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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I can't get over everything that happened with my ex. I mean, while we were together we had issues, because of my past he didn't trust me and called me names. He didn't like people knowing of our issues so everyone (in his family and circle of friends at least) thought we were the perfect couple. My family and close friends only knew about his jealousy over the past, but not about the name calling.The thing is we broke up. And these last few months have been hell. For one, he was still trying to get me back until a couple days ago. He was constantly calling me, buying me flowers, etc. I constantly told him not to do it, that we were over and that I had given him his chance and he didn't take it when the time was right. He still insisted on getting me back, though.During this period, I have met a couple guys, but I'm really not interested in being in a relationship, I just want to be single and have peace. These guys are kind of interested in me though.During the weekend I hung out with my ex. In a moment of unawareness, he went through my phone and found calls and texts from these guys. He was upset that I hadn't told him about them. His whole "sweet" attitude changed and he called me a slut again.Of course I'm hurt. He turned cold, and started acting like he was the victim here and that I had played with him this whole time. That I'm the bitch here, basically. And that I'm dead to him.We only hung out 'cause he insisted. I have told him on every occasion that I don't want to get back together with him. That doesn't mean I no longer love him, though. I just don't want to be together with him.I can't get over it. I also remember all the things he said from time to time, like he liked bigger boobs better and like this actress or that singer were HOT. And I can't help comparing myself to them, or my whole life to his. I feel like his life is so much better 'cause he can actually feel, and he has great friends, etc.I feel really lonely and like my "friends" are not really friends, that I'm uninteresting and actually a bit sexually and emotionally numb. My libido is dead and like my emotions are turned off. I feel really lost. I feel all I have going on for me is my intelligence, but without fulfilling relationships or good self esteem, then what's the worth of my brains? I feel like I'm completely worthless.How can I get over all this and start over? And stop obsessing over him and his friends and his life. I don't get it. I don't want him, but I still think of him all day long, every day. I also can't tell my friends about all this or they will just go tough love on me and be all "I told you so" and that's not what I need right now.
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female
reader, nuluv  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 Oh where to start where to start? First, understand that what you are going through emotionally is quite normal for having survived a situation with an abusive lover and make no mistakes about it, your ex was definitely abusive. He may never have laid a finger on you but what you are going through right now is living proof that words hurt just as much and leave just as many scars as a fist. As for your ability to get over and move on and your tendency to envy his life, these are things that will pass with time and how much time is up to you. Envying his life is something I completely identify with as I used to feel the same way about my ex whom I am actually still very good friends with as our situation was a bit different than yours (we started off as good friends for a brief time, then became romantic, then became friends again, then romantic, then friends…vicious cycle). But, non-the-less, after I finally excepted things were over between us romantically, I still found myself obsessing over him in my thoughts and being jealous of the life he had with his new girlfriend. It angered me that he made efforts with her that he never made with me and it didn’t help that he continued to call and act as if nothing had changed between us. So, after a while, I made a choice to give myself the gift of time away from this man, two years worth of time to be exact. That time away from him was the best gift to me I could have given as it allowed me to do two things: One, I realized that the grass was not as green on the other side as I thought, as I later discovered that he was even more selfish and single minded with his new girlfriend than he had been with me. But most importantly, I rediscovered who I am, what I like, what I dislike, created my own dreams, made new friends, worked on my relationships with old ones…I remembered that I am a whole person, both intelligent and beautiful, deserving of a man who realizes that as well and who takes all of that and gives all of himself in exchange. I am worth the effort of getting to know. I am worth the extra effort of being a bit spoiled if he intends to keep me. I am worth his best love. In time you will realize the same about yourself. As for the other two guys, if you’re not ready to deal with guys and dating, you’re not ready and it isn’t your job to appease them. Take their interest in you as flattery (and proof that you are desirable and more than a brain) but let them know that for personal reasons you simply do not wish to date at the moment.I will point out one more thing before I go. Your ex seems to have a classic stalker personality in that you told him several times that you were uninterested in pursuing a relationship with him and yet he continued to contact you against your wishes and when you finally did agree to meet him, he felt it perfectly within his rights to go through your personal property. He found something he didn’t like and immediately became verbally explosive towards you. As stated earlier, he may not have laid a finger on you yet, but if you continue to allow this man access to you and your life, his personality is one that could very easily graduate from verbal assault to physical assault. Please be careful. I hope my answer helped. God Bless and Keep You
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 Ok well first off he had no right to go through your phone and its none of his business who you text or see as you are both over, it sounds like he is deluded and still believes you are his. You need to cut contact its for the best its the only way to get over him, him calling you these names has hit your self asteem he has put you down time and time again you dont need that, he is verbally bullying you and he is taking his anger out cause you finished with him. Cut contact tell him you dont want to talk to him again or for him to contact you tell him you need time to clear your head.
As for your friends they dont sound like they are good friends if they are going to say i told you so especially as you are hurting, they should be there for you and comfort you and help you get over this guy. Tell them that you really need a friend for support as you are going through a really tough time at the moment you may be surprised by there responce. Have you no members of your family that you could talk to over this? Family can really help at a time like this, just surround yourself with plenty of people who love you.
as for the other guys if you are not emotionally ready to get in to a relationship tell them this. You need to be single for a while until you get over your ex as you will only end up regretting anything you do. you need to be able to be happy on your own first so that is what you need to work towards now.
Go out with your friends and do things that you enjoy maybe take up a new hobby just keep yourself busy believe me things will only get better with time. When we love someone it does take a long time to get over them just be patient with yourself and allow your self to get upset if you need to let it all out and soon you will begin to feel better. if in a few months you still feel really low then maybe you should go and see your doctor or go to councelling for professional help.
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