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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for 5 years now, with my wife who I have known for 6 Years. Throughout this time, we have had more ups and downs than a roller coaster. My wife is constantly stopping me from seeing friends and family. It started out fine but after a couple of months, she said my feelings for friends and family was unhealthy. Over the years, I have come to accept that I don't have any friends other than work colleagues, and my family are simply people that I see once every few months. I am unhappy with this but feel that I must do what my wife says, or we have dreadful rows about these things. I cannot go out on works do's nor go to the gym anymore... basically I cannot go out without my wife. When we argue, it is made worse because I want to make my case known, however she tells me that I cause rows because I don't accept what she says, if ever I question her - she tells me that I am answering back again and that she will leave me if I dont stop arguing - but to be honest - If it we'rnt for our children - I would ask her to leave anyway. Can anyone help me to deal with this? Should I leave her or would it be silly to leave my family home, just so that I can see my parents and brothers and sisters? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2017): My wife does not allow me to talk to anyone. I cannot talk to my mother, brother, sister, friend no one.I need to ask her to have a telephone card to speak to my mother she lives in Pakistan. I have two friends , whom I know since nearly 20 years. I cannot have them on whats up as my wife thinks both have their wives pictures and i can see them if they stick those on to their cover. Today my fried sent me a greeting msg for Eid, I replied him on whats up, she did not like and had a long fight. I cannot have my facebook account , she has changed my password , on other hand she speaks to her parents as many times as she wants, she has several friends on whats up and she does not allow me to check her phone , but she can check my phone. I do not have life only work and then come back home to teach my kids for their homework or other academic work. have two kids age 9 and 7. cannot leave them as their future is important than my relations with mother, brothers and sister. I earn she spends, she does not do any job she just likes to makeup and dressing. every morning she spends about 45 minutes in front of mirror before she goes to school to drop kids, then she watches TV , goes town and cook food. I only want to speak freely to my mother (at least) . I do not need any friends, this has been going about 15 years now......I personally think that .....I will try to talk to everyone and hide from her.....or I find another women and start flirting.or I should start drinking and go to prostitutes, to punish her (without letting her know) or I suicide..............I am 40 year old .....she is not doing right ,,,,,, I do not have any women friend, and I never had any but she does not trust..... 12 years ago she started saying that I had sexual relationship with my Sister !!!!! and because of this reason she forced me stop talking to my sister. I am in the situation where dont know what to do...she sends money to her parents ( my money which I earn with hard work) but after my father's death my mother did not have any money ...she does not allow me to send 1/4th of her parents amount. I just had a fight over my friends msg , because I replied she said I have opened a new facebook on my phone in the form or Whatsup. I have now broken my phone and do not want to have phone .I do not want to leave my kids as they need me ... -will the follwoing be good to do-without letting her know. it will be unethical but what can I do....- start sending money to my mother-start talking to mom on whatsup so can see her face.-buy a new phone and phone number and use it when outside from home.- start making friends - even women.- do everything when outside of home.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2006): My friend i am in the exact same situation as you but i have bit the bullet so to speak and finally decided that enough is enough.You see i have a 18 month old child and a child on the way (i was kidding my self if i though that this would save our relationship by having a second child).My wife blackmailed me from the moment my first child was born and said if i had contact with my mother then she would leave me and i would never see my child again.I subsequently went 4 month without seeing my mum and decided that enough was enough and we compromised that i should only see my mum once a week and my child could see my mum once a month. Over a period of time my mum got to see my child more until it was once a week but all the time in the background her parents where seeing our child on a daily basis and basically being the primary carers due to my wife only trusting her parents.I have tolerated this now for 18 months and have had countless arguments which have involved her being violent to me. On one occasion she pushed me down stairs and shouted at me and called me all the names under the sun as i was laid in pain.I forgave her for all these things for my child and lived in hope that things would get better.Evn though my second child is not born yet i have left my wife due to the voilence and abuse that my son is withnessing from her and have finally got rid of her.She is now stopping me from seeing my children until i get a solicitor but she as always used my child as a weapon.The last thing she said to me was that i wanted to sleep with my own mother and i was a mummy's boy and all this because i saw my mum two times in one week.Your children deserve to see both parents happy and as one reader as rightfully said do you want your children to see you as a 15 year old teenager or there Dad.I would just like to say thank you to everyone who as given this man advice because it as helped me also but at present i am in so much pain myself.I will always have regrets and you probably will too either way if you stay or go but you need to do whats best for you and your children not your wife anymore.If she loves you she would accept what is natural and if she doesnt then she sill do what my wife is.At the end of the day i would rather be with someone who loved and accepted me for who i am and not something they have created.Good luck my friend in the future and stay strong i would love to talk to you because your case sounds so familiar but i have had enough you will too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2006): It seems like your wife is insecure in that she is worried that she will lose you to another woman when you go out, when, understandably, you want to see your friends and family from time to time. In fact, it is her very behaviour regarding this issue that is likely to be the catalyst for you leaving her, which seems like the very thing she doesn't want. I think you should explain to her how you feel in an assertive way and explain to her that she doesn't have the right to tell you who you can and cannot see. Be strong and start going out and seeing your friends and family again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2006): Your wife does this because you permit it. I think you tolerate your wife's behaviour out of a sense of duty, obligation, or your personal concept of family and to have some peace. Dear, it's wearing on your spirit and eroding your inner happiness, bit by bit. Something needs to be done. Remember, this is her problem, not yours. I think it's time to set boundries, gain a voice. Learn to say no to her.no yelling-just a calm, firm no, is necessary) If you want to see family and friends more often, go ahead and do it. Take your kids and see Grampa, Grandma, aunts, uncles. They will benefit. If the wife doesn't want to go-leave her at home. Learn to walk away and don’t let it bother you -her reaction has a lot more to do with her than it does with you. If she pushes you too much, I suggest you simply turn it around on her. . For example, “Why are you asking me to give up my family, my friends, my happiness, just so I can say yes to your request not to see them?” Dear, saying no isn’t easy, but it’s a required skill if you wish to have any degree of focus and sanity in your life...not to mention renewed self-respect. Marriage is compromise, reciprocation and negotiation. If you want to say yes to what’s really important to you, you must be prepared to hear yourself saying the word no, a lot more often. This might get her rethinking because I get a feeling her "threats to leave" are a smokescreen to keep you where she wants you. I do suggest she seek some individual counseling..it sounds like she has a whole whack of emotional problems, contributing to her being a 'control freak'. This isn't normal and I think you know that. You need to tell her, you are at the end of your tether. Be honest, open but remain calm, no matter how much she baits you. You have a right to happiness..your wife's behaviour's are preventing that. I can't tell you to leave or not leave..this will be something, that you will choose, in the end. But first, I would try to make her see how her behaviours are damaging to the well-being of you and your family. Married couples stand together in tough times..she's forgotten that concept. She needs to be reminded. Marriage counseling is also a sensible option if you want to get this marriage back on track.
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reader, willywombat  +, writes (9 February 2006):
 Sweetheart you sound as if you are a teenage boy kicking back against an overly harsh mother. You are a married adult man with needs and wants and quite frankly this woman you swore to love when you took your vows when you married is treating you like some misbehaving 15 year old.
Take a look back at what you said *she tells me I cause rows cos I don't accept what she says* - and why the hell should you? If you don't agree tell her so, she obviously cannot stand to think you have a mind of your own!
Why don't you just go to the gym? What will she do if you did? Are you just caving in to her oppresive behaviour for a quiet life? You have to stand up for yourself.....
I may sound harsh, but saying you are staying for the kids is a cop out. Do you want your kids to grow up seeing you cowed in a relationship that is supposed to be a partnership? Do you want them to unconciously imitate this behaviour when they are adults in relationships of their own? NO of course you don't!!
If a friend came to you in the same situation, what advice would you offer him or her?
I suggest you TELL your wife this has GOT to STOP. I suggest if you wish to save this marriage then YOU go about organising marriage/realtionship guidance counselling and go - even if she choses not to join you. At least talking face to face with a professional will allow you to understand how you got into this intolerable situation and just how you can get out of it.
Honey, I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you manage to find happiness.
Good Luck. xxx
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reader, smeedle +, writes (9 February 2006):
 This woman is not your wife she is your prison gaurd.
This is not good for you or the kids, she is clearly a dictator who is very insacure, she want you all to herself and you must not be shared.
Right well lets work through this,
You are starting to believe what she say`s and she is wrong, it is fine, healthy and normal to see your family and nothing or no one should stop this happening, if she does not want to see them with you then fine just go visit with the kids.
Your relationship with your family and friends does not sound un-natural to me, if they dictated your life like she does then yes that would not be right, and please remember when she is gone from your life it is your family and friends you will look towards for comfort and support.
My friend you have become scarred of this woman and she is scarrey she has worked on you to take you apart bit by bit over those 6 years, she bosses you around and just rides roughshod over your feelings, at this point I would normally advice talking to her but this has gone beyond that, you have tried that and she just puts you down.
You know what you have to do, leave the harridan and find a nice loving woman to share the rest of your life with, one who understands that marriage is a partnership not a life sentence with hard labour.
Is there a chance that you could take the kids, would they be better off with them, what kind of a mother is she and what kind of a mother do you think she will be when they are teenagers and want friends, will she be as possessive and controlling of them as she is of you ?
If this is not possible and they are to stay with her then sort out maintanance and proper acess, do this via a solicitor, do not make any childcare arrangments without legal advice, and talk to the kids, stay in touch and be a dad even if it is from another place.
Have a row with her, stand up to her and let the witch walk, something has made her like this but the time for finding out why and putting it right has gone, she does need a councillor and maybe as you part you could give her that bit of wisdom.
Good luck, stay focused and become your own person again, you only have one life, live it!!
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (9 February 2006):
 My my, talk about being controlling!! I feel that its only fair if you know that judging from your post here, you are the victim...so please STOP laying yourself on a guilt trip here. Shes been using your children and your love for her as an excuse to control you! You see, sometimes if you give in too much from the start, these things tend to happen, but whatever it is Im not here to lecture you, so lets help you out here. Firstly, I honestly think you should lay the cards out right in front of her! Explain and tell her how you're feeling right now (as how you've just told us here) and that she CANNOT use the children and your love for her as a reason to tie you down physically and mentally anymore!!...and that you're not willing to put up with her anymore if she doesnt start changing. You have to be stern and strong here. Trust me, your children will understand your situation!! If after having sit her down and told her all these, she still does things her way, its time to put your words into action! Walk out the door and then maybe by then, she'll start to realise what shes done.
Dont get me wrong, Im not encouraging the idea of you leaving your wife, but when someone robs you away from the things and people you hold dearest to your heart (apart from your wife of course as shes the culprit here), you have to stand up for what you believe in! Your parents, brothers and sisters are just as important to you as your wife and children are and nothing should ever change that fact. Shame on whoever who tries to do that! Good luck!
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reader, Listerning Angel +, writes (9 February 2006):
I think you need to get out of there personally. I understand that you have children, but you shouldn't stay together just for there sake, because its un healthy for them. My parents stayed together for me and my sister but split in the end And im so pleased they did cause i hated all the rows. I spent half my life with my fingers in my ears and thats not good, it also made me a very nervous child. I thought marriages were about being equal and giving a bit and taking a bit. From what you say it sounds like your giving she taking and using threats to leave you if she doesn't gets what she wants. NO it isn't silly you have every right to see your family and friends. She shouldn't be so controling. It is not unhealthy to love your friends and family. It sounds like she has alot of herself to sort out she can't be like that with people and she is lucky that you have put up with it because the blokes i know wouldn't have. PLease Please get out of this before it brings you down to much. As long as you see your children regular and let them know its not there falt and that you will love them know matter what they will get through things. It will hurt them at first cause they are human, it did me but now that im older i feel im alot better for it and my mum and dad are good friends now and have been for a long time. And they are both very very happy with there new partners. If you feel you cant leave then she needs to get some sort of help to get rid of that controling streak, you could try counciling, but to me it sounds past that stage. But only you can truly decide what your heart tells you to do.
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