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His insensitive comment makes me want to just leave him!

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 April 2019) 13 Answers - (Newest, 14 April 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I've been with boyfriend for 8 years now. We have had our bad patches and arguments, but the past couple of years have been really good, good communication, great sex, laughter, good times generally. We don't live together due to work commitments in different areas and financial issues, but we have talked about it for the future.

Yesterday morning we were sitting in bed having a cuppa and out of the blue he put his hand on my hip, like on the side of my bottom and said "Why don't you get injections here?" I really could not fathom what he meant, the only thing I thought he could mean was injections to make my butt bigger, so I felt really offended by his comment. I asked him what he meant, that I thought his comment was either really odd... or that he meant I should have work done on my behind, and he gave an even stranger answer: "All I meant was why not have injections in there because that's where children have them..."

What a bizarre thing to say, basically I think he didn't expect me to get upset by his comment and he had no idea how to defend himself. I have had a hard time at work the past few weeks, I wondered was he trying to make me laugh, like in a wind me up and annoy me way... but although he can do that sometimes, I mean the sense of humour, I really feel offended by his comment. He did not say that he was trying to make me laugh or wind me up, he just kept repeating the weird thing about children.... and now is telling me I overreacted and misunderstood him and took it the wrong way and that now he is afraid to even speak to me as I "always misunderstand things".

I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally don't understand him at all and way back in the past, when we had problems, one of them back in 2010 and 2011, was that he made some snarky, semi-jokey comments about my breasts, my hair and my other parts of my figure and appearance. This has thrown me right back into those horrible feelings again.

A good friend says men can just be idiots and say insensitive things, but I am ready to end the relationship because of this. She thinks I should just forgive him and try to forget it. But I want to get to the bottom of it, pardon the pun. I feel like he is picking at my flaws again. I have a smallish bottom, but proportionate and like every woman, especially as we get older, some stretch marks and maybe flatter, droppier parts. Where he put his hand was a part that is not so "perfect" and it feels like he was telling me I need a butt lift. What makes it even worse is that we are currently on holiday and I was only JUST starting to relax from work stress. Now I want to fly home early.

Am I overreacting??

View related questions: at work, breasts, my figure, on holiday, stretch marks

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2019):

Hi

I am the poster who said that I had had the same experience and that I thought the sooner the better that you leave him.

I can only say well done and thank goodness you're leaving him. The man who did the same to me was incredibly abusive and this was just one of the tactics.

We both know that there is a world of difference between some light hearted, affectionate and loving banter and teasing and what your boyfriend is doing.

I am wary of the kind of men who make out that we are drama queens etc when we object to it.

I DO think that he is gaslighting you AND punishing you by cutting off communication because you are putting him on the spot with your request for an explanation. He doesn't have a valid explanation and so has to resort to his childish behaviour.

If you are in any doubt that you are doing the right thing then please read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. A brilliant book on abusive tactics used by men. The author is an eminent psychologist who worked one to one with abusive men for fifteen years and learnt all about the abusive tactics that abusive men employ.

I bet you anything you like that you will recognise other aspects of your boyfriend's behaviour between the pages.

Reading this book is SO empowering because it cuts through all the doubt that we sometimes feel, wondering if it's just us and are we being too sensitive etc. After reading this book you will be in no doubt about his motives and make it much easier for you to move on.

Well done in sticking to your guns. I wouldn't be surprised if your boyfriend doesn't come out with some other tactic to persuade you to stay when he realises that his abusive tactics are not working on you. He is trying to belittle you with his comments. The comments are meant to be covert for the very reason that he can try to explain them away with whatever pathetic reason he can come up with. But the comments still resonate and linger and start to make you wonder about your appearance. That's his intention and now you have called him on it, he is trying to gaslight you.

I wish you a happy few days in your resort, I hope that you are looking forward to getting back home and being happy without this kind of drama (that abusive men create) in your life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2019):

I am the original poster. Thank you guys, some good support here. I tried to talk to him about it again and he got super defensive and, again, kept repeating that it was "just something that popped into his head about children getting vaccinations" and then even tried to claim that he had said something quite different.

I repeated that it was a very bizarre and random thing to say, but he just kept acting offended by my confusion. I don't know if this is gaslighting or not - or does he have me so confused that it's crazy that I'm even asking this question?

More than a couple of posters have confirmed my first instinct, that he was saying I should get butt injections and that he knew exactly what he was doing and that I also know EXACTLY what his game is. Trying to make me feel insecure. And this attempt to discuss the issue has soured the holiday and the past week or so has been pretty awful. He has hidden behind his laptop and has been physically, emotionally and mentally distant.

I have also retreated to my holiday reading and going for walks alone, but night before last night, we had a big bust up over it, which he instigated by saying he was fed up with me appearing to be down and having a "sad look on my face". This opened the way to dialogue and him insisting he had not meant to be hurt me, that he loves my body as it is and why would he be with me if he did not love me. But me pushing for a rational explanation of the comment only made him flip out, get angry and shut down again.

When we get back home I will end it. I will not spoil his last few days here. He is out on his own and I am spending my day in the sun also alone. The beginning of the end is tangibly here, which makes it so much easier to walk away from it. I am not sure I can even say that I like this person any more.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2019):

I would say he is on the spectrum the same as my partner. I have heard so many of these dumb insensitive comments that I have plenty of come backs.

"Oh not another one of those comments. We all know what sh*t they cause between us..."

"Did you really say that or am I hallucinating?..."

"Is that the polite version of what you are trying to say?"

"Be nice it doesn't cost anything......."

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (6 April 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntLike you, I have no idea what the comment about children having them meant. Quite random thing to say. I would have understood his comment to refer to having an oversized ugly arse like one of the Kardashians.

In your shoes I would give him a taste of his own medicine to see how he likes it. Ask him "Why don't you get an injection in your dick to make it bigger?" and see if he still thinks it is just a joke.

Try not to let it spoil your holiday. Push it to the back of your mind but spend the rest of your holiday weighing up whether you really want to be in this relationship. How does he normally make you feel about yourself? Does he often make little comments which leave you feeling insecure and neurotic about yourself? Our life partners should support us and make us feel BETTER about ourselves, not worse. Decide whether this was just a thoughtless silly comment or whether it is part of a larger picture where he does your self esteem no good. Then decide whether you can do better.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2019):

He sounds like a jerk who is hinting at the latest sick trends for you to look like an unreal cartoon figure LOL.

How sad is that.

I would just give him the benefit of the doubt as he is obviously slow to grasp real life and rea relationships. Hope you don't mope and sulk either enjoy your self. Show him the pictures of when these injections have gone wrong and the deaths they have caused. Ask him to try it first.

You don't need his validation on how you should look, you need to start loving yourself and find the goddess and above all enjoy your vacation wholeheartedly.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (5 April 2019):

Typo Correction:

"...are always going to be a bone of contention that leads to fights."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (5 April 2019):

I think regardless of what the previous aunts and uncles, or what I say; you're going to stay with the guy. His dumb comments are always going to be a bone or contention that leads to fights. Yet you're going to stay anyway!

He's insensitive and likes to make slights and comments about your boobs and buttocks. You've stuck it out for nine years; and it's happened before. So why does this bother you so much? When all you needed was a quick comeback that would have knocked his stupid words out of the water! "Well, you get a bigger wiener, and I'll figure out how to inflate my aging lady-parts to match!" "Deal?!!" Make fun and take a swing back at the same-time!

What he said didn't even make any sense. You knew what he meant, even though the explanation was stupid. You aren't planning to do anything about it but sulk. He didn't offer you any money for any kind of procedure; so it was just brain diarrhea. Laugh it off, and roll your eyes! Call it out for what it is...STUPID!

You can end the relationship after enjoying what's left of the vacation. Sometimes you don't let stupidity get to you.

You put it on pause, and you go find something to make you feel better...like taking his credit card, and getting a full spa treatment!

BTW, women say some stupid and insensitive things too!!!

Reaaaaaaaaaaaaally, they do!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2019):

I was with someone who did exactly what you describe. We had great sex, conversations, got on really well, really enjoyed being together and then, out of the blue, he would make a snarky comment about my appearance. It would shock me, but I took it in the context of the rest of our relationship, which was with a laugh, until I realised that I started wondering what he might say if I wore such and such or tried something new.

I realised that I was starting to lose confidence and I looked at some of the things he had said to me, previously over the years (three to be precise). I realised that I would NEVER say things like that to him, or to anyone else. That what he was saying was nasty and hurtful.

I had been trying to ignore his remarks and trying to forget how what he had said had made me feel. I was trying to be cool and get on board with putting myself down, because it didn't mean anything. Right? He was just having a laugh, surely? At my expense, but hey....who wants to be called the person that can't take a joke?

The thing is, it started to get to me and I started to think that maybe it wasn't all innocent and all in good fun. Even it was meant to be, it was making me feel like shit. Being with someone who had a 'sense of humour' like that, that did that to people, especially to the ones you're supposed to love, didn't appeal anymore.

I don't like to embarrass people, or make them feel small or stupid or ugly and I didn't want to be with someone who did. Someone who enjoyed making others feel like that for the sake of a 'joke'.

I tried it on him, just once, to see what reaction I got. I hated being like him, but I wanted to know how he would feel if someone took the piss out of his appearance. He didn't like it! Strangely enough, he didn't seem to see the funny side at all!!

Only you know if you are with someone who likes to make others fell like crap. Especially their girlfriend. Breaking your confidence. Or if you're with someone who has no perception of how his comments make you feel and what's more doesn't really care. I very much doubt that he was talking about getting vaccination shots in your rear. Why was he talking about that? Just out of the blue?

I think I know what his game is and I think you do too. I know that I have not enough time on this earth to share it with people who make me feel bad enough to come to an internet site for help. If he is making you feel like leaving him, then that's what I would do. Why should we have to laugh along with nasty, insinuating comments about ourselves, just so we don't get called 'drama queens' or some such.

Taking all the other comments that he made to you in the past about other aspects of your appearance, makes me feel affronted for you. These are not the actions of a nice guy. Would you ever make a joke about his dick, or his hair, or his voice or whatever? He sounds like an immature little person, who is actually abusive at heart.

You feel like leaving him for a reason. I say 'the sooner, the better'. Good luck.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (5 April 2019):

Code Warrior agony auntSounds to me like you're reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally hypersensitive and look for reasons to create unnecessary drama, at least he seems to think so, and based on your reaction he's correct. Sounds like he walks on egg shells around you wondering what minor molehill you'll turn into the next mountain. OMG!

You're offended! Whatever will we do! Oh no! Not THAT!

Frankly, if I were him, I'd break up with you rather than put up with your drama queen nonsense. To ruin a vacation over something so minor is utterly without merit and totally idiotic.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (5 April 2019):

Fatherly Advice agony auntThe fundamental component of a relationship is trust. How could you spend the 8 years between 2010 and 2019 pretending you are in a relationship with a man you don't even trust? Just cut the dumb sucker loose. Replace him with someone you can see on a frequent basis. Frequent enough that you can understand him. Frequent enough to build trust.

BTW don't let any man talk you into or out of body modification procedures.

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A female reader, FelidaeOBX United States +, writes (5 April 2019):

FelidaeOBX agony auntIf he's being immature and telling you to get plastic surgery because you don't "look perfect" to him, straight up tell him to deal with it or find someone else .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2019):

Yeah he sounds like one of those guys who watches porn and compares the young women’s bodies to his gf . I’d ask him straight up ‘ do you have a problem with my body . Would you prefer each of us to seoerate ways and find alternative partners ?’ Then sit quietly and calmly and let him explain

Best of luck with this . So many men expecting porn star bodies, beautiful personalities and caring women when they haven’t even got basic emotional intelligence skills

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 April 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI don't know if you are just a tad sensitive about your body or if you are jumping to conclusion based on dumb stuff he has said in the past... NEITHER do you, it seems.

I think before you throw a fit and go home you NEED to have a talk and ASK him to SPELL out what he meant. No give you these half nonsensical answers like "All I meant was why not have injections in there because that's where children have them..." What does that even mean? WHAT injections?

He might have been referring to the flu shot or if you get hormone treatment or any other kind of treatment 0 he might SIMPLY have meant that the BUM is the least painful place to get shots.

If he meant that you should have an ass life, I'd tell him you are trying to lose weight (ask him how much he weighs) and then when he gives you that number you tell him that MAYBE that is the number you need to lose.

You are going to let ONE STUPID comment ruin your vacation? If he said dumb stuff, go explore by yourself for a day. He can sit at home and think about what he lets out of his mouth....

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