A
female
age
51-59,
*tuck in love
writes:I am married ( for almost 11 years) to a man who I thought was my soulmate, but after about 3 years into our marriage he changed. He became lazy and as if he didn't care about me at all. He almost never initiates sex anymore, and we are only intimate about once a month. About 3 years ago, my ex-boyfriend from high school contacted me and we sent each other emails for over a year. I went to see him and the sparks flew and we ended up having sex. At first we both tried to stop seeing each other, but now it is 2 years later and we are madly in love. But he is married also and is afraid of leaving his wife for fear of losing his kids. My question is this, how can I convince him that we both need to get divorced and be together as one big family, and that he has just as much rights to his kids as she does? Or am I fooling myself into believing that he and I will ever be together?
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divorce, my ex, soulmate, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, stuck in love +, writes (2 May 2008):
stuck in love is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think he would lose his kids in the divorce, because he is the sole caregiver to them and as far as this affair, we have always been very discreet. He has told me he doesn't love her anymore, but his fear is that as soon as he asks for a divorce she will run off with them and he will never see them again. I think it has more to do with her mental state than with what the courts would do. But all of your responses have been very insightful. Thank you!
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Why don't you combine my post and Ask_Oldersister's?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (2 May 2008):
I guess we should analyze this situation in parts.
On your side of it, it seems very clear that you fell for this high school boyfriend because your marriage wasn't functioning, and apparently nothing would make it function.
We don't know about his side. I assume he had some problems with his own wife, too. So he fell for you the same way you did for him.
However, he is concerned about his children. This is a very valid and important concern. I would hate to hurt you, but, if I had to choose between the love of my life and my children, I would choose my children. Not only because it's the responsible thing to do, but because, as you know, children are a special part of you.
Unfortunately, men may have the same right to their children as women, but they don't have the same relationship and their position is weaker. If you went to court for a divorce, who is more likely to be given custody of children? What do you think that the courts would rule if the lawyer found out he has been seeing you? And they will. How will his children see him if he leaves "them" for another woman?
I can't know if you will ever be together. There are ways to manage all this. I do think that putting pressure on him probably won't work. It seems to me that you're becoming upset, and that's only natural. And I'm very much aware that you would have problems, yourself, too.
I would maintain the relationship and ask the same question later in the future. If you find out that you will never ever be together as a family, then you can make your decision.
Take care.
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