A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend keeps checking my phone on the sly, almost every other day. I've lost count of the amount of times I've caught her snooping and her looking all embarrassed about it. She says she can't help herself if I leave it lying around, which I do quite a lot. I don't get it though; I've never given her any reason to think I've been cheating on her. I honestly have nothing to hide, ever. We've been together nearly 2 years and I'd like to think I've shown her enough love and devotion, but she clearly doesn't trust me.She says she's been cheated on in the past which is why she can't help but be paranoid, but so have I yet I wouldn't dream of ever checking her phone, nor have I ever been suspicious of her. My friends think it shouldn't be anything to really worry about if I've got nothing to hide but I just wonder if our relationship is going to work if she can never trust me. Advice? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (7 December 2020):
 I think that she has entered into a new relationship to soon and is clearly not healed from the last one.
She should have never embarked on a new relationship until she was 100% over the last one. She needed to work on herself and get into a better feeling place before subsequent relationships.
You have given her no reason to think you are cheating, or hiding things on your phone. The problem is clearly with her and her insecurities, and she needs to work on this.
Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, without trust there is no way it can work.
She needs to start trusting you, i think if this keeps happening then maybe you need to finish this relationship so she can sort herself out and get herself into a better place.
A
female
reader, Beets  +, writes (6 December 2020):
 If we asked her, would she tell us that you have never given her reason to doubt you? No secret chats with an ex, or a "friend," or being on dating sites when you're supposed to be committed to her? If she can say that you have truly done nothing, then she is going to drive herself AND you insane with this obsession. My guess is that her insecurities go beyond the scope of you cheating, and there are other significant insecurities she has to work through. If she does find something to question in your behavior, what will she do about it? Is she going to leave? Is she going to stay and give you heck about it for the rest of your life?While I do believe in absolute transparency in all issues in a relationship, I also believe that this kind of obsessive checking up on you will eventually kill things, and it's borderline abusive. I'd suggest she find a counselor to work through her insecurities with. It isn't your mission in life to heal her from the past. That is hers. If she absolutely believes she is going to find something, and you have not done ANYTHING to stoke her insecurity fire, then she needs to work on her issues professionally.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 December 2020):
 To male anonymous, the suggestion when I say "tell her to go through it" is because SHE already has. And she found nothing.
But she KEEPS looking "hoping to "not" (I hope) find anything at all.
So Telling her go ahead look, it will be a ONE TIME deal (not that he HAS to offer it, he can just tell her I've put in a password because I'm not OK with my privacy being invaded because you are insecure or whatnot) - TELLING her ok go through it is him being as OPEN and TRANSPARENT as anyone can be.
It should give her a little pause to perhaps check herself and think about HER actions.
What she might not realize (and perhaps she never will) is that SHE can't control HIM or HER own insecurities by going through his phone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2020): Insecurity kills relationships. You have no responsibility to account for what some other guy did to her. You may have committed to your girlfriend too soon after a breakup. A person spurned and paranoid after a bad relationship, who brings their baggage with them, is better-off dumped; after you've made every considerable effort that is humanly-possible to gain their trust. She is being childish and immature.
You had to come to an advice site to ask what to do about someone who is insecure, and disrespects your privacy. She torments you over what some other guy did to her. That's not your fault, and you can't cure her. She has to get-over her ex, let-go of the past, and come into the present.
After considerable time and exhaustive-effort; you will see very little for your emotional-investment. You need to have a talk with her. Explain how her distrust makes you feel, and you are losing patience with dealing with it. Never holdback telling people how they've hurt or offended you. If you don't, their behavior gets worse. Then you will feel cornered or pushed; and you will address the issue out of anger and rage. That's often after you've lost control and they've pushed you too far.
It is time for a serious discussion and an ultimatum. If she can't trust you, she can't really love you. Love is nurtured through trust and affection. Trust is the reward for your loyalty and devotion. If you're not trusted after giving someone your heart, and taking your own risks to be with them, then what exactly is the point?
The relationship is centered around her and her insecurities. That's not really a romance, that's emotional-blackmail and psychological-imprisonment. You wrote because it's now becoming too much to bear. You're sick of the behavior, and she makes the same tired old excuse for it. Somebody cheated on her. How is that your fault???
It must stop, or you must consider ending the relationship. It's not because you want to, but because you'll have no peace; and she doesn't reciprocate the trust you're offering her. That isn't fair!
It's only a matter of time, and how much you can take. It's impossible to keep giving and loving; and all you get in return is suspicion and distrust. It's an indication that she's the wrong person for you; and only time will tell when enough is enough.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2020): Put a password on it if it bothers you. I really do like honeypie’s advice of telling her to just go through it.
There are no secrets in my life but passwords are in place and they are not shared.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 December 2020):
Tell her next time you catch her, tell her to GO ahead go through the WHOLE thing, and once she is done... you say OK what did you find?
If she found nothing, you tell her OK, I'm now putting a Password on it because you are intruding on MY privacy and if you "can't help yourself" I WILL help you by cutting access.
She won't MAGICALLY start trusting you by going through your phone constantly.
SHE has to make a choice, will she WORK on building trust WITH you or end it.
If SHE can not trust you then she shouldn't BE with you!
If you have NEVER given her reason NOT to trust you, there should be NO reason to go through your phone LOOKING for things.
I have a password on my phone but EVERYONE in the house (seriously) all my kids and husband, has the password. My husband don't have a password ( I think) on his. He has used my phone, I have used his - it's a phone, that is all. I have not thought to "check and see" if I can fond "incriminating" things on his, I don't think he has either. My husband could, if he wanted to, go through my phone at anytime. I don't care because I have nothing to hide. However, he hasn't. Because why would he? Same goes for me.
I DO know that we are "old" and thus don't have our entire lives and social media ON our phones so it might be different for OUR generation VERSUS yours. I still don't see that as justification for her to snoop in your phone and invade your privacy. YOU (both) (we all) have the RIGHT to SOME personal privacy!
You should tell her "My friends think it shouldn't be anything to really worry about if I've got nothing to hide but I just wonder if our relationship is going to work if she can never trust me"
You are right. A HEALTHY relationship REQUIRE trust.
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