A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Good afternoonI have recently divorced after 33 years of marriage (my ex wife's decision). Just over a year ago, during the time I was going through my divorce, I met a lady (let's call her Cathy) who I became good friends with. Cathy is a very needy, very emotional, dramatic, and a rather helpless person. I spent a lot of time helping her with her house, taking her out, supporting her emotionally and so on. Her helpless emotional nature made me feel needed after the end of my long marriage. We saw each other a couple of times a week, and she enjoyed being hugged and cuddled, but that was it. I asked her for a relationship, but she said no, she just wanted us to be friends, so I remained as her friend. 7 months into our friendship I met another lady (let's call her Sarah). Sarah is fun, easy going, emotionally stable, and very independent - the total opposite of Cathy. Right away, I told Cathy that I had met a lady and was seeing her as a friend - Cathy wasn't happy, but knew that as she didn't want a relationship with me, she had no right to ask me to stop. 5 months on, Sarah and I had fallen for each other and we started a wonderful happy relationship.I had known Cathy for a year at this point and we had continued to be friends while my friendship with Sarah was growing. (Sarah knows all about Cathy). I then told Cathy that I had started a relationship with Sarah and that I was very happy. Cathy was initially pleased for me. She then wrote me an email in which she was incredibly upset and asked to see me to talk, I agreed. Cathy then contacted me to say that she no longer wanted to see me. That was 4 months ago. Cathy has now emailed me again asking to see me - she has asked several times over the past couple of weeks. She has told me that she wants our friendship back as it was, and she told me that there are certain places that she cannot go to anymore without me. She misses me, and wants me back. I don't want to go back. Over the past 4 months I have realised that the friendship I had with Cathy was more than a friendship - it was an emotional relationship without the physical side. When I met her I was vulnerable and needed someone to need me and someone for me to care for - Cathy fitted the bill. But I see now that, as Cathy is such a needy person, I made her reliant on me. And it appears that Cathy wants our friendship to continue as it was. As I am now in a very happy relationship with Sarah, I know that I cannot ever go back into that friendship with Cathy - we were not just friends, we were more. So I have to explain this to Cathy - she will say that we were just friends, so what is the harm in us being as we were. I know that we were more than friends (so does Sarah), and I don't want to go back into what we had. My question is, how can I explain to Cathy that we cannot go back to what we were? I don't want to hurt her, but I have to be firm, for both her and Sarah.Thank you all for your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2016): I am the person who asked the question.
Thank you all for your very helpful responses. You have made me feel less guilty about ending my friendship with Cathy, and have clarified the reasons why I must end it. I agree with all your points - you have all said what I already knew in my gut, but didn't want to admit. Thank you all again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2016): I don't think Cathy will "get it" if you try to explain it to her. I mean like you say, clearly you two were more than friends. The fact that Cathy doesn't realize this or at least is acting like she doesn't realize this shows that she can't have an honest conversation with you. Because she's not being realistic. She's going to uphold the notion that you two are just "friends" while occupying emotional space in your heart that belongs to Sarah.
My advice to you is don't even bother explaining anything to her. Cause she's not being real. Just focus on Sarah.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2016): I think the other answers make a lot of sense. I would meet Cathy and discuss with her in person, as a courtesy to her since you are friends/have a history but then explain to her honestly that are with someone else with whom you have a healthy future & that out of respect for your new partner you cannot keep in touch with her in the same way as before but maybe a distance Happy New Year or some such every now and then type of contact. If she didn't want a relationship with you before it could have been because she knew you were just coming through a divorce and it wouldn't be healthy but as you have since established that she is quite needy and gone on to meet someone else, it sounds as though it's better all round if you focus your energies on the new lady. She won't appreciate it if you are always going back to help Cathy out with this that or the other drama or emergency - if it was a one off and something genuine for an old friend then so be it but in this case it sounds as though you'd be spending a lot of time helping her out and it could ruin your new relationship. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (14 February 2016):
 I think you've got the right idea as well. If you and Sarah have fallen for each other, then by all means your relationship with Cathy, even in a friendship capacity, must end in all forms. You can see her neediness clearly, and the fact that you asked her for a relationship means that staying friends with her is now inappropriate.
Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, and Sarah was the one who wanted to keep a close emotional friendship with a man who once was a prospective relationship, and who pursued her by being her "white knight" as you were with Cathy. It would be just as inappropriate.
You also knew that Cathy is emotionally needy, and therefore toxic. Even if Sarah were NOT in the picture, you know that a friendship with Cathy would not be healthy for either of you.
I echo the other aunts (Honeypie, Nora, WiseowlE)in saying that you need a distance from Cathy. I also recommend no contact in order for Cathy to find someone else and for you to keep strong your relationship with Sarah.
Never forget this - you say that Sarah knows about Cathy, but do you think for one second that you keeping Cathy in your life indefinitely with her neediness, her calls and texts, her requests for you to come over to her house to help, is going to be OKAY with Sarah?? Knowing about her doesn't mean she'll put up with her having unfettered access to you. You'd never let another man take up Sarah's time or hang out in Sarah's house helping her out.
Break away from Cathy for good.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 February 2016):
 I agree with WiseOwlE
Cathy will be JUST fine on her own, she did it before she met you and she will again. I would tell her that what you had can't work again and wasn't really good for either of you long term.
Cathy is a grown woman. One who "needs" drama, attention and to call the shots. So she isn't LOOKING for a friend, she wants what you two had back and that would not work for Sarah. She is hoping to "rope" you back in by creating drama. The whole "I can't go to these places without you"... seriously... that is more for dramatic effect than anything else.
So I would tell her thanks for the "friendship" but in order for her to regain her independence and you to have a healthy relationship you believe it's best to cut the contact 100%. Whether she LIKES that or not, is really not important.
After that? IF you mainly had contact through e-mail - set her e-mail to go to the spam/trash folder if you can't block her e-mail address and delete/block her phone number.
She will be OK. She may not like it, but she will get over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2016): You do not have to explain anything any further to Cathy. She is a grown-woman capable of figuring things out on her own. It isn't the point that she needs any explanation; her problem is accepting it. Time will take care of that.
You have now found yourself a working relationship that has the potential to grow. All the energy and effort that you put into it is reciprocated; as a good growing relationship should be. The co-dependent relationship you held with Cathy was not nurturing nor fulfilling. It was lopsided at best. You were diverted from attending to your own needs, while taking care of hers. In order to heal, you have to face your own issues and work to resolve them. That requires focus. You can't just ignore them while finding things to keep your mind busy. Unresolved issues will ride piggy-back into new relationships. They will resurface and cause problems. Cathy is a problem. As were those issues leftover from your broken marriage that lead you to her.
I hope you have worked those issues out.
With each post received, I always hope that readers pay strict attention to the details of an OP's story in order to relate, and see any similarities in their own. That's the way to benefit from the advice received. There are people who only get into relationships to lean and rely on the strength of their partners. They're nothing but a burden. They seldom love, they just need. That seems like Cathy.
I think at this point you should go no contact with Cathy to allow her to emotionally detach. Her propensity to be dependent will not allow her to have lasting or good relationships; because she uses people to lean on and offers nothing in return for it. People like that will suck the very life out of you, and it's best to get as far from them as you can. It's okay to be a support-system, and to show empathy and compassion for helpless people. At some point in our lives, we all need it. Not to be trapped by people who make no effort to use the help received as a building-block to return to normalcy and independence.
Always coming back for more. They're like putting change in a pocket with a big hole in it.
It's one thing to help someone when they're down on their luck, or have hit a low-point. That's what family and friends are for. Folks like Cathy only need people; because they are lazy and trifling individuals who go through life like everyone owes them something for being on the planet. They offer little to nothing, and expect a lot. They thrive on sympathy. Emotional sponges. They are never any use to anybody else. They cling like lint; and are an overflowing bucket of bad issues, insecurities, and problems. A total drag!
Good luck to you and Sarah! I think you owe it to Sarah to remove Cathy completely from your life. She's dead-weight, and only wants someone to prop her up. Let her learn some independence by struggling on her own; until she knows how to give something back in return for the goodness and generosity she receives from others. When someone has offered you help, you have a responsibility to pass it on; and to show your appreciation by exhibiting the fact that the help received was not a waste of time on the part of the giver. That is how we demonstrate maturity, decency, and good character.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (14 February 2016):
Its lovely to know that you are so happy finding that special person in Sarah and this relationship must be guarded at all times.You have to be firm.firm with Cathy for your sake and for Cathy and Sarah.Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind.In a firm, positive manner tell Cathy,things can never be the same again,that you have moved into a wonderful relationship and while you and Cathy can be friends it will be friendship at a DISTANCE.Would you consider just the odd contact with Cathy-allowing her also to find someone else.Best Luck for the future Regards NORA B.
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