A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I was in high school, I was bisexual (I'm still am bisexual) but I was too scared to admit it. There was one classmate, a boy named Andrew, who I started being sexually attracted to. He could walk by and I would get erections. I even had sex dreams about him.I was scared that people would figure out that I am bisexual so out of fear, I started bullying Andrew. He eventually changed schools. I have come to terms that I am bisexual and am happy with my life. I understand that me bullying him out of fear of people finding out that I am bisexual was just plain stupid and immature. Andrew actually moved on my street this year and we are now neighbors. I feel guilty for my past actions towards him. How should I handle him being my neighbor? Would it be acceptable for me to apologize to him for my past behavior from about 16 years ago?
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female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (4 December 2020):
 I realize my opinion is different from many of the responses you have received but my advice is to leave the guy alone. You honestly don't know what your bullying did to him but if he changed schools I'd wager that the abuse was so bad that he wanted to never see you again. I would NOT go up and apologize. Thats something that you need to make right with yourself but talking to him again could easily make the guy extremely uncomfortable and freak him out.
I say this from personal experience. I was bullied in high school because I was very tiny. I'm only 4'10" and I got teased about it so much that it would make me cry. I would NEVER want to see the people that did that to me again even if they were saying they were sorry. Some wounds go really deep. I'm now a well adjusted adult, can even laugh about the teasing now, but there is a part of me that still hurts that someone was so stupid and mean to tease me about something that was way beyond my control.
Forgive yourself, move on and leave the man alone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2020): My interpretation is that this guy will move away as soon as he realises that you want to insert yourself into his life again.I think the person you need to forgive is yourself.But it seems to me that you are trying to do exactly the same thing again.You had teenage erections you blamed on him.You made his life hell as a consequence.Now you want to dig up the past and make yourself a feature in his life!Maybe this guy will move on anyway.It would be so upsetting for him to find that someone who had bottled up emotions that were used against him was back in the same location.I understand people saying an apology for being a total nuisance in someone's life is a kind way of letting the other person know you have no further malice.It's also a way of letting them know you're in the area.But you came to dear Cupid to 'out' yourself again and not a law site to see what your liabilities would be should he decide to sue you for historic malice. And to be honest I don't exactly know what kind of abuse it was that you perpetrated on him but if it was sexual abuse then he could possibly want to sue you.So perhaps the best thing you could do is to make sure you are happy in your life and to just leave the guy alone.I can guarantee that he won't want to know about your teenage erections.It is just something that happens and should not be mentioned at all as you would be imposing your sexuality on him all over again when in fact the reality of it is that it was none of his business in the first place.To bring up the topic of youthful erections as a reason for your behaviour is really just another insult.It oversteps the boundaries of normal neighbour behaviour.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (3 December 2020):
 Call me cynical but I strongly suspect your urge to apologize to this victim of your bullying is not as altruistic as the other aunts and uncles are assuming. My gut tells me this is more about your past - and, I suspect, current - attraction to him. I suspect your agenda is to try to tune into the raw teenage sexual feelings you had for him all those years ago and to see where you can take them. I am sure you don't suddenly find him unattractive after all those sex dreams and involuntary erections of years ago.
I think you SHOULD apologize sincerely and unreservedly for being a teenage thug who was such a bully that a boy had to change schools to escape his attention. There is NO excuse for what you did so stop trying to justify it and saying it was down to "fear". Real fear is what the victim felt when you were abusing him. After offering your apology, you need to stay well away from him. Many victims of bullying suffer a lifetime of flashbacks and having to live on the same street as you must be very difficult for this poor guy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 December 2020):
 I also agree that you CAN offer an apology but not try and make excuses.
The excuses (that you were sexually confused in high school and attracted to him) is not something you need to explain. It will probably NOT help, but make it worse.
Also, EXEPCT nothing in return for your apology. You are owed nothing for your bullying and nothing for an apology.
I'm guessing the apology is more for you than him anyways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2020): I think it would be commendable and very kind to offer Andrew your apology; but I agree with Code Warrior, that you don't bother explaining what was behind it. Bullying has many psychological factors that contribute to the behavior. Let him focus on the sincerity of your apology; not the details that will probably make it difficult to accept the apology.
Depending on how seriously your bullying affected Andrew emotionally and psychologically; be prepared for a possible negative-response. He may have buried the memories years ago; but you will be digging-up the painful past. He may have undergone therapy and counseling to get over it. He may not immediately offer you forgiveness. Don't be surprised if he holds total disdain for you. If he was driven from the school because of it, it may have left a few emotional scars.
He has had years to heal. Unfortunately, some people carry grudges and psychological-trauma for many years, some even a lifetime. To receive an apology from the perpetrator is rare. Even if your attempt to apologize and make amends is rejected; it still has a healing effect. Just don't expect it to be immediate.
Make an attempt, but leave it up to Andrew to process the apology however he pleases, and in his own time. I recommend that you maintain your distance; until he shows signs there is no grudge or bad-blood between you. You cannot force people to forgive; and you can't carry the burden of guilt indefinitely. The past has to be let-go; even if he can't find it in his heart to forgive and forget. You were both only teenagers then; but many years have past that has changed you in many ways. I'm hoping he wasn't too seriously injured by it; and was able to get past it over the years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2020): Of course it would!
However, I wouldn't go into details WHY I had bullied him.
You are a different person now. Stick with that and say that you are aware of how badly you behaved, how much pain you'd caused... and tell him that you would like to make amends and ask him how.
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