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How can I stop being insecure about my boyfriend’s past relationship?

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 August 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 11 August 2018)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello all, I’m gonna try to make this as short as possible!

I’m struggling to get over my boyfriend’s relationship with his ex-girlfriend.

I met my bf a little over a year ago when I tried to sell him a car, I was 20 and he was 19 at the time. He didn’t buy it (Thank God lol) but when he made the decision to buy somewhere else, he was polite enough to text me at 4am to say he was sorry, which he didn’t need to do, and he also let me know he thought I was too pretty to sell cars. The next day he added me on SnapChat and I accepted it only because he was nice and we had an obvious connection during his time at the dealership that was beyond the car.

Anyway, over the next 6 months, he would message me every now and then and check to see how I was doing or tell my how beautiful I was whenever I posted a pic. One day, I decided to message him and see how he was doing and he ended up asking me in a date and the rest is history.. Been together for almost 7 months now and he makes me really happy :)

But here’s the issue, I don’t date anyone who just got out of a long term relationship simply because there is a good chance they are on the rebound and will go back to their ex.. it’s happened to me a lot unfortunately.. So when we first started dating, he told me he and his ex had broken up 7 months ago and that they weren’t together long, but after he and I were bf/gf, I found out through social media that they had broken up a month before we started dating and that they were together for almost 3 years!

His excuse for lying was because he was afraid I wouldn’t of dated him had I known he just got out of a relationship, and he’s absolutely right that I would not of.. I chose to forgive him, but I’m not sure I did right away because it ate at me for a while.. I started going back to old tweets and post from the two of them and I noticed he was really into her.. Liking all her pictures, and statues and leaving cute comments under everything she put up.. They would @ each other saying that they missed each other... They have all the same friends and they went to the same high school and college.

He doesn’t do a lot of the stuff with me.. he likes majority of my pictures but he never comments under them, he never likes my post, he doesn’t @ me.. We have no friends in common because we grew up in separate worlds and met at random. I find myself comparing how he is with me and how it seems he was with her. I know he loves me for sure but I’m always asking myself if he ever misses her? If I make him as happy as she did? Does he love me more than he ever loved her?

I was afraid to vent my insecurities about this lie for a long time and basically suffered and tortured myself in silence until one day I broke down in tears and told him how his lie affected me mentally because I was worried I was a rebound and he was truly sorry for making me feel that way and said I had nothing to worry about with his ex and that he broke up with her for a reason and he got over “whatever it was” he had with her fast and he was happy he found someone better. I believed every word and I finally felt like I could let it go but recently I’ve been feeling insecure about it again..

A few days ago we were on the phone and he mentioned to me that whenever he goes to his friends house he passes by his ex’s house and it makes him “so sad” every time. I asked him why and he said he didn’t know. I asked him if it was because he missed her and he said “I don’t know, I don’t think that’s it”. And I told him that if he doesn’t know why it makes him sad, then it’s probably because he does miss her and he completely skipped over that and started talking about something else.. When I saw him later that night I started crying and told him how what he said bothered me because I don’t feel sad ever when I pass by my ex’s house, I don’t feel anything at all. He claims that it makes him sad because It brought back bad memories or hard times and that he meant to say he didn’t miss her..

But since then, my insecurities have returned, if they ever even really left... I’m again comparing our relationship and wondering if he misses being with her, if he’s checking her social media, if he’s ever gonna comment cute things under my pics.. Everything. What do I do?

View related questions: broke up, ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, my ex, text

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2018):

I would be more sympathetic to your post if it made more sense. You're dating a 19 year-old guy, who was only 16 when he met his ex. How powerful is a teenage-relationship at that age? Teens get over breakups much faster than people in their 20's and older. They're not as serious.

I don't think your insecurity is about how he feels about his ex; it's more about the fact you're still carrying old baggage about your exes. How other guys treated you; so he doesn't get the benefit of the doubt, based on YOUR past. Not his!

Here's where you're being immature. Comparing his feelings about her, to how he treats you. He was a kid, and his relationship with you is more mature; because you're both older. Not to mention, it's an altogether different relationship. His ex and what they had is none of your business! If you're going to be a little-girl about it, it's best you end it right now. You've already sabotaged it with your tears and childishness.

You're trying to be a mind-reader and figure-out what he feels about somebody he has already broken-up with. You have trust-issues, and you're a bit of a drama queen. Concerned more about his past relationship; than your present relationship. Picking and prying, trying to find something to complain about.

He's going to get-over you quickly; because he is going to get sick of your insecurity and constantly having to apologize or explain himself.

You're the one with leftover issues from the past! Maybe you should breakup and work on them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2018):

I've had a bad experience dating a guy who had just gotten out of a relationship too. The guy always say that he is over her and she is just a friend, there is nothing to worry about blah blah blah. But the truth is, we are humans and we have feelings. You cannot date someone for 3 years, break up, and a month later feel nothing towards them. Feelings need time to process. He's not over her yet. Now, mind you, that is not to say that he WANTS to get back together with her. This only means that he has not had the time to process and let go of his past relationship with his ex.

The best advice I can give you is not to mention his ex to him at all. Whatever feelings of insecurity or jealousy you have of him and his ex, keep it to yourself. The more you mention his ex or his relationship with her, the more you will bring memories back into his mind. This guy is trying to move on, by bringing up his past and reminding him, you are prolonging his process of getting over her. Don't do that!! If you want him to @ you, then maybe start @ him your posts, start commenting on his posts so he can pick it up. Or an example of what my friend said to her BF "Honey why didn't you tag me in that photo? Were you eating by yourself?" Her BF understood, apologized and tagged her. Just gently nudge him and remind him he forgot to tag you.. he should be able to pick it up. Start bringing him along when you hang out with your friends and he will get the gest to bring you along to hang out with his friends. There's nothing you can do now, you're already in this relationship with a guy who just broke up with his ex... your only option (aside from breaking up) is to be patient with him and allow him the time to recover from his break up. Next time he goes over to that friend's house, ask (gently) if he can bring you, and make sure you reach over to hold his hand as he drives by his ex's house.. you can't change those sad memories, but you can show him that the both of you can, together, replace those sad memories with happy ones! Show him you are there to support him, you trust him, and he can lean on you at all times.

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A female reader, fishdish United States +, writes (10 August 2018):

fishdish agony auntAre you always like this in relationships? Look, everyone has a past. If you keep comparing yourself to her, you're going to end up like her, ie. DUMPED! Even though they were an item for 3 years it doesn't sound like it was serious, he said "whatever it was" and he didn't think that he was sad passing by her house because he missed her but more about BAD TIMES. You need to stop stalking her on social media. You need to stop holding a past against him. If you want him to do all those superficial things like @ you, tell you you like that. Don't say you want it because ex-gf wanted it. Just be careful what you wish for. All the social media stuff is fake, and people creating an image of themselves they want people to see. Who knows how much of that was genuine or how much SHE forced on him, which leads me back to the beginning--don't make yourself into her! What you need to do is wipe the slate clean. Understand what this man is like WITH YOU. Ask what he expects in a relationship what he likes in a relationship if there's goals or things he'd like to do in the future with you etc. And see if you like how he treats YOU. And don't use him against himself. That is not only unfair, but shows YOU'RE not ready for a relationship.

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