as much as he would reassure me I will still have these bad thoughts. I going to try and see if some of the advice above works. I hope it makes you feel a bit better to know your not alone. IF yu find something that does work please let me know.

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A female reader, Jovial South Africa +, writes (6 February 2007):

Jovial agony aunthi

being paranoid is natural given your history with men. but still it doesnt justify your actions because people are not the same, this man is getting irritated by your paranoia because it tells him you dont trust him, no one wants to stay in a relationship where every move they make is questionable. you got yourself a loving bloke but you will loose him if u keep looking over your shoulder. he is with you because he loves you and to top that up he wants to marry you. learn to trust him and your fears will disappear little by little.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

Keep a notebook. Draw five columns in it. Label the first "What happened". In that write what was happening at the moment you felt bad, like your partner was speaking to another girl etc etc.

In the second column "Feelings" put how it made you feel - happy, sad etc.

Then write "Bad thoughts" in column 3 - this is for things like he will leave me, I am not pretty enough etc.

"Good thoughts" go in column 4 and "Behaviour" in the last column which is where you may have a glass of wine, go for a walk etc.

You may notice that the bad thoughts are much easier to think of than the good, but you HAVE to make the good thoughts column longer. It seems so simple but it will retrain your brain out of negative though patterns. Believe me it works, I overcame major depression that way.

It is also interesting to see how getting upset starts and watch your own behaviour systems unfolding.

Having been betrayed before you need to break the negativity and fear that cause you to anticipate the same thing happening. Your fiance is not the same as those nasty boys/men that cheated on you and comparing them is not reasonable even though understandable. Good luck! Love to know if you use this method and whether it works for you.

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