A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having problems with my husband. He makes very little effort at all. His whole life revolves around going to work, coming home and being with our kids, working on his car, the yard and renovating the house and in the evening its a toss up between ebay and tv, then he's into bed and asleep. I feel invisible.Occasionally he'll take me out for a coffee, but then all he does is talk about his work and colleagues. He's openly admitted to me in the past how he has told his work colleagues private information about me, he says it like theres nothing wrong with it. He's even told them the most intimate details of our sex life. I've been dumbfounded. If I've done something special in the bedroom for him, he'll go to work the next day and tell his work mates, it's like he's bragging. And then tells me afterward.....what the?? It's like he needs to be open about everything, which is admirable. But being open and honest doesn't forgive indiscretions. Intimacy is sacred I think, and should be between a man and a woman, not half a work shop.The reality is sex to him is siding up beside me in bed once a week and giving me a very very quick back rub before its wham bam thankyou maam, little to no foreplay unless it involves me treating him. He never gives me oral sex, even though I give him BJ's whenever he wants them. Sex is incredibly one sided. I can go months in between orgasms, and he never seems to care.Theres no romance. He never lights a candle for me. He never organises date nights for us, in the past has paid little to no attention to special times such as valentines day, birthdays, christmas. I never get cards anymore. In fact last year I gave birth to our son a few days before my own birthday, I didn't receive any flowers or even a card after I'd given birth, and he neglected to do anything for my birthday, just a kiss on the cheek. Nothing! I have never neglected his special days. I always have made efforts to show him I love and how much he means to me. Which he enjoys. I don't understand how he could not bother to do the same for me.He rarely if ever compliments my looks or tells me that I look good. I diet, workout and try to look after myself, I wax and look after my hair and skin, but he never really notices. Although the other day while I reached over to grab the kettle, he looked at my arms and told me I better get back to weight training, they were loosing form. When I was pregnant and feeling my lowest, he started to look at porn on the internet. A sure fire way to make a woman feel undesirable.He has never bought me any jewellery worth more than a few of hundred dollars, and thats including my engagement ring. While he has spent more than $10,000 during our relationship on a sports car that never gets driven. On the rare occasion I point out something nice in a jewellery store window, he says its to expensive. Doesn't have a problem saving for months for something for his car, but something for me...no way! Obviously he doesn't believe I'm worth anything of any great value.He is a good man and loyal, but has absolutely no idea how to be romantic as a married man. It's like he exhausted his romantic self during the first few months of our relationship, trying to sell himself to me. He simply doesn't realise that I need some romance and to be treated special sometimes. He thinks working on the house, being loyal and dedicated to his family is his way of showing he loves me. Which it is, but sometimes women need a little more.A few months ago I had a heart to heart and told him how I was feeling. He made an effort for our wedding aniversary, but then life has gone back to normal and nothing has really changed.I feel like I'm in love debt, like I have given him so much, and he just doesn't give anything to me. I feel invisible in this relationship. I feel resentful, and have stopped giving to him. I don't really talk to him now, and avoid having sex with him.I know this is not healthy. How do I build a happy marriage, when its so onesided.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, rebgirl  +, writes (24 August 2011):
I was astonishedto read the question. I thought somehow I had gotten up in my sleep and put my feelings and frustrations in writing. Except for a couple of minor details, my 29 year marriage mirrors this lady. What an enlightening and enpowering priviledge to read the question and especially the answers! I sincerely thank you ladies.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): I feel who you have a normal and common guy as husband. Most of the men around the world like that. ( just like most of te women will have some attributes common ). I feel you are over reacting to the problems. phases in marriage come and go. you will spoil so many lives if you take drastic steps.
If women are choosers and decide to pick, and throw the husbands in most of the divorces, it is the time, we look at most of women biased laws and mind set in the society. Probably Men need protections.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Hey,
I get the deal breaker statement, its do or die really isn't it.
The fact is, this is my 2nd marriage. So I kinda know I can walk away and survive. But on the same point, I also know I need to make sure I have given it my all, and not just making it a habit of when the romance runs dry, I walk away.
I was reading the 5 Languages of Love tonight, and it rang true. I think he shows love differently to the way I do. He truly believes that his service to home and family is showing his love. On the other hand, I am more into romantic gestures of gifts, and time spent devoted to me and my needs.
But beyond that, I know I can't live for the rest of my life in a marriage that doesn't satisfy my sexual needs, with a selfish lover, that I do know.
At the moment I am in love debt, I feel like I have given so much of myself, and received very little in return. This weekend his Mum is visiting, and I even feel resentful having to cook and cater to her. Like its another thing I am expected to do for him.
I know if I can't make him want to at least try and work on our marriage together, there is no marriage.Guess its all about communicating the need to address these issues.
Once again, thanks for the feedback. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): you keep saying that "he's just not romantic" but actually it goes deeper than that. Not only is he not romantic, he's downright selfish and inconsiderate. I say just call a spade a spade...
yes it's good to write him a letter and let him know these are deal breakers.
but if you say something is a deal breaker, you have to put your money where your mouth is. If he still doesn't change you have to uphold what you said and actually leave him. empty threats accomplish nothing and only serve to lower the other person's respect for you even more. (and you will feel terrible about yourself and lose respect for yourself too if he still doesn't change and you find yourself unable to follow through on what you said you would do)
so before you write the letter and state clearly what the deal breakers are, make sure you REALLY are ready to follow through and leave him if he doesn't change. don't think that just because you say it's a deal breaker that this means surely now he will change. he may, or not. he may think you're not serious since, well, you're still here now despite how much in the past you've talked about how unhappy you are, right? so you have to be ready to follow through if he doesnt' change. if you're not mentally ready, then you're not ready to pull out the "this is a deal breaker" card yet. good luck!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): Thankyou all for your in depth responses. I really appreciate all the time and effort you all taken to give me your take on my circumstances.
Another night alone, he's gone to bed, another night alone with my thoughts.
I don't think he feels he is doing anything wrong. I think he is just going through the motions of life. And he is just not a very romantic kind of man. Unfortunately for me, I fell for those first glorious months in the relationship, and saw him as very different to who he really is.
I have realised through reading online and some deep thinking, that I have certain needs, I need special romantic, loving gestures. I need a man who gives as well as receives. I love the day to day, I love our family, but I need to feel sexy and adored.
I think I am going to write him a letter, and tell him how I am feeling in black and white. And also I probably think counselling is our best next step.
I have to outline my needs, and expectations. And let him no, these are deal breakers. As much as I love him, I can't live the rest of my life without receiving, while he expects me to give. It has to be give and take.
I think he is unaware of how selfish he really is.
Once again, thankyou all.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (23 June 2011):
OP, the fact that the first few months of your courtship he was romantic and thoughtful, means that he does very well know how to be that way. He knew how to do it then, so it doesn't mean that now he's just "not wired" for it. He was wired for it in the early months of your courtship so I don't think you should make excuses for him in the sense of saying he just isn't wired for that. Rather, it seems that he just has completely lost interest in you or the relationship and finds it a drag.
Maybe your husband has depression - depression can rob people of their energy and desire and motivation and as a result be a huge burden on marriages.
Have you suggested that you both go to marriage counseling?
I don't think you should keep quiet and withdraw and simmer about this, it will just get worse. This isn't going to solve anything. Your husband has noticed, and still hasn't done anything. (and I think that just infuriates you more doesn't it)
I think you could next ask your husband to go with you to counseling. If he refuses, then I think you should turn your focus away from him and focus on yourself. Ask yourself what your options are *if your husband never changes*. What can you do for yourself, to improve your life and your emotional well-being, if your husband never changes? Some examples might be: lowering your expectations even more for your marriage, getting individual counseling for yourself to learn how to deal with your feelings of hurt and deprivation and frustration, leaving your marriage...etc. But be aware that not all options may be healthy ones. For example, lowering your expectations may or may not be do-able, realistically, and could make you feel even worse. But if your husband isn't going to change anytime soon or ever, it might help you to turn your attention away from what he is or isn't doing, and focus on what you can do to improve your situation, that doesn't depend on him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): if you had to be reminded and cajoled or forced every day to show up to your job, and you had to be told how to do every detail of your job, and furthermore if you also had to be reminded and have everything spelled out for you every single day, day after day, week after week, year after year, because the minute you are no longer reminded for the billionth time you will stop doing anything.....don't you think that your co-workers and bosses would come to believe this is proof that you actually don't want to be in this job?? .....doesn't this show that it's not that you don't know how to do your job (unless you have a learning disability that makes you unable to retain information from one day to the next) but rather it's just plain refusal to do it? .....And if you're refusing to do your job, are your bosses and co-workers obligated to keep you around let alone continue giving you benefits like bonuses and vacation time? of course not.
yet for your husband to be just like this but in the marriage, yet you continue to let him stay in his "job" of being your husband, giving him benefits that he's not giving you, treating him as if he was an equal partner and team mate, is this fair to you? of course it isn't. it indicates that this man shouldn't be your husband because he clearly doesn't want to be.
Unless he has a learning disability that makes him unable to retain information, he already knows what you want him to do, he's just not wanting to do it. The fact that he very briefly improved shows that he does have the mental capacity to do these things, he's just actively deciding that you're not worth his effort. A husband should find joy in pleasing his wife. Your husband finds it a chore. That means he doesn't want to be your husband. Yet he's happy to take what you want to give to him. In other words, he's happy to take advantage of you.
this is not a real marriage. Your relationship is completely one-sided (well, duh), because that's what your "husband" wants.
I don't know why but he clearly has no joy in this marriage. maybe he's cheating on you so his mind is elsewhere, or maybe he doesn't actually want to be married to you.
you don't owe him continued marital loyalty (trying to convince yourself he's a good husband just learning-impaired, which he isn't) just because he hasn't hit you or cheated on you and helps with the kids. You haven't hit him or cheated on him either, and you're also dedicated to the kids too, so you're both already even on that count.
at this point I don't see there's anything you can do but leave him unless you want to grow deeper into your current state of deprivation and resentment and really hit rock bottom as far as your self esteem. He's already shown you where he stands. You can't change other people. You can't change him. But you don't have to accept him the way he is, you can leave him. he's not dumb, he's just not interested in this marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): OP here.
I have spoken to him about certain issues.
A few months ago I was feeling very depressed about things. I told him how bad I was feeling in the marriage. I mentioned how one sided our sex life was, and how frustrated I am. How much it hurts me that everyone else in our home has a fuss made about them on their special days. Also that he makes no effort to see that I am satisfied in the bedroom, once he's come, then thats it. I told him I never orgasm, and that sex revolves around his penis, that he's forgotten theres another sex organ in the bed that might like some fun to.
He did make an effort for our anniversary. It was lovely. In bed, he started using his hands to satisfy me, but still rarely, maybe every few weeks. He still won't do oral, only for like a few seconds, which is so frustrating. Just as it feels good he stops, like the objective of foreplay is to get me in the mood, not fully satisfied.
Life has gone back to normal otherwise. It's like he never heard me.
It feels like I have to tell him step by step, day by day, moment by moment, what my needs are. He's not wired to to see them on his own, which is why I am feeling so invisible.
I get resentful, because I feel tuned into his needs. I suppose I expect him to be tuned into mine. I feel so hurt that he has never really made any effort on his own accord.
I guess its all about giving and receiving, and working on finding a balance. But it feels very onesided. I've just backed right off now, I avoid having sex with him, and just get on with the daily busy of kids and home. He is noticing. He offered me a "no strings attached back massage" on Saturday night, but never delivered it. But I guess he offered it.
At the end of the day, he doesn't hit me, he doesn't cheat. He helps with the kids and the house. Seems silly in some ways to be so unhappy. But I am, I guess I wanted more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): Have you tried talking to him about any of this? If not, how can you expect him to know how you truly feel?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 You may want to consider an exit strategy. If a man is that derilict in his his narraige, he may not feel he's married in the classic sense. He probsbly thinks his finacial support is the extent of his "duties" as a husband. If that's the case you may need a different life.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (22 June 2011):
unfortunately the answer to your question is, you can't. any relationship and marriage takes two people so one person cannot build a happy marriage (except by lowering your standards to where you can be happy with whatever little you have).
I think you give your husband way too much credit. on the one hand you say "He is a good man and loyal, but has absolutely no idea how to be romantic as a married man."
but everything else you have described shows that he's selfish and inconsiderate. This goes way beyond being merely unromantic. He's actually treating you with contempt and disrespect. These are serious problems that destroy marriages.
He may be a good father, and a peaceful roommate, but he's not spouse-material or even a friend. He may be loyal in the sense of not having cheated on you, but does loyal include telling his co-workers all your personal intimate details without your consent? That doesn't sound very loyal to me at all....that actually sounds DISloyal... or does loyal include giving you a quick back rub then using you for his sexual gratification and not caring about whether you're getting any pleasure in return? Sounds like he just sees you as a sex object to be used when he feels like getting his needs met. Does loyal include commenting only when you've gained weight not when you look good? I wouldn't consider that being loyal. that sounds more like being exploitive and self-serving.
You wrote: "He thinks working on the house, being loyal and dedicated to his family is his way of showing he loves me. "
That's an excuse for him to continue to feel entitled. Look, being hardworking and dedicated to his kids are good things, for sure. But that doesn't make him a good husband.
Being hardworking and dedicated to one's kids are unrelated to one's marital commitments. He would have to work on the house with or without you, even if he was single and living alone. He would have to work and earn money with or without you. (and he is spending more money on himself than on you anyway, so..?) He may be a good dad, but he's not a good spouse. Those are two completely different roles.
You are right in that you are pretty much a non-entity to your husband. You've done all you could - you've modeled the kind of behavior that you would want from him. you've been meeting all his needs first. And still he's happy to take everything you've got to give, and not give anything in return. He's not merely innocently ignorant of how to be romantic (I wouldn't even call it being romantic I'd call it being non-selfish, having more respect for you, and having less contempt for you), since you have told him plainly how you feel and what you want. And, he temporarily made some effort, showing that he understood what you said. So, ignorance is not the reason for his behavior, he plain just doesn't want to expend his effort or time.
but the more you continue to give and give, despite him not doing anything in return, then the more he's being rewarded for not doing anything so it's unlikely that he'll change. why should he change, if he's getting everything he wants regardless.
I think you should stop giving and giving, it's not fair to you especially since you're now feeling resentful that the giving wouldn't be sincere anyway (and no one can blame you for that). A one-sided relationship really isn't a relationship, it's merely an 'arrangement'. Maybe when he realizes he's no longer receiving anything from you any more, then will he be motivated to do something. If this happens, his efforts may not be born of sincere kindness but out of a self-serving agenda, but you could try that nonetheless. Otherwise I would seriously consider divorce because he's treating you with disrespect and contempt.
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