| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: My other-halfs ex cannot get over the breakup and we dont know what to do!Its more complicated as they have a baby who is now 4months old. They broke up before the baby was born.The ex cannot accept that they are no longer together. After many problems she has decided that my other half is not allowed to see his child. She feels it is better for her to get on with her life without seeing him, and that their child will be better off without him, so she didnt want anymore contact at all.She texts loads of abuse to him several times a week. She has called our house in the middle of the night several times (when drunk) - When she was still pregnant she found out where my OH was going to be working and went to the place and asked if he worked there and for a contact number. On what would have been the day they'd have been together for a year - she came to the house and left an anniversary card. She yesterday left a valentine card and present in a bag hanging on the house door handle. She lives a 45minute drive away from us. We dont think her family quite know what she is doing. It isnt causing a problem in our relationship, but it is annoying to receive all these things. My OH doesnt reply as she told him she never wanted to hear from him again - and even if he did reply that wouldnt be right would it????AAGGHH!! - Basically I dont know what to do. Sometimes I feel like emailing or phoning her and trying to suggest she gets help - but I cant can i?Do we just let it carry on til she decides to stop? (its been 8 months now) - or what????????
View related questions:
anniversary, broke up, drunk, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that.We have never retaliated and made threats to her. It has all been from her. Her only solution is for her and my OH to be together, which even if I wasnt involved, wouldnt happen. There isnt really anywhere for him to move to. All his family leave 400miles away. He doesnt really have anywhere else to go.He had asked her before about a DNA test and she went mad..........She thinks everything is done on "yours and the sl*ts terms" - but I have never demanded anything. Nor do i expect to. The only involvement I have is the fact that I am with my OH. I think I will have to take some sort of action if she continues. Someone has got to make her realise she cant continue like this. She isnt going to listen to us, her family wont either, and either dont know what she is up to, or are letting her continue......so I dont know what else to do. I just dont like the idea of her hanging about my home.....
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (10 February 2006):
 she wont be able to see her behaviour is so awful precisely because this woman is diturbed.
I feel that the child is the most important thing here. If your partner really wants to see it then you need for him to move out in the short tima to be able to decalre himself single in order to get leagl aid to fight her thru the courts.
Dont think of this as *her winning* look at it as *you manipulating the situation to get what you want*.
Get him to demand a DNA test to buy you time. When he has that bit of paper saying he is definately the father no court in the land can dispute that.
Get everything documented by the police. It needs to be logged to build a case.
Above all keep a clear head. NEVER resort to threats and violence, no matter how hard you are pushed. That is what she wants so she can play the injured victim.
This is really difficult for you but the child is the most important thing of all.
Good luck x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
My OH isn't named on the birth certificate. He was supposed to go with the mother to do so, but she went ahead without him.
He has paid maintenance since week1. He has recently had a letter from CSA and payments are now going through them rather than him paying directly as he has been.
When I say it doesnt bother us - what I mean is its not getting in the way of our relationship. Yes it is annoying, but it hasnt had a detrimental affect on us. If anything we have been pushed together and become much stronger as a couple.
We keep records of everything. We are going to get him a new SIM card, but as she phones the house, we live with my parents and they dont see why they should have to change their number cos she cant control herself. She does speak when she phones. MAinly to scream and shout abuse. And it is always when she has been drinking.
Her family wont even acknowledge my OH. Even to the point where they have said they hope he dies.
She speaks to his parents. But they are trying not to get too involved as they are the only link my OH has with his son at the moment.
I want to throw the card and present in the bin, but my OH has put it in a box with the other cards and said he is keeping it for evidence.
My mm has told her one more late night call and she will phone the police. And I feel that if she comes and leaves things at the house again, that I may have to call the police, but I dont know what they will do - even though it is very stalker ish.
I do accept that she is hurt. But cant she see she is putting herself through so much more by behaving like this?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
My OH was present at the birth, he was there from the moment she was induced til about 7hours after the baby was born, And he returned the next day to hospital too.
Her mum and best friend were also at the birth.
He wasnt able to go over on the 2nd day as he had been ill and was seeing the doctor - but was due to go over the next day until receiving a phone call from her mum saying he was not welcome and that the midwife and doctor had advised they should not let him anywhere near until the mother was ready. It was around 3 weeks until he saw his son again.
As she threatened me several times I did report it to the police and she has received a warning for harassment against me. -
We dont know whether to get the police involved again cos we dont know if it would have a detrimental affect on my OH seeing his son....(although this isnt happening anyway)
We have seen a solicitor who wasnt a great deal of help. We are trying to save some money so that this can be a route we take. As they tak my wages into consideration cos we live together he is not entitled to legal help.
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (9 February 2006):
You need to start reporting this to the police so if it escalates they can build a case against her. if you OH wants to see his child he needs to set the wheels in motion now so if it goes thru leagl channels the child is not too old before he delelops a relationship with it.
It sounds as if you relationship is all very new, so all I can suggest to you is to be there, be supportive and help him deal with the problems as they happen.
I would reccommend though that any contact you have with this woman is witnessed and anyhting she sends, or leaves or texts, or even shouts down the phone is recorded and given to the police.
I do feel sorry for her slightly in a way as she has just gone thru the trauma of giving birth with no partner support, and, whilst this isn't anyones fault it must be hard for her. Is there any way your partner can get in touch with her family and maybe ask them for help or to intervine?
Good luck, and remember the poor child at the center of all this.x
...............................
A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (9 February 2006):
 No you do not just wait for it to stop, she is disturbed and this is wrong for the baby.
Relationships break up, the break up is painful but on the whole we accept this and move on, she is stuck, she cannot accept or move on, if there was not a baby involved it would be much more straight forward.
If your partner is the father is he on the birth certificate, and does he pay maintanance, if he is on certificate and he has never abused her then he has a right to proper acess to his child, you need to see a solicitor and see what your rights are.
If she is bothering both of you and although you say it is not, your tone say`s otherwise and so for your own sanity and relationship you need to get advice as you may have grounds for a restraining order.
You do not have to put up with this, make it stop!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Listerning Angel +, writes (9 February 2006):
Well you could try contact your local police and reporting her because she shouldn't be getting away with that, it sounds simular to being stalked by someone and theres laws for that. Or if you don't feel like doing that then all you can really do is ignore her and just hope that she gets bored or meets someone else. If she phones just put the phone down as soon as you know its her without any conversation. If she leaves presents or cards just put them in the bin straight away. You could always change your phone number. Personally i think i would just report it, if I was you and hope that they will talk to her or just warn her off and they might be able to give you advice on what to do. Just keep enjoying what you have together and keep strong like have been and don't let her win. i used to recieve nasty texts of my ex i kept the sim card with them on and brought another one from the mobile shop, it was the same net work and deal but it just give me a new mobile number you could try that, i think it cost me about £10. Don't give her any new numbers if you decide to change them or to any friends or family that might pass them to her. Its always a good idea to keep notes on things she does and says to you and all the dates and times it happens, keep anything that you have to back your story up as well and take it to your local police. See what they suggest
...............................
|
