A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am feeling messed up after dating this guy. We hooked up a couple of times. I started to like him. Then he told me he just split up with ex. They got back together. I was upset, but moved on. He made me realise that I do want a loving, sexual relationship and he showed me that I am a sexual person(which is something my last serious ex made me feel wasn't true - another story)So I happily go about my life until the guy gets back in touch. He's split up again, she's a bitch who sleeps around, bla bla bla. I really fancy the guy and find him interesting so I see him. Then he finds out his ex is pregnant, and is messed up about it. I kept seeing him, but I knew that this would not end well for me. I guess I held on to the small hope that they would stay split up, because their relationship wasn't healthy as she openly cheats on him. But he still loves her...So, I saw him a couple of weeks, trying to keep a bit of distance to see what would happen. Then one day we were supposed to meet up, but then he tells me that he is going to meet his ex later. I went for a drink with him anyway. Then when he calls his ex she ignores him and he gets upset and talks to me about how she always does this. I get upset and tell him its because I really like him but obviously he loves his ex. He says he really likes me and asks me to give him time. So we agree and I go back to his.During sex, he gets a call from his ex, he jumps up and answers it. I can hear him crying down the phone, sobbing. He comes back and tells me she has just had sex with someone else and called to tell him. She also told him she doesn't care that the baby is his, she just wanted a baby with anyone.At this point I see how messed up their relationship is. I am also really hurt that he answered the phone when we were having sex. He can't respect me when his head is on ex. So I put my clothes on to leave, but he begs me to stay. He told me that he had plans to kill himself in 2 day time. So I ended up staying with him, talking to him, telling him that life will get better. He opened up a lot to me. I felt close to him. But in the back of my mind, I had still decided that I had to get away from the situation, despite caring for him a lot.So 2 days later we spoke and I said a load of things that were on my mind like that I felt I deserved to be with someone who can love me and that he has things to work out with his ex, as she must have chosen to have his baby for a reason. He thought I was breaking up and went to say goodbye. Then I realised I didn't want to lose him so I tried to convince him to keep talking to me. But it came across that I didn't know what I wanted, which is true. My head was all over the place.So I saw him the next day. He had a wall up and I tried to broach the subject and said I shouldn't have said the stuff to push him away and I made a mistake. But I didn't fight enough. He seemed to have made up his mind, and told me he was going to buy an expensive ring for his ex. So I left and tried to say I was sorry and want to still be with him, but he said just give it time.We saw each other again a week later. I responded to a drunk I miss you text. He said he wanted me to fight for him and he could tell I wanted to say something, but I didn't talk. I realised I didn't fight and I couldn't think of the words to say. I wasn't sure if it was right to fight. He was angry I pushed him away after he had really opened up to me. I just felt that the situation was too much for me to deal with emotionally.Anyway, on another night he told me that he could not give me what I wanted, because he is a broken person, he has no love to give right now. Plus his ex. He said he could make me a better person for the next guy I'm with. That broke my heart because it's shows he really doesn't care if I move on.I knew, and he knew that I could really love and care for him, more than his ex. But that doesn't change the way he feels for her. And he has shown, he doesn't really hold me in high regard. I do deserve to be with someone who thinks I am worth fighting for, and worth moving on from the last ex for.I know he is back with his ex now. I am just so hurt and confused. I feel like he smashed into my life and changed some things for the better, but also left me broken. I felt a lot for him. I saw a beautiful, fascinating person, and he saw me too. I feel like I messed up. I keep thinking, if only I had been braver and gone for it. I hadn't felt feelings like that for anyone, in a long time, nd in fact, they were more intense and amazing. So I should have fought to keep it for as long as possible.But my moral compass and conscience were making me say that I should do what is right and get out of the way of his relationship with his pregnant girlfriend. Despite whatever issues they have, he clearly loves her. And I would always have to compete with her.I just feel so sad, because it was the best thing to happen to me, sexually and romantically. He is my type physically, we get on and have interesting conversations. I dunno, my question is, how do I move on from this experience and feel happy again and find a relationship that makes me feel at least that good again? I have been shown what great sex and love feels like and I really want to find it. I wish it could have been with him. But I can't change his heart or situation. How can I let go when I felt so much for him?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2015): You don't have to remove your post. Answers just stop coming or you can just block any further answers. Writing like you did is good therapy. Venting through writing helped me to move on faster too.
Remember, your questions are what others may need answers to. You're not being judged. You're helping other people in the same situation. We can all relate. Everyone has been there and done that. Yes, there are some relationships that have value for only one thing or another; but just may go sour or take a turn at some point. You just have to be sure your heart and mind can handle the changes.
Best of luck to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh come on I know he didn't love me... I know he is a player. I know I let myself get carried away by his game, because it had been a while for me... Fun, fun, fun. I just needed to rant to blow off emotional steam. I do get over emotional about these things... Thanks for your support guys. Is there any way I can remove this whole post from here? :S
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2015): You were shown great sex, not great sex and love, he didn't love you I'm sorry to say but he was always in love with his ex and deep down you know that. Just take the sexual pleasure memories from it and leave behind these fake fantasies of making it more than what it was.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry to rant. I wrote a lengthy post because I had been bottling it all up and needed to write it all out, this helps me process my emotions. I did want empathy and guidance. I was greatful for your help, took it on board and felt like I was able to accept the truth and move on. Btw I had already accepted the truth, I was just waiting to get it out of my head once and for all.
But I felt your reply was condescending, and made me feel negative when I was in a good mood about it all. So I defended myself. Anyway, I know you were trying to help. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2015): So if you're so okay with yourself, what exactly is your post about? Pray tell?
I addressed your pain. I was not laying out a map for your life. However; people don't write lengthy posts about how they are hurt and who hurt them; unless they need some empathy and a little guidance. I offered that. Take it or leave it. I address my advice to anyone willing to read it. Not just the OP. More power to you! I think you'll be okay!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, and I maintained my last relationship 4 years, like I said. So I do know how to find something good and maintain it. That was more than drama and sex. Just because I became involved in this one messy experience, does not mean that this is a habit, quite the opposite, hence why I am/was so confused about it and why I let it continue when I knew it was foolish. But I have come to peace with it now. And I'd like to stay up here, so don't try to bring me down please wiseowl.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, by 2 weeks, I meant to grieve and feel sad. In fact I want to be happy now, and I can be. I didn't mean I am going to get with someone else. But after 2 weeks I will be open to the idea. I said I was single for 3 years after the last guy and I know I am finally over him. I am happy about that. Don't try and take that away from me. I don't just get with anyone to avoid being alone, as you suggest. I am picky, and only get with guys I feel a strong attraction for. I was asked out by 3 guys recently and turned them down, despite being technically single, because I am capable of controlling my emotions. But yes, I allowed myself to get drawn into above mentioned messy fling. So I have work to do. But I am sorry, I'm 29, I am not waiting 3 more years before I start looking at men again because of 1 messy fling. Jeebz! By heal myself, I meant ACTIVELY heal myself, ie diet, exercise, counselling, meditation, church, good friends, introspection etc, which I am in the process of anyway and was before I met the guy. He set me back but I am back on track. So there you go. My whole sorry state for your perusal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your concern. However, I am who I am - an emotional person. I feel only years of expensive therapy can truly fix me, which I can't afford. Even then, I am an emotional person and don't think it's a bad thing. I actually like having strong feelings. I am learning to understand how to control mine, or at least, live with them.
I am not getting any younger and life is short. I want to enjoy mine. And part of the joy of life is love and sex. I took 3 years to get over my ex. 3 years! Even though this last guy was messy, I bloody enjoyed it! And I didn't hurt anyone. It was my decision, not a mistake. So it caused me pain, but so do all breakups, no matter what happens or who you are. We all deal with them our own way.
I am not going to deprive myself of the joys of sex and romance anymore. I know it may take time to manifest the relationship I truely want. But I don't see my previous relationships as "mistakes". They were all wonderful experiences and I learnt so much from them. I wouldn't have passed them up for the world. Hence why I am not going to wait until I am 55 and clinically 100% emotionally stable or bereft to form a relationship again. I am always going to feel love deeply and probably always more than the person I am love, because that's who I am. I love deeply. I don't think that's a bad thing, I just need to learn to take care of myself while I am in love. You learn through experience...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2015): Two weeks tops, huh? Go back and read you previous post.
I told you, you go through a range of feelings and emotions; then they come back. It does take months. You can't get your fix from him; so you'll find yet another man. You don't write long emotional posts about a relationship, and you feel alright a few days later. You are grief-stricken.
You didn't really get over you other broken relationships. You admitted yourself, you always take relationships too seriously. That implies more seriously than anyone else in your relationships. I stand by the advice to stay single. I did not say don't date. If you made all the mistakes you made with this last guy, explain to me how you'll be much wiser with the next?
Take some time off from men. You need to introspect and look back on the past, and learn what it takes to find something good, and maintain it long enough to enjoy more than drama and good sex. You're right! You're old enough to know better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a million for your replies guys :) You are amazing. My head has been mashed and it helped a lot to get the full story out and to be heard.
I have now accepted that it is over and I feel so happy again. I was in a really good place after our initial couple of hook ups and in a way it would have been better to have left things there. But I just felt I had to spend more time with him. Also I would always have had an idealised view of him. Now I know who he really is, and I can move on knowing it was not meant to be.
I have realised I took it all too seriously, as I do with all my relationships. I need to learn to control my emotions and not fall so deep before I really know the person.
To be honest, I knew it was going to cause me pain, the longer I kept seeing him. But I chose to feel the pain, in order to have the good experience. I knew once I found out she was pregnant that I was fighting a losing battle. He was always going to choose her over me. I just hoped, when he contacted me again, that he had realised that things were not going to work with his ex/girlfriend, and that if I proceeded cautiously, things could work out with me and him. But yeah, I wasn't aware of the full picture, and quite how much unfinished business they clearly have.
It didn't work out how I hoped and there's no point feeling bad about it. It was painful but it was also really fun and I've got a lot from it. So I have no regrets. I followed it to the end and I now know exactly where I stand, so I can accept that it was what it was and move on :)
Also, btw I'm not a young woman, I'm almost 30! Should know better haha :D Plus I was single for 3 years(despite a couple of short flings) since my last serious relationship. So I don't hop from one man to the next. I do take time to heal myself after relationships. But I have realised what I have been missing. My last serious ex(I was with him for 4 years, 3 years ago) moved on 2 years ago and is now happy with someone else. So I don't want to waste much time healing from this guy, I ain't waiting for months, that's for sure! 2 weeks tops. I get the need to wait before having sex, I won't be jumping into bed quite so soon with the next person.
There are some other guys in the picture, I got asked out recently by 3 guys, so that helps to make me feel better :) Also today I saw a guy who looks just like the I fell hard for, so I know there are more guys who are my "type" out there. I can see there are plenty more fish in the sea. It's hard to see that when you are still hung up on someone. But I can see that now. I won't rush to be with another guy just to avoid being alone. But I do want and deserve to be loved, and I am ready to love someone again, wholeheartedly now. So I am going to heal up as fast as I can, and get back out there!
So I think I am going to be ok pretty soon guys :) Thank you so much for your time and kind words :) I hope to return the favour someday.
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reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 August 2015):
 I'm sorry you got caught up in all that drama, that had NOTHING to do with you.
He should NOT have started to see you, when he clearly had SO much unfinished business with his on/of GF.
My advice to you?
BLOCK his number, block, delete and remove ANY ways for him to get hold of you, and you to get hold of him.
HE has to deal with this GF and the drama HE helped create. I mean... if she is pregnant, they OBVIOUSLY had unprotected sex. SHE (according to him) has slept around a lot SO you.... NEED to go see your GP and get a STD/STI panel done. because if SHE has slept around a lot AND slept with him... YOU have been put at risk too.
How can you let go? By accepting that it is NOT going to happen. HE can't give you what you want and need. And it's NOT the GF's fault. IT's his. HE has made the choice to STAY with her regardless of how dysfunctional their relationship it. Maybe he claims he is only staying for the baby, but... I don't buy it.
He might care about you, but... again I think you were more of an escape for him. A fantasy.
TAKE some time to be JUST you. Do things that makes you happy. Spend time with family and friend. And when you feel totally over this guy, THEN consider dating again.
My advice, DO NOT settle for a "fwb"/casual thing with a guy, no matter how cute, sweet etc. Take a good 3-4 months of dating/spending time together to GET to know him - that way you will quickly find out if there are exes lurking or unfinished business that you don't want to get involved in. DO this BEFORE you start having sex.
You bonded with this guy over sex. Because he showed you that sex can be good and that it's OK for you to enjoy it. THAT is also why you need to wait a while to have sex with the next guy. Be on the same page before having sex. DO NOT accept a ... "I am not sure I want a relationship right now but I really like you blah blah blah..." because THAT only means that he likes you JUST enough to have sex with you, dating you? Not so much. DO NOT settle.
You think YOU messed up with this guy? YOU did, by not cutting the contact 100% the FIRST time he went back to the ex. You should have walked away. But you had the whole "Florence Nightingale" thing going on, hoping that you would "fix" his broken heart and sadness with your love and care... THAT... never works. What you got was a "broken dude still hooked on his ex/gf" - no amount of duct tape can "fix" that. No amount of love and good intentions.
You can't fight for something that isn't "yours". HE has WAY too much drama, baggage, and unfinished business to ACTUALLY have a full and decent relationship with you. Even IF he left her now... SHE would always be lurking (specially of they share a child), he would ALWAYS put her first. JUST like he did when he answered her call during sex with you...
You now know what you WANT - a loving relationship. SO take the time to heal, THEN find a SINGLE guy who is looking for the same.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 August 2015):
 When you wrote this: "....Anyway, on another night he told me that he could not give me what I wanted,..." he told you everything you need to know to justify getting away from him and never looking back.....
Good luck..
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2015): Once you grow attached to someone, it takes time and distance to let go. It's easy to just tell you let go; knowing good and well it's just not that simple. He became an addiction for you, and you became a painkiller for him. You put up with all that disappointment and bullsh*t with his baby-mama drama. Taking him back, chasing him around, taking crumbs, and begging for more.
Futility and reality will set your head straight. Eventually!
It could take a long time; depending how stubborn you are about holding on to nothing. There is no instant way to feel better. You are going to go through shock, grief, anger, loneliness, and frustration. Then numbness.
Then you'll feel better, and it will all come back and hit you again. That's just how it goes when you breakup. Only problem is, you never really had him to start with. You just can't see the forest for the trees. You clearly were the rebound girl, and insisted on staying in the picture. Watching him run back to his ex, over and over and over. You could have saved yourself a lot of pain just listening to common-sense.
Well, you'll have to rumble with the grief, until your mind and emotions adjust to the loss. That's how it goes. You take care of yourself, do things that make you happy even if but for a short time, turn to family and friends for affection; and use your stubborn nature to get over him.
You also have to stop being a drama-queen and living a reality show/soap opera love-life. Use your brain, girlfriend. A guy stuck on his ex means heartbreak, any way you look at it.
Stay away from guys recently broken-up with other women. If another woman consistently comes up in your romance...dump the guy instantly; regardless of how you feel for him. It will feel worse if he dumps you for her. Let the emotions flow; so you don't bottle them up or store them away, to drag the old baggage into another relationship.
Don't go looking for another relationship to hide in. It will not heal you any faster, and it will screw you up.
Young females tend to rush into relationships with guys thinking all they need is a nice guy to make them happy.
NOT!!! You need to be single and alone for months. To regain strength, boost your self-esteem, reboot your mindset, and to see yourself and as individually; not just half of a couple. Somebody's girlfriend. You are a woman, with or without a man. Remember that!
If you're messed-up, it will mess-up any potential relationship. Unresolved issues resurface from your past that poison the present. So you have to go through the whole painful experience of recovery, and you will grow stronger and wiser. Fight the bitterness, do not accept any further contact from him. Never-ever!!! He is your weakness and addiction. Fight it like crack cocaine or heroine. Beat it cold-turkey. It's the only way, sweetie.
Learn self-discipline and control over your feelings. If you don't, you will always get them trampled due to stupidity and unruly impulses. See the red-flags for what they are. They comeback to bite you in the ass if you don't.
I'm preaching to the choir on that one. You are now going through it.
You'll be better in a few months. It takes a lot of effort on your part to fight your way back. Get to work!
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