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How can I bring up sex without making her feel like all I'm thinking about is sex?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 May 2008) 4 Answers - (Newest, 29 May 2008)
A male Canada age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I have been dating this girl for about 3 months now and we have not gone much further than making out. I really like her and want to become more intimate with her. She seems to be a pretty shy person and i dont wanna make her feel uncomfortable. We still have not talked about sex and i dont know how to bring up the topic without making her feel uncomfortable. What are some good ways of talking about sex while at the same time not making her think that all i want is sex.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008):

thanks for the insight people, your advice is really valuable and helpful

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (28 May 2008):

DoubleM agony auntAdvisor "Tremor" gives good advice, but a simpler interpretation might be in order. From an older man's point of view, my advice is NOT to talk about sex much at all, unless your girlfriend brings up the topic. You may be surprised that your girl will raise the topic more readily than you think if you simply kiss her passionately and keep your "cool" about it. Trust me that sometimes it is more effective to simply be "real cool" yet very affectionate and let the girl lead the way - all you need to do is go along willingly.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008):

well, the last thing you wanna do is make her feel uncomfortable about sex! especially since these are very trying years in human sexuality. I would tell her that you like her a lot and tell her that you are ready for a more intimate step when she is.... tell her the ball is in her court and you don't want to pressure her into it. then drop it. if you constantly bring it up she will feel pressured. keep it short and simple. or you can approach it like, I can't wait till we're ready for more intimacy. I like you so much and I like thinking about when we can share that with each other. It may seem corny but I think it will be low risk for both of you. She may never be ready so you have to make sure you really like her and respect her enough to accept any decision she makes. Good luck

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A female reader, Tremor Australia +, writes (28 May 2008):

Tremor agony auntFirst of all, realize that there is no rush to get into sex. Wait until the both of you are good and ready.

If you want to be more intimate with her, there are other things you can do besides sex - so long as the both of you are willing.

It's a tough subject to bring up, but good on you for having the guts to talk it out with her, rather than just pushing your luck.

Your best option would be to bring it up when you are alone, somewhere where you are both comfortable - cuddling in your room, going on a walk... Whatever works for you.

Make sure she knows you like her, that you care for her, and that you respect her (You do, right? You'd better). MAKE SURE you DO NOT put pressure on her to have sex with you, and make sure she understand that you AREN'T asking for sex - because that is not what this little talk is for.

This is an opportunity for you to talk openly with her. Tell her you'd like to be more intimate, but don't know what she wants. Talk about what she feels ready for, and what level of intimacy she is comfortable with, so you know how she would like to be treated.

Remember that no matter what her answer, you should respect her decision. Don't push the issue - let her move at her own pace.

If you really care for her, it's worth waiting.

Good luck!

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