A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:All I have in this world is my balls and my word. And I don't trust women. I am not saying they're all bad. I just think when the times get tough, they disappear. And when the times are good, they love you. Am I wrong? With an attitude like this, how can I ever be in a relationship with a woman? Years ago, there was this beautiful Asian woman who might have been interested in me. But when things got a bit tough, she disappeared. It was partially my fault. I admit that. But it has left me with a sour taste in my mouth. You know what I'm saying? And I tend to give off signals to women telling them that I don't trust them one bit. What is wrong with me? What should I do? Should I see a Psychiatrist? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 I think it all depends from what you mean by " things getting tough ". It's very vague and mysterious. How tough, tough why and in which way ?...
Tough like, arguing every day about every little thing ? Or like, you being in a funk and resorting to drugs and booze to cheer yourself up ? Tough like physical , verbal, emotional abuse ? Tough like you being or becoming incomeless and expecting her to support you ?...
I am necessarily throwing around random examples that may have got nothing to do with you. Just to stress my point that leaving a bad situation is not necessarily lack of loyalty, or fickleness, often it's simple, plain, common good sense.
It all depends from the how and why and also the when; not always sticking together trough thick and thin is the appropriate solution. A wife dumping her long time husband because he gets sick or looses his job is a disloyal wife, a girl ditching a guy who shows himself as controlling or disrespectful right from the start is a wise, clever girl !
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Hey, we feel the same way! Girls think men dissapear too! If only we could trust each other enough to understand we are more alike than different. You can do the same. Trust women just a bit more, enough to open up about being hurt. Then you might find they feel the same way.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 Do you distrust your mother too? She's a woman, you know!
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth +, writes (13 April 2012):
Women are not this separate class of beings who are different from men and saying stuff like, "I don't trust women" makes you sound like a misogynist, which you might well be. Women are people. Just like men. They're just normal human beings with different reproductive organs, that's all. Their fears, insecurities, weaknesses, feelings, thoughts, desires, aspirations are the same...women and men are not two different species you know!! So this classing of women as "the other" is distressing. Once you stop thinking of women as a separate category altogether, you'll realise that people are of all sort...some good, some bad, mostly in between. And then you'll be able to decide whether something not going the way you wanted it to go justifies your having irrational feelings about the rest of humanity!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 The psychiatrist is going to say you are normal so you are going to be disappointed that the only guidance you have is yourself. I don't trust men either, but I keep on dating, and answered to a profile which is the cheesiest one, the one that would probably turn women off. Basically this guy is saying he wants a serious relationship and that he wants to marry some day, and that he believes in the old fashioned till death to us part kind of relationship. He lives far away (an hour) but I gave him a try because no one else living close to me is that serious about it. He is my boyfriend for 5 months now. At the beginning I suspected that it's all talk but so far everything is going good. He made me realize that he is just a regular guy and there are actually a lot more trustworthy men in the world.
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way, it sounds like you have been deeply hurt by a woman, or women?
Perhaps you have become addicted to the pain, if so you really need to make an effort to change your way of thinking, for your own good.
I am guessing that past dissapointments have made you cynical, and the cynicism makes you feel empowered, am I right?
I would also like to know what your relationship with your mother & sisters was like?
We all feel this way sometimes about the opposite sex.
I don't think right now is a good time for a relationship, for you. I think you need to build up more of your life right now, add fun and interesting new hobbies to it.
Also, I believe people are attracted to people like themselves... So what ever you want in a woman, BECOME THAT. If you want a trustworthy woman become trustworthy. (in little things as well as great) you want a loyal woman become loyal. You want a hot woman become hot, you want a kind woman... etc.
I am not saying you aren't these things already but we can all be better.
If you focus more on becoming the right person instead of finding the right person, if you just fill your life with fun meaningful things, you won't have to search so hard for the right woman... She will simply drift into your life for the taking...
And then your only challenge will be to make sure no one else gets there first.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (12 April 2012):
 So because one woman hurt you, which you admit was partially your fault anyway, you're blaming the rest of the 3 billion women on the planet for your mess up and her mess up?
Seems kinda ridiculous to me.
Yes, please go and see a shrink. You blaming all women for one woman's sins is like me putting you in jail because my neighbor robbed a bank.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 April 2012):
 You don't trust all women??
Truly, you have failed to understand the most basic fundamental rule in relationships, and now you've utterly committed yourself to making sure that your theory on trusting women must become reality.
First, never ever convict the future for the past. If some woman hurt you, you don't indict the entire gender, or you will be alone forever. How would you feel if I made you answer for all the so-called crimes that other men did to me? If a past boyfriend years ago (right? This Asian woman was years ago??) cheated on me and lied, does that mean that you're a no-good lying cheating pig??
Can you see how many levels of unfair that you're being?
You have one choice...either confine your grudge to the actual women that did you wrong, or hold the entire gender responsible. The latter will keep you alone, miserable, and manipulating and sabotaging every relationship you will ever get into, thus reinforcing your distrust.
Please don't have any more relationships until you resolve your feelings, hopefully with a therapist, or you will scar other women into not trusting men, and how horrible will that be, where you mistreat them into leaving you?
You are in no position to trust or distrust a gender. Think individually and give a person a chance. If you were raised to distrust women, then grow beyond your upbringing, or you will continue in misery.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 April 2012):
 "Seeing a psychiatrist may end you up on mind-altering drugs, and they tend to string you along and make you dependent on them. They are the dogs of the medical profession. Don't trust them."
That is incorrect. Psychiatrist are just as likely to scam you or put you on drugs as any other doctor is. In any case no one can force you to take medication unless you are threatening to commit suicide. Which you aren't. And psychiatrists to my awareness are extremely cautious of handing out drugs. To my awareness the only place where anti-depressants are being used widely is in the USA, which might explain your distrust in them, Kyle007. But for the case of Norway at least, you will not get any medication unless you are about to kill yourself.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (12 April 2012):
Seeing a psychiatrist may end you up on mind-altering drugs, and they tend to string you along and make you dependent on them. They are the dogs of the medical profession. Don't trust them.
I don't have enough info about you to tell you what you may be doing to attract this, but all I can say is that you just have to keep trusting until you find someone worthy of it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 April 2012):
You have no experience with women? You only mention one woman who MIGHT have been interested in you. "Might" does in no way mean that she actually cared for you and left you. She might have liked you, but she moved out of your life for whatever reason. Same as all other women you've known, or known of. But none of them have been a girlfriend. None of them have been a wife. Have they?
Have you ever actually had a relationship?
You are wrong. Some people disappear when times get tough, others don't. But men and women are both the same when it comes to that.
You said it was particularly your fault that the Asian woman left. I would like you to clarify what exactly happened, and why you think it was your fault.
If you have the means to see a psychiatrist I would recommend it. They help you sort out your thoughts and distinguish the irrational thoughts from the rational. If you do not learn how to trust in women then you can not have a relationship with one.
I would like you to think about what it is you want out of a relationship. What is it you seek, what do you think are the good things about a relationship that makes you want one? What would your goals be: marriage for example? A family? Children? Companionship? Someone to share your life with?
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