A
male
age
30-35,
*alshie93
writes:A few weeks ago, I discovered routines and methods of being able to approach girls who would be rated say a 9 out of 10 so to speak and who reject any male that gives them attention.Anyway, I approached one girl etc and got through her usual barriers she has to men who try to chat her up and I am now in contact with her regularly, texting and chatting on the phone etc.But here is the problem and its one that as much as I hate, has got me.Her personality is exactly like mine. She's good looking and intelligent, she's witty and has a sharp sense of humour etc. Its as if she is a double of me in a female.However, she recently was telling me that an experience about two years ago with a boy who completely 'fucked' her over in a relationship turned her into a sort of person who doesn't care about things.She said people try to say to her that she pushes boys away but she just gets tired of speaking to them. In all, she's adamant that she doesn't fall for anyone and she won't fall for anyone, adamant she won't fall for me despite how well we get on, and she see's nothing wrong with it.But yet somehow because I've now found this, I don't want to give up after having sex with her or whatever, I seem to want more from it, like I don't want to forget about someone as identical as I am, so soon.What are your opinions on this, on a girl who has no emotional attachment to things and see's things more as 'no strings attatched'. Is there anyway through it?I'm not too sure of the direct cause but she did say that after she had been with her boyfriend of two years and he basically embarrassed her by leading her on for so long and getting her to travel hours on the train for him to tell her that he wasn't wanting to be with her anymore and he wasn't even in the country. She said to me after that she just didn't care about people in that way again, strange to think it really.Anyway, I'm back from a festival weekend with her and friends, and needless to say one thing led to another and we had sex, which was something I'd of wanted to avoid. I'm just concerned now that she will drop me now like other boys.She's told me how she got with so many boys in the past and they've all become obsessed or always started to like her too much etc. And she's always been the one to stop talking after that. She has boys asking her to come and stay with them or hang out all the time, and I don't really want to be one of them but I feel like I'm on my way to becoming one.What's your advice on what to do? I had it sorted in my head a few days ago that she was bad news despite being so good looking and having a great personality, within her was a big twisted flaw of emotional detachment. That sort of made me unattracted to her.Now I'm not so sure what way to look at it. I usually talk to more than one girl at once now anyway, it stops me being clingy or obsessive at any time, but I find myself comparing them to her, if that makes sense.I'm going off to university in a few weeks in September so I don't think its me wanting to pursue a relationship or anything like that but I still feel a challenge or something pulling me to continue speaking to her knowing full well what can potentially happen and she'll just drop me completely.Probably a tough question for you to answer Dave, but you've probably seen hundreds of similar cases like this. I've never experience a girl who can go through so many boys and just not be bothered at all. Its like she doesn't fall for anyone or doesn't worry about what the boys do. I think I want her to fall for me or to see me differently from all the other boys she's had, if that's logical?How do I handle a girl like this, who is apparently so carefree but has deep rooted problems that have effected her in the past and turned her into a cynic with views on liking boys etc? I can't admit to her that I like her although its clearly evident and I think she genuinely likes me but I can't ever tell if she's like this with all boys.One thing though is that her friends have said to her, I'm like the male version of her, she's said she loves talking to me and spending time with me etc and that I make her smile and laugh. Thing is, I don't want to lose the connection we have over me pursuing something I have no idea what I'm pursuing.Anyone who could give advice and shed some light on this from their own experiences, I'd be forever indebt to them. This is the first time I've ever encountered a girl like this, who's like a carbon copy of me.
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 In my experience it's pretty much impossible. Those feelings just don't go away. You may convince yourself they have, but that's simply not the case. It's a shame.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 August 2011):
 Accepting friendship, is not always better than nothing at all.
You can't bring yourself to be strictly friends with her because you like her MORE THAN JUST A FRIEND. Can you toss away your feelings for her that quickly? Sorry walshie, but I don't think you can write them off just like that.
For now allow yourself space and time from her. I'm talking several months...keep meeting more women, looking for options. Then when you're ACTUALLY over being with her, that's the time for you two to have a friendship.
In time, it's possible for you two to be friends, but not now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): To be honest i don't think you're capable of just being friends with this girl. I think the best thing to do would be to draw a line under it and move on. You're always going to want more, you'll sleep with her again and it will just become a vicious circle.
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A
male
reader, walshie93 +, writes (29 August 2011):
walshie93 is verified as being by the original poster of the question So how do you pursue a friendship with someone that you liked or like?Surely everyone experiences this problem at some point, male or female.Surely accepting a friendship over what you originally wanted is accepting second place?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 August 2011):
Sorry walshie, but I'm with tennisstar on this one. Things can only improve if she wants them to, and these statements prove she has zero interest in changing.
Be honest with yourself. If you don't want to be just friends, then it's best to move on. It's good that you confronted this before things went further. It sucks, but it's for the best that this got out in the open now before you got more attached.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (28 August 2011):
It's time to move on, walshie.
You're not going to be able to kick down her walls and change her. She doesn't want to change, she's fine being the emotionally damaged girl with low self esteem who puts on the front that she's this hard ass.
Let it go, she's just a waste of time. Not to mention, she's already admitted she won't be able to trust you. Can't fix what's broken here. You're not the guy for the job.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): Look, she DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. She has been honest and told you so i don't know why you keep hanging on hoping she'll change her mind. She can't give you what you want. I don't know why you can't just accept that and either just be her friend or move on.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 August 2011):
 Jeez, that was pretty deep.
Looks like nothing you can do will change her mind, its up to you from here, either move on or remain friends. You should definitely stop having sex with her because that f**ks everything up and makes it a whole lot worse.
Don't get in any deeper than you already are because you will regret it no end.
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A
male
reader, walshie93 +, writes (28 August 2011):
walshie93 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSurely me being friends with her is just doing a massive U-turn from what I initially set out for?
This is from her and I think it will show she's pretty in touch with the situation. I feel like I'm just going around in circles though!
"I'm not being narrow minded in the slightest, I'm being sensible. I've done alright for myself over the last year, better than I have before. But I don't expect you to understand, because even I don't understand myself sometimes. I don't consciously make decisions like you're asking me to anyway, if I change how I am its not thought through, just like I didn't suddenly wake up one day and decide to be a sarcastic, cynical little fuck but it happened didn't it. I'm being sensible when I say you're moving away, so what's the point in changing how I am for that time. Why do you think I don't get attached to anyone, it just makes life simpler, and I'm convinced you agreed with my logic at some point, hence why I thought we had all of that in common. At one point I remember you saying you were seeing 3 other girls too! You can't just change your story every minute, because that just makes you as difficult to read as me. You're basically asking me to put all of my trust into just you, having just admitted that you can be manipulative? Somehow I don't think it quite works that way. I'm different, but different isn't better, trust me. You just want me right now because I'm more of a challenge than everyone's used to, I've seen it all before. People want what they don't think they can have, and you can't say you're any different because everyone's the same, me included. I don't see any reason for us to stop talking or meeting up or whatever but in the same way I don't see any reason for anything to change.
I'm not talking about sex, the sex is irrelevant and it's possible to have it without it meaning anything. That's not a challenge having sex, I'm talking about me. You're not the first person who's wanted me to change and you probably won't be the last, at the end of the day it'll get boring. So you're basically giving me an ultimatum? I don't want to lose you entirely, because you're right. In a way, we are alike, and I've always said I find you sort of refreshing but if you're after a relationship then I'm sorry, but that's not something I can give you right now but I can't predict the future, but I can control the present so it's not too much of a disappointment, there is some logic in there. For me anyway. I've got a safety net right now, with the way I am. Its hard to explain but it's just sort of what works for me (and believe me, I've tried everything) but anyway regardless of what I say or do, you'd still doubt me because everyone does. You can't say that if I turned around and told you I'd sacked everyone else off for you, you'd believe me. I care about you enough to not want you to get yourself involved with someone like me. Whether I'm involved with 3, 5, 10 or no other boys, I'm still the same person and that's not going to change. But you will do what you have to do I guess. I really don't think me and other guys is the issue. Cliche and revolting as it sounds but it really isn't you, it's me. I think I've told you too much about me and how I am already. And say what you like but no one in their right mind would take me seriously or trust anything I do or say after all of that."
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A
male
reader, walshie93 +, writes (28 August 2011):
walshie93 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer and I spoke last night about this after I took everyones advice on here, it didn't finish on any note, its still going on and will most probably continue today until its resolved with me walking or her siding with me.
I've told her I want it to be me and her, with nobody else not for me or her, basically made it clear I'm not under valuing myself (which I already have) by seeing her and then her seeing many more other lads.
Anyway, her responses are as follows, I'm not putting mine in as well because then it would be far too long!
"What do you want me to do, it's not like I've ever pretended to be something I'm not, or led you on or anything like that. At the end of the day, you're getting wound up about me doing what I have no doubt you've done yourself. Infact, you've just blatantly admitted it anyway. So don't be so hypocritical. And don't tell me what I do, and don't do. Because you have no idea."
"Well at the end of the day, people have used me as much as I've used them. It takes two. You can hardly get angry about the fact that I make an effort to talk to you? And besides you have quite clearly seen other girls or had sex with other girls or whatever, but it's not like I'm getting all bothered about that because what's the point. I'm still speaking to you because I enjoy doing so, and it really is as simple as that. And you say that, but if it were true then we probably wouldn't be having this conversation."
"Well first of all that's not what you were saying the other week! Quite sure you told me you randomly banged a couple girls but regardless, that's not the point. I haven't used you at all, why do you think I was apprehensive about even kissing you at first. Because I didn't want you to see it that way did I. Because I'm not actually a total dickhead. If I didn't enjoy talking to you so much then you wouldn't be the first I spoke to in the morning and the last at night. With very little pause for breath inbetween. Its not even debatable. But equally why does it matter who I may or may not be talking to outside of you and me."
In response to me straight up asking her if she liked me she said.
"Why can't you see that I've trusted you in ways, with a lot of things already. I'm sorry for making you feel that way. And I don't know."
So I said she clearly doesn't then, and she retorted;
"Yeah of course that means I don't like you, not one bit, not at all.. I just don't understand why any decision has to be made.."
And that's everything so far, hopefully this gives you an idea what she's like and hopefully give me some more advice on what to be saying.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 August 2011):
I'm kind of on board with the walkin' dude on this at the moment. This new info sheds a new light on your situation.
You have a couple of choices. You can continue like you are now, you can confess that you're developing feelings for her, or you can play some sort of manipulation game. I'm sure she's happy with the current arrangement, and if you don't make waves, she'd probably be content to let it continue. Confessing feelings will end this little trist most surely, and manipulation just isn't the way to go if you ask me. It will only deepen her mistrust of men in the long run and cause more problems than good.
I think this is one you let go, or just be friends with. Having a relationship in any conventional sense with her is going to be practically impossible. For someone who's emotionally closed off, in order to have a real relationship they need to have the desire to change their detachment and break through their walls. Sometimes the walls are simply too thick.
On the bright side, she could be a real good friend. You just need to be honest with your lack of desire to be part of her harem, but that you enjoy her company, and hope you can be friends without the sex. Sex just complicates things anyway, and this is not a relationship that is likely to go anywhere unfortunately.
Honestly, it might not be a bad idea to get checked for STD's. If she's sleeping with 4 different guys at once, that's not usually a good sign. Better safe than sorry!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): You're having sex with her yet you're too scared to tell her how you feel? Grow a pair and just tell her.
I think you're afraid of what she'll say if you tell her. To be honest, i really don't see the point in continuing doing what you're doing if she's as emotionally damaged as you say she is.
Also, sorry to burst your bubble but i don't think you're special to her or different than the other guys. You're just someone she screws occasionally. If she liked you that much she wouldn't be screwing 3 other guys. You sound a little deluded.
I'd get yourself tested for STDs if i were you.
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A
male
reader, walshie93 +, writes (27 August 2011):
walshie93 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts not the challenge, I know that for a fact.I've always been looking for someone who is like me, someone who has the same quirks and traits, who likes the same things, has the same pet hates and loves the same music etc. She's just as quirky as me, just as quick a thinker.Its the disappointment I feel now that is getting me down and forced me into asking for advice. I asked her this evening, how many other boys is she speaking to as well as me.She replied eight. Plus me, that's nine.I was on the phone so I had to keep cool about it and I laughed it off and then asked her how many she's meeting up with and having sex with or whatever.She said three. Plus me, that's four.Its like, how I feel and how she must feel are completely opposite. I don't want to be treated like another lad to her. I know I'm different to all the others, that much is true. Like I said, her and her friends have already said I'm like a male counterpart of her.Now I really feel like just giving it up, I mean, I want to be with her, not as a challenge but because we get on so well and its what I've been looking for, what I want in a girl but not like this and now I'm worried about if I let this go, will I find someone exactly the same as me again?Or am I just thinking she is the same as me because its what we do when we want someone.I'm speaking to her currently and I'm speaking as if I want an outcome, be it me and her stop speaking or something happensHope that sheds some more light on it.
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A
female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (27 August 2011):
 I agree with the others: you are attracted to the challenge. This is not to say that the girl isn't awesome in her own right. However, as a general rule, the basis of stuff like PUA is the psychology where people tend to get obsessed with folks who act aloof or are a challenge to get emotionally or sexually.
My advice: take a deep breath and a step back. The sun, moon, and stars do not revolve around this girl. Oh, and SEE OTHER WOMEN. Immediately.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 August 2011):
Well, I'm glad to see that you've moved on from that one girl and you keep your clingy ways in check. Good for you!
This chic however, has already turned into a man eater. She's so emotionally damaged and burned from guys that she has sworn off guys for the rest of life. Let alone marriage.
Just curious, how old is she? 18-20 seems a bit too young to turn into a man hater already.
What happened after the sex? Did you call her? Was it awkward?
The thing about this damaged goods is it's going to take time and one sweet guy to change her view. Biggest challenge you face is breaking down those thick brick walls. But keep in mind you may or may not be that guy.
In guy world, guys usually steer clear of an emotionally damaged girl. It's too much to handle.
I say be honest and tell her you dig her...save her the spiel of you won't hurt like the other guys talk. You don't know that for certain and she's heard it too many times before. Just try not to hurt her. Go out on a limb and see if she follows taking a risk with you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 August 2011):
Been there done that mate - had the exact same situation as yourself. A girl that was perfect for me in everyway, we spoke for hours on end, met up most days in a week and pretty soon after started to become intimate.She told me at the start that she didn't want a bf and told me things like she hated the word love and that it means nothing. I stupidly fell for her and thought that I might be able to change her mind.Fast forward 2 months, we barely speak anymore after I admitted my feelings for her and things have become quite awkward between us despite trying to maintain a friendship.Sounds to me like she's not going to change, this ex bf sounds like he's truly messed her up inside and she doesn't want to go through those feelings again, so like you've mentioned she doesn't become attached to people.I think its quite obvious mate, you either risk it all and tell her or you leave her well alone before you get yourself in too deep because I can personally vouch that an unrequited crush is the worst feeling in the world, it took me a long time to get over it after A LOT of moping. I wouldn't like to go through it again because its simply not worth it.The choice is yours mate, you either tell her your feelings or you cut your losses and move onto the next girl no matter how painful it is!Hope this helps...
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A
male
reader, walshie93 +, writes (27 August 2011):
walshie93 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo you mean I'm hooked on the idea that I'll be the exception to her rule, that somehow I think she'll turn round and admit to liking me and won't discard me like any other male?
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (27 August 2011):
 It's the challenge of changing her that is the attraction here. And it's been the attraction for all the others too. I wouldn't invest your heart in this girl if I were you.
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