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How can I be myself around others, without putting myself in danger?

Tagged as: Dating, Gay relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 March 2016) 2 Answers - (Newest, 29 March 2016)
A male United States age 26-29, *ylerSage writes:

I've pretty much been a loner since I was a child. I

usually I aim to beat to my own drum but I do crave friendship and a romantic relationship.

What sucks is that I can't pin-point what exactly the problem is. I think people might be intimidated by me. I may come off a bit ridged sometimes but the other 50% of the time I'm a softie who people quickly take advantage of.

So I can be a bit defensive to people to prevent being too nice.

I recently discovered at my new job that I am very quiet, much more than I realized, but I would have a hard time describing myself as "quiet".

I feel I'm a mixture of both loud and wild but I can be reserved based on the people around me and their energies.

I've learnt within the last year or so to take more risks and be more out going and live life to the fullest but what pulls me back the most is the lack of company I have.

For example, I'm pretty sure a big part of the reason why I'm quiet at work is because the guys at work identify as straight and I'm gay (Which I'm just starting to accept).

When they talk about women or going out to find women it make me uncomfortable.

It also seems people find me attractive I think based on the comments people might make like "You're the one getting all the girls" or "You're such a player."

I have no idea what these people are talking about.

I just give a suitable smile and usually try and vanish before they try to pry in my life more. Sure, I cold lie but I don't like that.

How can I go out more by myself when I'm interested in meeting gay men? Based on where I live.

Should I decide to stop by a restaurant or something I may feel obligated to befriend a woman; not to mention people are usually in groups already.

If I was straight i probably wouldn't be here, I could do it but being gay makes it kinda hard.

Please help.

Here's some extra reading if you like:

View related questions: at work, player

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (29 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntWhy do you feel the need to pretend that you are interested in girls? If you are gay then that is who you are. Don't hide away from it, be honest with your friends at work. At least then they will know why you have no interest in talking about girls. Just because you are gay doesn't mean that you are restricted to having only gay friends. It is okay to be friends with straight men and women as well. Just be honest to them about who you are. Have you tried online dating? Have you checked out if there is any support groups for people struggling with there sexuality? You could make friends there also.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 March 2016):

It takes exposure by visibility. You have to put yourself outside of your comfort-zone. Most people shy away from others to avoid rejection; or an unpredictable reaction to their approach or appearance. Being like that is fine, if you're a monk. Nothing wrong with being a loner. I'm a loner by nature.

Although I now have a lot of friends, I had to open-up to get attention. Then use my interpersonal-skills to delight and attract people. Being friendly opens a lot doors. Being reserved and shy keeps people isolated and frustrated with loneliness. I often feel they deserve it for being so childish. Shyness is attractive to some degree, but not if it cripples you socially. How old do you have to be to act like a grown-up?

You only put yourself in danger by coming on too strong, and approaching the wrong people. You shouldn't make friends strictly based on sexual-orientation; but if you need more gay friends, you have to go places where gay folks congregate. It's not always at gay bars!!!

Oddly enough, although people are generally less homophobic; many gay people still tremble in the back of the closet. Nobody is implying you have to come out full priscilla, waving a rainbow flag over your head. Take whatever time you need.

Join a local gay charitable organization and meet generous and caring people. Attend your local gay pride parades. Wear dark glasses or only come out at night if you're shy of being recognized. It takes visibility to be noticed; then you have to be receptive, and friendly when approached.

Falling back on social-awkwardness only lessens any chance of meeting anyone. Get out and mingle.

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