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Do I deserve to be treated this way because I cheated?

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 August 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 13 August 2018)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 16 years. Out of the past 10 years I have supported him fully. I am the only one that works, pays the bills, mortgage, cooks, and does all of the housework. We also have a child together that is only a couple years old. He does stay home with him while I am at work. Once I get home he does his own thing and lets me be the parent. He keeps telling me that I need a better paying job. The thing is all of our bills are paid, we have food on the table, my son is more than taken care of; I even have money saved up for in case of emergencies not a lot but a couple thousand dollars. He keeps telling me he's going to leave us and find another girl that will take care of him like I do and how easy it is. I am burnt out trying to make this work with him. I have cheated on him once in the past and he can't get over it. This is his way of getting back at me. He treats me like crap and I just take it because I do feel guilty about what I have done years ago. I don't want my child growing up and thinking that what his father does is okay and that's the way you treat a lady. Do I deserve to be treated this way because I cheated? He has became more and more distant and finding anything he possibly can to tear me apart. He is very abusive with me both emotionally and physically and let's me know that it is my fault because I have made him this way. I like my career and the people I work with I just don't make enough money according to him and sometimes I have to work long hours about 11 to 12 instead of 8. What should I do? Thank you for all of your advice in advance.

View related questions: at work, I work with, money

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2018):

Thank you all so much for all of your kind words of wisdom. I really needed all of you guys to reassure myself that I am not crazy! I needed your input more than you can ever know. THANK YOU!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2018):

I don't think you need any advice. I think he's doing everything necessary to get the boot! What do you need him for? He abuses you, shows you disrespect, and he's a lazy bum?

Why are you asking other people what you should do? Read your post, and you tell us!

Throwing him out will force him to find work; especially if he has to pay court-ordered child-support. Start the ball rolling on that!

You don't need any advice. He's picking at your last nerve; and he's just about done. Just stick a fork in him! That was a figure of speech; don't literally stab your boyfriend with a fork!

Wear your heaviest boots, or some steel-toed work boots; when you kick him to the curb!

He says he can find another woman to take care of him? Will she also pay his child-support? Test his theory! If she does, good for you and your kid! He'll be another woman's problem.

I guess you're not feeling as guilty as you used to, huh?!!

You have a kid and yourself to support; you don't have time for a baby-man!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 August 2018):

N91 agony auntCome on? Be serious here.

If your child came to you and said ‘Mum, my partner is hitting me, what should I do?’ What would you say?

The answer here is so simple.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (10 August 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, you KNOW the answer. You KNOW you deserve so much better. You KNOW your son deserves a happy mother instead of a down-trodden abused one. Why are you so scared to dump this pathetic whining loser? What are you getting from this relationship? WHY have you put up with it for all these years? And WHY did you add a child into this mix?

As you already pay all the bills, you will be no worse off (in fact, probably BETTER off) if you leave.

And NO, it is NOT OK for your son to grow up thinking this is the right way for men to treat women. He is still young enough not to be influenced by it but children take in information like little sponges and it won't be long before he starts to notice, remember and imitate. Don't do that to him.

If this is YOUR home, kick out this loser and let him find someone else to sponge off. Let some other woman look after this overgrown spoilt baby. If it is HIS home, find somewhere else for you and our son and move on to a new better life.

You KNOW you AND your son deserve better. You are obviously a strong lady. You can do this.

Good luck.

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A female reader, fishdish United States +, writes (10 August 2018):

fishdish agony auntNo one ever deserves being physically abused. And financially used. Is cheating great? Nope..but he decided to stay with you which PRESUMES that he wanted to WORK on things. Instead he's put zero effort in, is a slack@$$ and mooch and is crappy to you.

Forgive yourself for your infidelity. Regain respect for yourself and show self-pride to your child by maintaining what you are--independent. You don't need this emotional

and financial parasite!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHonestly?

No you do not DESERVE this because you cheated in the past. He could have CHOSEN to not stay with you. And YOU can CHOOSE to not stay with him.

Why aren't you just a single mom? Finding a day-care close to work might cost a little bit more but the money you SAVE not having to pay for your partner's demands.

Yes, I get that he takes care of the child but if you were BOTH working and kiddo in a daycare, there would be plenty of money for extra things.

I don't see many other options than telling him: "sure leave US (you and the kiddo) and go find someone else to mommy you."

He doesn't even cook or clean or shop? Or pay bills? All he does it "watch" your son? You EARN the family money, do all the chores at home and you WONDER if you somehow deserve this?

Also you DIDN'T "MAKE" him abusive.

CHOSE to put yourself AND your son first and kick this loser to the curb.

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”

? Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

I have to say, I think you know what to do. But are you willing to do so?

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