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Our relationship is falling apart ever since I lost the baby

Tagged as: Pregnancy, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 16-17, anonymous writes:

Hello all, I am looking for some non judgemental relationship advice. I am 16 my boyfriends 17. We've been together 9 months. 3 months ago I found out I was pregnant. It was a total accident I was actually on birth control at the time (before anyone comments about us being irresponsible) I knew within a week. My body changed, I had all the symptoms. My boyfriend convinced me it wasn't possible because I was on the pill so I took a test and it was positive. We were scared. Really really scared but we wanted it. We wanted our baby. We both had finished school and had full time jobs (apprenticeships but it's the same thing). 4 weeks later I lost it. I bled and I hurt everywhere so I took another test and it was negative, we were both gutted. We literally sat and cried for hours. But then I got mad I blamed him because I wanted to hate someone else. I hated myself so much because I lost it, my body lost my baby. And I know you will all day i was too young for a baby. I understand, I agree but I wanted nothing more than my baby on my arms. I knew how much work it'd be, I have a 2 year old sister who I look after. Anyway this pulled me and my boyfriend apart. Instead if being closer we blamed eachother and I pushed him away. The past 2 months we've been so on/off its unreal. I love him to pieces but I don't know how to make this work. Thank you in advance and please don't say that me loosing my baby was a good thing

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (31 July 2016):

chigirl agony auntThis is unfortunately a very common reaction when losing a child. Regardless of age. Full grown adults, even elderly people, do the same. They are so sad and filled with pain, they alienate each other. This is why, when people lose a child, many get divorced. They go through the same as you go through, and react the same way.

I don't really have much advise to give you, other than tell you this, that you are not alone in reacting this way and feeling the way you do. And that no matter how old you are, this is a normal reaction and that your pain and the troubles of the relationship you now experience is no different from the ones adults experience. You are not, unwillingly, part of the community of people who have lost a child. I can only advice you to seek comfort in others who have gone through the same, and talk about it. Talk, talk, talk about this with your friends, with your family, with your teacher, tell people about it. Don't carry it alone like a secret. Talking helps.

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A female reader, deirdre Ireland +, writes (28 July 2016):

No one is going to say losing the baby was a good thing. You should try contacting Brook or the British Pregnancy Advisory Service, they offer counselling for young people and this would benefit you. You need to talk about your feelings with someone impartial, because this surely has been a huge and stressful event in your life. You are probably both hurting but without communication nothing is going to be resolved. Did your family know about the pregnancy? Did you get treatment for the miscarriage? They usually need to check to make sure the womb is ok. Please get some counselling to helo you process what has happened.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (28 July 2016):

Tisha-1 agony auntJust to add the email address was blocked by the site but can be easily read on the page if you follow the link I provided.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (28 July 2016):

Tisha-1 agony auntThis sounds like a very hard and sad time for you and your boyfriend. Miscarriages are very common but that doesn’t make them easy to cope with. Have your friends and family been supportive of you? If this has been a big secret that you and your boyfriend have kept, that might be a huge part of what is pushing you apart and causing problems.

I third the idea that you should see your doctor to make sure all is well physically with you, and then you can explore the emotional support you seem to need after the miscarriage.

I found this very useful link for you: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Miscarriage/Pages/Introduction.aspx

and this one http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Miscarriage/Pages/Complications.aspx

On that page there are these helpful websites and helplines:

"Your GP can provide you with support and advice. The following organisations can also help:

The Miscarriage Association http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk is a charity that offers support to people who have lost a baby. They have a helpline (01924 200 799, Monday to Friday, 9am to 4pm) and an email address ([email address blocked]), and can put you in touch with a support volunteer.

Cruse Bereavement Care http://www.cruse.org.uk helps people understand their grief and cope with their loss. They have a helpline (0844 477 9400, Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm) and a network of local branches where you can find support.”

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Miscarriages can cause problems in relationships as well, he may be feeling guilt, relief, fear, and grief, all together and it could be quite overwhelming. You are feeling what you’re feeling, which is probably a complex mix of emotions as well.

I think you just need some time to process the experience, ask for help from family and friends and most important is to talk to your doctor about the miscarriage and make sure you are physically recovered. Best wishes to you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI DO think you are too young to have a child, but... I also think you how incredible perseverance and maturity you showed when you found out you were pregnant and you didn't just choose to "ignore" the fact.

No, you faced it head on, and GREW with it.

I will second Anonymous 123's advice that you go see your doctor and maybe even through your doctor find a counselor so you can DEAL with the loss. I know it's not going to make you feel better, but miscarriages are very common - some studies say up to 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. And 80% of the miscarriages happen in the first 3 months. I can BE that because you WERE on birth control that something didn't form or develop in a way where the fetus could survive. It happens. And it STILL sucks! It's still a loss. But the reason I mention this is THIS is WHY you need to go have a check up by your doctor/GYN.

As for your BF, well I think guilt pay a huge factor here. He might feel responsible for not only getting you pregnant but putting you through all this. And it can also be that he has come to the realization that having a child is not something he can handle at present date.

And IF he can't handle this... do you think he could have handled a child long term? A child is for life. Not just a few years or 18.. LIFE.

I think one day in the future you will make a GREAT mother, for now though - I'd say GO see your doctor and for now, FOCUS on dealing with the grief and build a life YOU can be happy with and proud off.

I won't tell you it was a good thing. Each person is different. But it happened for a reason. Most likely a biological one, one far beyond your control.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (28 July 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntSweetie no one's going to say that losing your baby was a good thing; there can be nothing possibly more painful than losing your own child. However, the truth if that you really are far too young to be having a baby and while there's no doubt you would have made a wonderful mother, there IS such a thing as being too young, especially to get through the problems that you're facing.

It takes tremendous strength to get through a miscarriage. You tend to blame yourself and in moments of utter helplessness, you blame your partner because you just don't know what else to do. This is where emotional maturity comes in. Both of you or at least one of you needs to be able to sustain the relationship and give strength to the other. At your age, that's very very unlikely. 16 year olds are just not equipped to deal with something this big.

Added to that, you don't even have proper jobs yet to be able to bring up a baby and no, an apprenticeship is not the same thing.

One more thing, have you even been to the doctor to get yourself checked after the miscarriage or did you just assume that you had it and it's all over now? You have to make sure that the foetus is completely out of your body and if you haven't been to the doctor yet, march in immediately.

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