A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm depressed and upset about my husband and his affair with an 18 year old girl. I've stressed about it since I found out 4 months ago. I can't stop thinking about it and crying. I had my new baby 6 weeks early due to all this trauma. The birth was traumatic (emergency C section due to bleeding) while stranded away from home in another town. We are home now my baby boy is lovely but I am not enjoying it like I did with my girls. The pregnancy was horrible and my life is ruined by my husband and this girl. She can't understand why it's got anything to do with her because shes single. Ive accepted him back but I can't get over it. They slept together in my bed for 6 days non stop while I was ill and away. They slept together once more after I found out and he worked with her for two month more until she left. I feel traumatised and destroyed by all this and have to deal with the pregnancy/birth/baby aswell. I know I must try to concentrate on the children/baby but I'm in bits. He seems to be try to be nice to me (He's been nasty for a few years worse while he had the affair and I had no idea) I cry everyday and no help is being offered.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): Dear poster
I am glad to hear you are coping a little better, got to agree yes it is harder to try to keep your family all together i also tryed this we failed sorry but I hope you can mange it. its the shock, the embaressment (thought you have nothing to be ashamed of) you are trying so very hard to hold it all together. can I ask have you told friends family or can you not do that prefer to keep it secret, the reason I ask is I think thats too hard you need to be able to talk to someone (agree with daphone 1) Just remeber this is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong its all down to your husband and I wonder how he can live with himself. last but not least if you to fail like me you are not a failure not many people could forgive and forget that if any could but just because you want your family together does not mean you have to accept all this crap the choice is yours just like your husband made the choice to do as he did nobody forced him. get strong and keep us posted.
A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (5 November 2007):
 Hello again,
thank you for you response, my heart really goes out to you, i now some of the things i said may have seemed a little harsh, i really was concerned that you were not coping, which i really understand, i was afraid for your health and the health of all your children would be affected, because of the pain you were going through, it is difficult to cope in the first place with the events that have happened to you, all the stress of this plus two girl and a baby, must really have been a nightmare for you, when i said you need help i believed that the baby was with you and only put more pressure on you, when i said gret help i meant, a friend , the person next door or some one from your family, and i failed you because i did not make this clear in my respons which i am very sorry for this error.
I would never had suggested that your children were running wild, the idea never entered my head that they were,i was just trying to impress on you that you did not need to go it alone, there are lots of people out there who can help you.
I am happy to hear that things are looking up for you and you will soon be getting the help you deserve, i wish you well with the depression, if this will help i took the bed into the garden and burnt it, waste of money really but watching it burn seemed to clean away part of the deceit,and made me feel a bit better, i then purchased a new bed, time is the only thing that will take the pain away, once you stop punishing yourself, because its not your fault, as you already know, hope you and you children have better times in the future.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 I posted before your reply. Glad to hear you are getting the medical help. The rest of my post still stands.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2007):
Make an appointment with your doctor to discuss your depression and see what he/she suggests. Once your have that under control and you are feeling better and thinking clearly I'm willing to bet you'll then make an appointment with a lawyer. Get every red cent that's coming to you. His bonking an 18 year old tramp in your own bed is the ultimate betrayal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who have posted. My children are happy Yes they have seen me upset but there is no way I would lose them. There is no grounds for that at all. I may be a bit fixated about what they got up to in my house and the state of human morals in general. I have been to see medical professionals (Midwife the day after I found out, Doctor and the health visiter) I have been waiting for an appointment for 3 months. I have put up with a lot and the traumatic birth as well. As I said in my original posting that I am concentrating on my children. They have seen him be nasty to me for a while so I wouldn't ever lose them. I believe men deal with thing differently(to dapone 1) cut out the problem from your life and don't think about it. I am doing the harder thing in try to work at not breaking up the family. MUCH HARDER than giving up. Yes I need support and look forward to getting it. I have two daughter of course I worry about the decline in morals of teenagers. I would not want my girls to act like tarts and I believe they wont because I show them a different lifestyle. I have been brought up with divorce and alcholism and I have shown my children an educated and family orientated lifestyle. I managed to finish my degree course through this. My children are not running wild on the streets like most children.That is why I find this difficult it was alway been the family, my husband and his top job making our lives seem great. I feel so let down that he could treat me like this and put the children through a potential divorce and his job was at risk because she was a Saturday girl there.
Thank you I know I am strong but have seriously bad moments when I think too much I would like to know how you stop thinking about when you have to live in a house/bed where they have been together. I will take it day by day and hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My baby boy is great and has survive being premature in the nicu and it doing well.
L x
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A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (3 November 2007):
Hi Anon
Thank for your reply, it looks as if were not the only ones with this problem, hope your over yours, and life is better know without him.
thanks you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): Apoligies to daphone 1 sorry to bring back bad memories. I too found out my partner had cheated,he denied it but I found out different from the barmaid, she told me everthing,including being in my house,not in my bed though she would not be walking about if she had admitted that lol.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 November 2007):
 That happened because she's a self centered piece of crap. It's not just in teens. I've read messages from people who have said "I want to be your mistress." It happens at all ages. Usually someone who's been hurt in the past themselves. This girl, I wouldn't doubt it if she was sexually assaulted by a relative, or something close to that. They loose their caring about themselves and develop the impression that since they were hurt, it's a way of coping to share that pain with others who don't deserve it.
It's sad how people treat others and don't care about what happens by their actions. You sounds like a real good person. Work on building yourself back up. It's hard but it's worth it in the long run.
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A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (3 November 2007):
Dear Annon.
Thank you for you response, yes i do know what is its like. i found by wife in my bed with a younger bloke, thats why i Divorce her,the point i was trying to make was that is over now and to keep going over and over it is not doing her any good, she is not thinking of the children she needs help with then while she is going through this problem, my only concern is while she is dwelling on this problem she is, letting her children and baby down, the baby cannot defend it self and it needs her to be there for it,she needs some one to help her other than her husband who is not trust worthy and must be a total fool doing this selfish act when she was carrying his baby, no matter what he did in the past that cannot be changed, but in the here and now she must take care of the children, she can divorce him at a later date
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): Hi poster
With the best will in the world daphone 1 & your advice is good have you any idea what it like to know your husband cheated, thats bad enough but to also know she has been in your house , in your bed thats enough to drive any woman over the edge pregnant or not.This is a huge betrayal and this lady does need expert help, you are not depressed, you love your kids I am sure you just don't know how to cope with all of this. Your husband well!!!! what can I say? Seek help and support anywhere you can, this is not post/pre natel depression it will take you time to learn to live with this with or without your hubby, but I can assure you, you will get better. I have been where you are split sold the house as I couldn't live there anymore. but that was me.Yes this little madam was bad but your husband is the mane ont to blame and he has to accept responsability for his actions. Take care of yourself and your baby's i wish to well.
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A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (3 November 2007):
hello again.
It is time you pulled yourself together,you really do need to see a doctor or some type of medical person, you keep going on about this 18 year old girl but she is not the problem right now YOU ARE, all the ifs, buts, and dont now and whys, are not important,i am more concerned that you have two children and a baby to cope with and all you can do is keep going on about this girl,you are so fixated on this you need to really change your priority,s, the children are the most important now, your really being selfish at a time that your children need YOU the most, you and you alone are letting them down,if you are not happy with your husband and dont want him with you then tell him to go,as i have said before you need help and support, you now your not coping on your own so get help,you cannot keep this up no matter what has happens in your life you and your children are the most important priority that nothing else in your life should really matter, you are not thinking about them at all,get yourself under control or you will end up loosing your children altogether and i dont think you want that to happen, it seems that your marriage was not as stable before, so why dont you instead of constantly going on with this woe is me frame of mind,do something about, sat around felling self pity is going to get you nowhere,you need to put yourself and children first and to hell with everything else, get yourself help now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis girl knew he was married with a 3 month pregnant wife and still came into my house and bed. Why do girls want to cause such pain to other women. Are teenagers that self obsessed. I want it all to go away I can't do this. How do I know what truth or lies anymore. I had 100% trust before and now I have nothing. I can't get on with day to day tasks or feel happy with my children. They see me crying I try not to in front of them but they can tell. I can't tell them it's the pregnancy anymore.
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A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (2 November 2007):
Hello again.
you have admitted that you have depression, for a longer period of time than i had realized, you could leave the situation if you wish but that will not help your depression in any way,you and your children need to be supported through out while you are fighting this condition, if you leave which sounds a great idea now, but what will happen when you are on your own with the kids and you still cant cope, you need to take control of your depression before you make a big decision of this nature, what ever you do is your choice, i cannot tell you what you must do, you cannot make a big decision like this one until you have sorted yourself out, you may regret in time to come any major change you make now, if and when you have gained control then you must do what you think is best for you and the kids.
I wish you well, good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have only just had the baby I have been depressed for 4 months all through my pregnancy I know I feel depressed but it surely isn't post natal depression. Would i not feel so bad if i left. Am ii just prolonging the agony. I seem to be going over the detail and getting upset. How can i not think about it all the time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): I have a lot of sympathy for you but what is your husband doing for your new baby? Why did he continue his affair after you knew, ignorance or an 'i do not care attitude'? this is not to make you feel worse but you should decide maybe having him near is only reminding you of dreadful memories? If so , you should definitely talk with a priest if you do have one and ask for comfort. Go to a real friend and tell the situation if you haven't already and say you do not want advice you just want it out of your head for a week. Leave the baby (boy/girl) along with (his/her) two sisters with a nice babysitter for a week or weekend. Escape to your friend and ask the husband not to come near your children (that way when you think of your children you will not think of your husband as well). A real friend will take you in for at least a weekend and will know what to do. Encourage playing tennis, for example, going jogging, etc.
When one is exhausted it is hard to think of anything else but of being tired and sweaty and eventually to take a shower. Thinking about your husband will only remind you of your misery, so do not simply think about something else, DO something else. A weekend will clear up your head. After that (the weekend or week away)find out who this girl is...if she seems to be sex oriented or dirty minded maybe she aroused the energy not simply your husband. Think positively, and i wish you a great good luck and recovery i can only hope you will be able to overcome this difficult situation your relationship. (remember, this is NOT your doing/fault!)
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (2 November 2007):
 I am not sure what to tell you. I always try to encourage forgivenss and making a marriage work; but in this case I do not know if this man deserves you. I am sure you are hurting beyond what I am imagining and this has had a devastating impact on your family. But the first thing I want to say is it is time for you to take care of you. You have to be strong for yourself and your kids. If you need help dealing with everything do not be afraid to ask. If you feel for one moment that you will not be able to forgive this man then, leave. Take your kids and leave. He destroyed his family not you. It is his fault not yours. It sounds to me like you are hurting more than anyone else in this equation. Hurting because of his infidelity. However, if you feel like you can move on and forgive. Then I applaud you because I do not know many women who would be able to.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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A
female
reader, beauty981946 +, writes (2 November 2007):
please notte that i will answer this as if i was youif i were you,i would ask for a full explanation and then divorce him.i wouldnt be too angry with the girl because she probably didnt know he was married and besides she is only a child herself and she has to learn from her mistakes.i would however tell your husband exactly how i feel and then if he is insensitive i would tell hime that i have just had a baby and that i dont need a cheating husband to add to my stress.i would then insist he gets out of my house and go to the girl he was playing away with.
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A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (2 November 2007):
hello.
I am sorry to hear that your life is not as happy as it should be, and the actions of your husband, you really seem to be going through post natal depression at this time, you should go to doctor and get yourself treated for this condition,the statement you have made suggest you are suffering enough with this, and i think you must sort this out first.
I do not want to advise you until you have been treated for this condition, i dont want to upset you more than you are now, please see your GP and when you are well enough please write in again.
Please take care of yourself.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 November 2007):
It's OK to forgive him, but that doesn't mean you have to forget what he did. You were hurt badly. You said he had been nasty for a while. If this continues, you may have to make a change to best benefit your children.
When I had kids my thought process changed. I live in a way that no matter what activities I take part in, I do so as if my children were watching me. It's not good behavior to be one way with the family and another way outside. While you were sick, he should have been still living as if you were there by his side. This was very disrespectful with what they did.
So in order for you to heal. You're going to have to unleash what's built up. Have your husband sit in front of you, he's not allowed to say anything, and you unleash how you feel, and what this has done to you. Then you'll feel quite a bit better and can forgive.
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A
female
reader, peaches83 +, writes (2 November 2007):
 You have your head on your shoulders and know that you should concentrate on you children.I cannot believe that he would sleep with someone else while you are ill and also to do it in you marital bed.You may think that coping on your own would be hard but can you really stay with him. It is going to be playing in your mind every single day and its going to drag you down with it until you are arguing everyday and really at a low.I think you should take a break from each other and both decide what it is you relly want.Remember through out you are the one that is not the bad guy, he is and why should you feel bad and suffer for it.I wish you all the best and congratulations on the birth of your son.Good luck Peaches
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