A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I find it impossible to give off sexual vibes. I revert straight into a friendship style of communication. If there’s ever any slight indication of sexual interest from someone I freak out and go into a seemingly calm and causal interaction which I’ve been told as comes across as confident and caring but not sexually interested. In fact, the more attractive I find the person the more I seem to act like I’d rather be friends. I’ve only had 2 relationships, both pretty long but very flawed. Neither installed me with with any confidence. The first had me trapped in emotional blackmail as she was very ill and I loved her but she refused me any physical contact including kissing. For some reason I was in this relationship for 3 years.The second only ended a year ago and I’m still reeling from it a bit. This was more a relationship with communication. She was there for the relationship in a practical manner but never really spoke. It was monosyllabic answers all the time and I’m a naturally chatty person who enjoys deep conversations. We had sex probably a little under average but it was always me instigating and I never felt attractive to her. We were together for 6 years.So I’ve just come back from a date as I know I should get back on the scene. But I just don’t know how to flirt or show I’m interested. I’m too nervous. But the conversation flowed from 2pm until 11pm. And ended with a casual peck on the cheek and see ya later. Obviously she may just not have been interested anyway but regardless I have no vibes.I know I am like this whenever I am interested in a women. I just don’t have it in me to play the flirting game. I am a healthily sexually minded person and look forward to the intimacy and confidence of a well established relationship, But I just don’t see that ever happening with the way I interact with women. Thanks in advance
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 April 2019):
 The trick to confidence and flirting is not to be good and succsessful at it. The trick is actually to realize that you will probably be shot down, but to find it worth it anyway.
Next time you want to charm a woman, tell yourself that you will not hope for anything at all, but that the goal itself is to just tell her she looks beautiful. Nothing more. Take flirting in itself as a success, whatever the outcome.
I love flirting and enjoy the game of it, and have no intention of it leading anywhere. Its the flirting in itself that is fun. So try to enjoy flirting in itself, and not think of it as a means to an end.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 April 2019):
The trick to confidence and flirting is not to be good and succsessful at it. The trick is actually to realize that you will probably be shot down, but to find it worth it anyway.
Next time you want to charm a woman, tell yourself that you will not hope for anything at all, but that the goal itself is to just tell her she looks beautiful. Nothing more. Take flirting in itself as a success, whatever the outcome.
I love flirting and enjoy the game of it, and have no intention of it leading anywhere. Its the flirting in itself that is fun. So try to enjoy flirting in itself, and not think of it as a means to an end.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 April 2019):
 Not everyone flirts.
And not everyone is GOOD at flirting when they DO try.
But flirting IS a way to communicate INTEREST beyond friendship. For some it's just second nature, they flirts REGARDLESS of romantic interest. So you see there isn't a PIGEONHOLE that you HAVE to fit into.
If you want to show interest in a woman romantically AND sexual manner, you PROBABLY will have to put yourself out there a bit more than you are now. I can have HOURS worth of conversations with someone I'm not romantically or sexually interested in. Most people can. So you NEED to learn little "tricks" to SHOW you are interested in MORE than just a good conversation. Women are not mind readers. So while you had a great time chatting with one for 2-11 pm if she didn't FEEL you were interested it probably WON'T go further.
"People flirt when they’re attracted to someone but don’t want to come out and say it right away (which is smart because doing so might scare off a potential mate.)"
It can be simple. Like a compliment. Like, I really like your jacket/ shirt/ scarf - it created an opportunity to say something NICE and "safe" (versus saying:" I like your nose") and it gives HER an opportunity to TALK about said item.
Use humor. Not "I'm so edgy I say dumb crap" humor but try and make her laugh.
DON'T try pick up lines. They are just lame. And VERY few guy can actually make them work.
Food, travel, music, movies, art, theater are GREAT conversation topics and... they are GREAT for follow up questions and suggestions. Like, ask her what her favorite cuisine is. And if you know a restaurant that serves that food maybe suggest that the two of you can go out for dinner there some time.
Flirting is not just being SUPER CHARMING and HITTING and HINTING - it's also remembering something SHE said earlier or on a previous date. Bringing it up with a smile.
Some add little touches when they talk. Like on the hand or arm (as the are both pretty "innocent") but that is something that takes little practice to get good at.
And If you had a REALLY nice time WITH her, it's pretty good to ask her if she wants to go out again BEFORE the night is over. If she is vague in her answer, let it go. If she is interested, she will let you know. This is also the time where you can "use" some of the info you learned in your conversation for figuring out what to do on the second date. Like seeing a certain movie - going to a certain type restaurant, gallery, etc.
If you still feel it's "too hard" try something as simple as SMILING, laughing and mirroring her. As long as you don't overdo it.
You don't have a great track-record when it comes to relationships, but I think it's because you don't put yourself first. That first relationship where you FELT emotionally blackmailed... you COULD have walked away. Yes, it probably wasn't easy, but you could have done it. You didn't seem like you really got much out of it.
And your second one, well... what was up with that?! You spend 6!! years with someone you weren't really a good match with, weren't attracted to because what? You wanted a GF and she was willing to sorta date you?
FIGURE out what you want. Dating is about finding a partner who is a GOOD match. Not just someone willing to date you and be with because you(and she is) are available.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2019): Some people tend to over-analyze themselves. Thereby under-estimating their value; and/or grossly misjudging the perception others have of them. Aiming too hard to please!
You described two flawed/poorly-matched relationships with women who seemed to have difficulty relating intimately or emotionally. You stayed with them far too long; and your role in the relationship became "play-acting." You wanted to make it last and appear to be working; so you assumed the roles of best-friend and noble caretaker. "Mold me into what you want me to be!" The "adaptable-boyfriend" who won't give-up; even if it makes no sense to hold-on. Meanwhile, all your natural charm and magnetism was suppressed; and replaced by a restrained unassuming/non-intimidating facade. "I'm not sexy, but I'm still great boyfriend-material!"
Take a chill pill, Bill! If you don't flirt, maybe it is because you choose all the wrong types and you don't feel compelled to? You feel intimidated, or fear rejection; so you hold-back. "Acting" nonchalant, like you can't be bothered. Sorry to tell you, but that's easy to see through. It can also come across as cocky or full of yourself. Nonchalance is no substitute for confidence, my friend!
You failed in the process of avoiding failure. If that makes any sense? Meaning, you didn't want on-lookers to think you can't handle your women. Your pride didn't want anyone to see you made two mistakes in a row! So, you tried to make the second relationship look like it was working; until it fell apart, or it drove you nuts.
You were inexperienced; but your self-analyses was far too critical. Now you think you can't flirt. You're just out of practice and have to get out of your old thinking-mode. Loyalty without sensuality. Charm without chutzpah! I know what that feels like. Like a demagnetized magnet!!! I got dumped and felt like that for nearly a year! No polarity, positive or negative! I'd get really warm, but never hot!
Your problem, my dear friend; is that you've type-cast yourself. Now you can't shake the stigma of being "the ideal boyfriend." You stuck it out when others would have bailed-out. You were hiding within relationships; because you lack confidence in yourself as a person. You must have been miserable!
Did you feel anything for those women? Or, did you just have to prove you were heterosexual, and felt you had to have a girlfriend as evidence? You must have some capacity to flirt, or you wouldn't have attracted the first two!
Now you require rewiring and some reprogramming. You don't know how to gauge or adjust your natural charm; or tap into your swagger. You've diluted or suppressed your sex-appeal; because you were trapped in relationships with two women who didn't really need or want it.
You were their on-call chaperone/babysitter. You thought you were a good boyfriend who adapted to the needs and ways of your partner. Live as a chameleon too long, and you will lose your true-self and forget even the most fundamental elements of your own personality. You've become a "something" vs. a "someone." You blended into your relationships. Now you're out and don't know who you are. Even worse...without game!
I like the way you described yourself. It was easy to see exactly what the problem is.
You wouldn't move-on, you didn't want to feel like you failed at these relationships; so you assumed a delusional acting-role within the relationship to show you could "handle it." The proper thing to have done was to end those relationships before they caused any damage. If you stay with people who have difficulty relating or interacting with you; you'll destroy your own social-skills trying to over-compensate for their short-comings. You can't develop your own interactive-skills or engage your masculinity. It's like suffering a bit of arrested-development. As I said...no game!
Don't put on airs or pretend to be somebody you're not. Just relax and allow your natural charm to surface. You've buried yourself; because one of your previous partners wasn't too interested in communication. The other didn't seem attracted to you sexually. Stop acting or feeling you have to be "some way." BE YOU! Then, if a woman is attracted to you; it would be for your natural and real qualities. No role-playing; unless it's a game in the bedroom!
You're a calm, regular-guy. Stop with the self-deprecation; because your have some false-notion you have to send out all these exceptionally macho signals to attract women. That's a myth. Nature created pheromones that draw and attract people towards each other; then other biological-chemicals are ignited within our brains. Trying to make all your tools of attraction obvious or visible to the eye; just looks robotic or phony. Silly, even!
Just relax and stop acting. You'll find being comfortable in your own skin will bring-out what you've suppressed figuring it wasn't needed, appreciated, or good enough. Leave your two exes in the past where they belong. Undo their psychological-shackles, dude! You're free to be you, whomever he is! Why don't you just explore and find-out who he really is! Rejection is inevitable in life; so you'll have to become man enough to deal with it. You can't avoid it. If you don't know how to flirt, then don't. Be real, kind, and intelligent. That speaks for itself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2019): Let me take a slightly different angle - You may be looking at yourself in a pretty harsh manner here.You are saying that you don't give off any flirty vibes - how do you know this? Or are you just being too harsh on yourself? Women... well, people... are very good at picking up on body language and signals and you will be giving them off unintentionally no matter what company you are keeping. You may feel shy, but the women you date can probably tell and some will understand and work through it with you - others may not, but that is the point of dating. Just looking into a woman's eyes for a slightly longer time than normal, or the way you smile, will speak volumes to the right woman. It doesn't have to take much. With most behaviour being learned, I suppose you could say that your experience in relationships in the past has taught you to retreat a little. You need to find a way to unlearn this and it could be as simple as reminding yourself to smile maybe two times more at a woman or something simple and then the reactions you get back off her will give you the confidence and bring you out of your shell more. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, give yourself a break. Dating is hard! Especially nowadays and I am no expert. I find it all very daunting and am very shy myself and with the expectations of a guy (generally) to make the first moves, it must be even harder for you!One thing I have tried on dates, especially a first date if there isn't the full kiss - I will give the guy the kiss on the cheek but will put my hand on his shoulder, swiftly brush down his arm and give his hand a little squeeze before walking on. It is just something a tad more than the average and friendly kiss on the cheek, but it isn't a big scary move either.Actions speak louder than words so think baby steps and train yourself to be brave.Wishing you the best of luck!
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (5 April 2019):
 I suggest paying to learn flirting skills. There are ways to practice and its by continuing to date, meet women, learning to flirt and smile. It doesnt even have to be sexual, it's all about being comfortable and casual and relaxed. Continue to date, continue to meet people, practice people skills, and talk to everyone. By building this confidence you will be surprise at how easy it will be to show interest in the woman you do desire.
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