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His performance in bed is so disappointing I'm not sure I want to see him again! Should I tell him?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 July 2009) 11 Answers - (Newest, 23 July 2009)
A female United Kingdom age , *londecatlover writes:

I have been seeing a guy for a very short time, He invited me to his place for a meal the other night.

After a few glasses of wine, we ended up in bed.

I was very dissapointed in his performance, to say the least. He was too rough, and didnt bother with much forplay, afterwards he turned over and went to sleep, and snored!

It was the second time that we had had sex. I am atttracted to him, but dont know if i want a repeat of what happened? Should i tell him outright about the way i feel? He wonders why i am putting off seeing him again. I find it difficult to approach the subject. We are both 50 yrs old, its not as if hes inexperienced.

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A male reader, Kenneth United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

Communication! Communication!! Communication!!! That is the secret. Tell the oldman to wake up and get busy by communicating what you like and want him to do to you. If not, kick him to the curb!

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A male reader, JSBach United Kingdom +, writes (23 July 2009):

Well, you are attracted to him, so I think it's worth trying to fix the situation.

I once had a girlfriend who knew exactly what she wanted from life, she drew up plans and worked out everything methodically. And this even extended to our sex life - she wasn't afraid to tell me exactly what she wanted me to do, for how long, when to stop and do something new ("a bit higher, yes that's it, no, slowly and not too deep, OK, right, all the way in now, and just hold it there"). I loved it when she took charge in bed.

Give it a go. I think most men are eager to please in bed, but you can't expect us to be mind readers.

And yes, he probably will still fall asleep after ejaculation, but would that be too much of a problem if you have had satisfying sex?

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A female reader, Confusedmom United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

You should definately tell him . If you're not able to be honest with him then it would never work anyway .

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (22 July 2009):

smeedle agony auntMy first instinct is to say, "life is too short" to be with someone who you are not sexually compatable with but reading the other agony aunts/uncles I can see some merit in talking to him about this, but im sure it will at first hurt his feelings as he probably doesnt see anything wrong with how he "does it".

The other thing I would suggest is not having alcohol, some men forget there manners in bed and lust takes over when they have drink inside them and if no alcohol is involved then you can see if its a shy thing as well which it could be.

Maybe he is embarrased about touching your body or really doesnt know what women want, some men have been with one woman a long time and like one of the others said, they just want it fast and then to sleep!!

Before you embark on the telling him thing, just take a moment out to think about if you like him enough to put in any sort of effort.

Did you have sex in the morning after the night before?

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A male reader, S-Breeze13 United States +, writes (22 July 2009):

Maybe you should play intimate games with him. Let him know when he does things that you like in these games. Hint him on things that you want him to do. If this doesnt't help, there is always KY Brand Yours and Mine if they have that in the UK.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

Everyone likes different things in the bedroom. Perhaps his 'previous' liked it rough and quick?

As for turning over, going to sleep and snoring, he can't really help it that much. You see, men have this hormone which is released into their system upon ejaculation, and it's better than any sleeping pill yet invented. It's nature's way of ensuring he gets some rest before his next bonk, so that his little tadpoles are in the peak of condition.

Tell him what's on your mind, and give him another chance. When you get to the bedroom instruct him as to what you want. He won't know if you don't tell him because he's not clairvoyant. Jump his bones and take charge of proceedings, but if he shouts "Stop wriggling!" it means it'll be game over if you don't!

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A female reader, alwaysreadyandwilling United Kingdom +, writes (22 July 2009):

alwaysreadyandwilling agony auntIf it is so bad and it doesnt change,i see little hope. Some people are lucky enough to differentiate love and sex. If its only sex i would recommend joining an adult dating site. Exchange rude pics and enjoy yourself instead of being in rut.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (22 July 2009):

Well only you know if he's going to be worth your effort.

If you like him and think he's worth investing some time in then tell him you really like him but you need him to be a bit more attentive in bed.

Tell him what you like when you get to bed, tell him you need him to stay awake and give you a cuddle afterwards.

If he puts in some effort then he may well turn out to be ok.

If he takes offence or you simply don't think he's worth it in relationship terms then tell him you like him but you want a man who can stay awake long enough after sex to put his arms round you.

Good Luck!! xx

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A female reader, Starlights United Kingdom +, writes (22 July 2009):

Starlights agony auntif u want to see him again, u should tell him how u feel... just be straight with him before u hit the sack again.

just becoz he is older doesnt mean he still hasnt got life in him to learn, so show him how it should be done!!

see yourself as a mentor for him.

good luck!

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A male reader, urbanking99 United Kingdom +, writes (22 July 2009):

Dear Blondecatlover

No disrespect but when you're a Glamorous Granny, I think you should be more than entitled to say how you feel and what you want. Sometimes you need to ask directly what you like and what pleases you.

As to his "inexperience", that's a difficult one. What if he hasn't had many partners. Prior to you when did he last have sex with someone. It may be that he is unsure what he actually likes to do.

I know what I like to do and I know what I want but getting it is my difficulty. Don't throw away the enjoyment of some physical pleasure because of one let down. One of the pleasures of sex is discovering and teaching somebody else what turns you on. I know that when I next get a chance to have sex, I shall be taking an inordinate amount of time and I shall be making sure I do what the women enjoy.

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A female reader, orlandblm8 United States +, writes (22 July 2009):

orlandblm8 agony auntHmm, instead of letting him be in charge, you should take charge next time. Or ask him if you two could experiment.

See the thing is, sex should have nothing to do with a relationship. A relationship should be on a person to person level, not just a sex level. Because once you two get older, the sex wont be the same, things could happen where you two can't do it. So ending a relationshi based on how well your partner proforms in the bed room is completely biased. If you really like the person, then it shouldn't matter. In ever relationship, your supposed to be open with one another. Your best thing to do is to talk to him about it, and if he doesn't like what you have to say, then he's not worth it.

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