A
female
age
41-50,
*ovegirl09
writes:Dear Everyone,Please give me an advice on what to do.Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2. Everything seemed to be fine up until few days ago, I did something really stupid, here's how the story goes:He has 2 daughters (14 lives with him and 18 lives with the mother), they are out off control.Few days ago the 14 y/o got spelled out off school for 1 week because her attitude to teachers. Then a day after that they both got caught in the mall stealling.So my boyfriend had to bail them out and keep an eye on his 14 year old. He had plans to see me (he lives an hour away, we spend time only on the weekend) and he had to cancel it because he needs to take care of her.I was fine, the fact that he needs to deal with his out off control daughters. But this is the 3rd times that he had to cancel plans with me because of his daughter always up into something. His daughter is nice to me and we are okay, I just think that she needs more attention from her parents and need someone to control her.So I was a bit upset that I couldn't spend my weekend with him (the week before he went to WA to visit his sick uncle) but I didn't tell him anything I was very supportive and nice and told him that his daughter needs him more bla..bla..bla..The fact is I needed someone to vent, so I texted my friend saying " His daughters got caught stealling at the mall, stupid American teenagers" Instead of texting my friend I accidently text him so he did read what I text and sent it back to me. Well, I know it was my mistake by sending the wrong text to the wrong people. So I texted him back and apologize explaining it to him that I didn't mean to say that and it was wrong for me to vent to my friend behind his back. I told him that care about him etc.He was upset and he did get hurt. He didn't text me or call me for almost 2 days, I had to initiate the communication.Finally he texted me and said that he cares about me too, he did forgive me and he misses me too. He also said that he wasn't ignoring me he just didn't know what to say.We talked on the phone, I made sure that he understand that I really sorry and I know that his family is his priority, bla..bla...At the end of our converstation I told him that he also upsets me that he didn't communicate with me and left me in the dark for 2 days.He said that he needed to talk to his sponsor (he is alcoholic) and that he didn't want to say or do anything wrong to me. H ealso told me that his priorities are: 1. His sobriety (stay sober) 2. daughters and I didn't even hear the 3 and 4 because I did cut him off and said that I understand everything. I told him that I don't know where are we going and let just have good tije, spend our time together and see where we are going. Now I am not sure how he feels about me, I am afraid that he feel betrayed, I am afraid that he will not be open to me anymore specially to to talk about his daughters. I want things togo back to normal before I made this text message mistake.How can I make sure that he knows I really care, I need him to feel comfortable again with me telling me everything. He has insecurity problem too and I know it is going to be hard for him to trust me gain with his problem. We dolike each other and we have feelings for each other. I will work things out with him but I need him to know that.Thank you and I am sorry for this long story.
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (23 May 2007):
 Dear lovergirl
Im really sorry next time make sure you send your text to the right recipients.
I think he does have rights to doubt your compassion towards him and daughters your text was cold, but to your friend it was gonna have a different meaning because she understands what you are going through and she knows how much this guy mean to you. Unfortunately is one of those things we don’t have control over.
What I can tell you is that there are no more apologies u can give more than you already have. We all make stupid comments that really hurt unintentionally so was yours. But do you really have to wish things to go back? Look at this way the stupid text made him realise the pain you are also going through so something positive came out of it. But hey don’t take advantage nextime might not be this fortunate.
Yes he is hurt and it is his 2nd priority to rectify his daughters behaviour and this is something you need to know it will always be there to separate you or get you closer it will only depend on your approach towards this not so good situation. Who is staying with this kids anyway? In some cases we cant say its lack of parenting the reason these girls are out of control, sometimes its just bad luck to the parents unfortunately people lokkk at you as a parent. Which is not good because you as a parents are not proud of what your kids are doing, you blame yourself and when someone like you also feel the way you do I don’t think it does make him feel any better about his parenting skills.
The truth is both of you (u&kids) have different meanings to his life and frankly I think he is handling the situation the only way he can if he is still sober given his status. Don’t ruin a good thing just because his daughter’s misbehavior makes you insecure as you get less attention. What u are feeling is natural and it wnt go away as long as the kids are still his. Unfortunately this is what happens when in a relationship with someone who is a parent. Just be there for him, let him know u are there. However do expect some reassurance from him where this is going. I think if he doesn’t want you, you will know because if you guesed his two days silence was because he was upset and it turned out to be true I think you are on the right track what you need is to stop feeling guilty and have a good time like u said in your post.
Jovial
A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (23 May 2007):
Dear lovergirl
Im really sorry next time make sure you send your text to the right recipients.
I think he does have rights to doubt your compassion towards him and daughters your text was cold, but to your friend it was gonna have a different meaning because she understands what you are going through and she knows how much this guy mean to you. Unfortunately is one of those things we don’t have control over.
What I can tell you is that there are no more apologies u can give more than you already have. We all make stupid comments that really hurt unintentionally so was yours. But do you really have to wish things to go back? Look at this way the stupid text made him realise the pain you are also going through so something positive came out of it. But hey don’t take advantage nextime might not be this fortunate.
Yes he is hurt and it is his 2nd priority to rectify his daughters behaviour and this is something you need to know it will always be there to separate you or get you closer it will only depend on your approach towards this not so good situation. Who is staying with this kids anyway? In some cases we cant say its lack of parenting the reason these girls are out of control, sometimes its just bad luck to the parents unfortunately people lokkk at you as a parent. Which is not good because you as a parents are not proud of what your kids are doing, you blame yourself and when someone like you also feel the way you do I don’t think it does make him feel any better about his parenting skills.
The truth is both of you (u&kids) have different meanings to his life and frankly I think he is handling the situation the only way he can if he is still sober given his status. Don’t ruin a good thing just because his daughter’s misbehavior makes you insecure as you get less attention. What u are feeling is natural and it wnt go away as long as the kids are still his. Unfortunately this is what happens when in a relationship with someone who is a parent. Just be there for him, let him know u are there. However do expect some reassurance from him where this is going. I think if he doesn’t want you, you will know because if you guesed his two days silence was because he was upset and it turned out to be true I think you are on the right track what you need is to stop feeling guilty and have a good time like u said in your post.
Jovial
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): hay, first of all there is absolutly no harm in needing to vent to your friends - thats what their there for! I don't really understand why he would get so upset with you if thats all you said in the txt, aren't you allowed to be disappointed that you can't see him? I didn't get the impression that you were bad mouthing his children or even that you were critising him for putting them first you were simply venting!
Second of all yeah your right his kids do come first but that doesn't always neccessarily mean that he has to cancel plans with you to control them - why can't you control them together youve been together what 3 1/2 (years/months?) your apart of his life and his kids are now also partly your responsibility.
Just a few questions has his kids always been this way or is this behavour new? Secondly why can't their mother help disapline them?
I think you just need to explain (again) that you want to be in his life and that you also want to be involved in it and that means involving you with his kids. It may take him a little time to come round to the idea but if your consistant with your actions and your behaviour he will start to relax more around you and will feel comfortable in telling you things.
I hope this helps
xx
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