A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance (who, by the way, is an only child) and I have been together for what will be four years the end of this month. We had some petty arguments in the beginning but nothing we couldn't work past. Just a little miscommunication and the like. But before I really delve into this, I want to give you some background information that could really help with your advice givings. This is a lengthy post, so please bear with me... Thanks.First off, I grew up with kind of a strained but relatively healthy relationship with my parents. My dad wasn't around when I was 7 to 11 years old but I feel like my mom did a pretty damn good job with me and my two younger sisters during those years. He's since come back but basically, I grew up being able to handle my own. I'm very used to adult figures (or really just people older than me) not getting in my business or judging me all the time. Most older people I've dealt with don't bother me too much and I'm completely okay with that.My fiance's mother, however, is a vastly different story. She is an overbearing, hypocritical, and (dare I say it?) kind of insane woman. Oh, she's a real sweetheart to your face but as soon as your back is turned, you're suddenly the "devil's child". She moved to the West coast the day my fiance and I started dating and he was all too happy to get rid of her. The stories he told me about when he was growing up, about all of her lies in the court room when she and his dad were getting a divorce when he was barely out of diapers. She used the child support checks to pay rent when that money was supposed to go to his dentist appointments and what not.When his maternal grandparents died, she could not longer afford the house they were living in and she refused to give my fiance (who was only 7 at the time) to his dad for a couple of years while she got back on her feet. So, of course, she did the most logical thing and QUIT HER JOB AND MOVED THEM TO A CRAPPY ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT in a terrible part of the city. The best thing would have been for her to swallow her pride and made sure that her son would be okay, and the best place for him at the time was at his dad's. She, unfortunately, saw his dad's house and his new wife as a threat to her and used it against her own child.I haven't even gotten started on how she has treated me the last few years... She came back from the West coast eight months into mine and my fiance's relationship and has pretty much been a thorn in my shoe since then. Oh believe me, at first I tried. I really, truly tried to get along with her. She's my then boyfriend's mother, of course I wanted to impress! Plus, when I met her for the first time, she was actually a very delightful woman. I probably should have seen the red flag when my fiance was apprehensive about my meeting her.Unfortunately, and I don't blame her for this because people sometimes just get in a rut, but she ended up in a homeless shelter for a good six months and that's when she 'found god'. And basically, the story REALLY starts here.I'm an atheist and occasionally post stuff on Facebook about my non-believing ways. And before I get any advice on here that says I shouldn't post things that offend other people, it's my damn Facebook and I post what I want, thank you very much! Well, about two years ago, I posted something that she apparently did not like and she went absolutely berserk! On the public, social media site, she told her son (my fiance) that she couldn't believe he'd fallen for someone who did not believe in god. That she'd raised him better than that. Frankly, I was embarassed but I also have a strong personality, so I stood by what I said; however, I tried to remain civil. Thankfully, my fiance completely defended me, which I totally appreciated. She, of course, was not happy with him for a couple of weeks after that.That was only the first oh-so wonderful interaction with her. The most recent disagreement happened about a week ago on, take a guess, Facebook again. I posted something about a big concert that might be occuring in the next few years and said how awesome it would be to go. She not only blasted me but also my friends who were simply stating that they would definitely want to go as well. I mean, she was a legit bitch about it and I basically told her it's not like we would all be doing drugs and shit. We would want to enjoy the music. She got pissed and told me she did not appreciate me "jumping all over her as usual" for stating her opinion. Literally, a couple of my friends messaged me on Facebook and were like, 'Dude, have fun with that in your life.'Alright, so now I've come to the point of this post. I realize that she's what society calls a 'mama bear'. She's trying to protect her cub and I get that. I like to think I'll be the same way with my own kids. But I also like to think I'll be much more reasonable than her crazy ass. I've had so many talks with my fiance about this, it's getting to the point where I'm simply not caring anymore. Or maybe I'm starting to care more, and that's why our relationship is becoming that much more strained. He's told me that he deals with her behavior by ignoring her because, and I quote him, "She grew up a spoiled brat who loves the attention and the pride just never left her."Well, I grew up in poverty and her behavior is disgusting to me. I'm seriously afraid that this is going to ruin my relationship with my fiance and moreover, how the hell is she going to act around me when he and I start a family? Is she going to try and turn my own children against me one day? What's worse is that I've become too afraid to really let me be completely myself around my own fiance because I'm terrified I'm going to start acting like her (he's told me that I do occasionally sound like her and that, of course, made me retreat into becoming more distant). What I said to him to make him say that was that I'd like to be a part of his fitness goals, that he should exercise with me and not just his friends.Now granted, she only calls him about once or twice a week (my parents call me about once a month and that's only if I called them first and care enough about a situation to leave a voicemail). Every little thing that happens to her is somehow a tragedy that she calls my fiance neglectful over if he doesn't act like a first responder to her. I can't, I just can't deal with how clingy she is. I guess all I can really be happy about is the fact that my fiance ignores her false desperation about 50% of the time. What do I do? Please help...
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 June 2014):
Since the examples of her bad behavior stem from Facebook why don't you just block her from seeing your posts? I assume you can do that, if not just unfriend her.
I don't see why that should be a big deal. The other things you mentioned happen to people, good and bad. She can pay for rent with child support btw, since living in a house is important for a child. Money is money. So unless she was using the support to by herself things there's no reason to criticize her.
I'm sure she is a bitch but I think you've picked some examples that make giving better advice difficult. What has she done in person? "Behind your back" doesn't really count if you're talking about a Facebook fight since that's easily fixable.
Other than talking with your fiancé is she trying to negatively affect your life when you're not around her?
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 June 2014):
 First of, tell your fiance you are going to take HIS mom of your facebook. Then block her or if you can't un-friend her (I can't remember if FB let's you) but block her from reading your feeds.
I don't know WHY you have her on your FB if that is where some of the majority of drama gets started with her. I would just CUT it down.
Also talk to your fiance, ASK him how he would LIKE for you to deal with his mother.
There are a few things you mention that kind of feels like bulls shit (pardon my English)
http://family-law.lawyers.com/child-support/what-can-child-support-be-used-for.html
***Child Support Should Pay for Basic Needs
Technically, child support is supposed to cover housing, food, and clothing, but the costs of raising a child usually involve more than just these basic needs. There are expenses for school and after-school activities and for toys. Older teenagers might have car costs, such as auto insurance or gasoline.
Most child support payments easily cover a child's share of the household's basic expenses, with some money left over. A custodial parent can reasonably spend that money on the extras.***
So her using it for rent, it not a problem, nor... is it any of your business. (just saying)
As for not letting him go live with his dad when she was financially in the hole.. Well, he isn't a puppy you pass around. If they had a rather dramatic divorce I can only imagine she didn't want to give up her son i FEAR of totally losing him.
Again.. I understand her actions (though I DO agree that it would make more RATIONAL sense to let him live with his dad for a while.) Divorces are RARELY easy.
Now I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but because as much as YOU like for others to stay out of your business, you should consider that your fiance's past and his mother's past in NONE of your business too. Maybe she felt she did the BEST SHE could do. YOU might have chosen a different path in her shoes and THAT is OK, but don't hold it against her.
As for her "having found religion" Yikes, I know a woman (my MIL) who is like that. She presumed because she found Jesus that her 5 sons would automatically forgive her for what she did to them/their dad in the past. WE (my husband and I) don't talk to her. Specially not after she claimed she would take us to court to see HER grandchildren (our kids) because WE weren't providing them with a Christian upbringing...
What I'm trying to say is, YOU and your fiance needs to be on the same page when it comes to her. United front, if you will, so TALK it out with him. And then BOTH of you stick to it.
There is always the option to just ignore her, to not talk to her and to not see her.
Talk to your fiance. ASK him to DEAL with this. And then support each other in whatever you two decide.
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