A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I found out about a year ago that my husband was having an affair. I was devestated. However we dealt with it and I forgave him. After he broke up with her, things were to my knowledge really good, and I felt like we were going to make it. However I found out a few months ago that they were back together - temporily due to her having a job transfer that was ending. I then found out that she is actually pregnant with his baby. She decieved him and told him that she was still taking the pill when she wasn't. Long story short, she is having his baby, he has chosen to stay with me and our children. He is struggling though because she doesn't want him to have anything to do with the child if he stays with me. And yet it is his child. So he hasn't fully broken it off with her because he's trying to work out the logistics (as amicably as possible) of raising this child that is coming into exsistence. I have made it very clear to him that I recognize that this is not the childs choice and that I will support him in supporting and loving the child (as I love him very much). I don't know how to get him to see that he shouldn't be continuing any relationship with the OW. I also don't want to kick him out because my children are too important to me and that will just mess with their stability. Kicking him out just doesn't feel right to me and yet I wonder if I need to just to make a point. I'm lost and don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): I am in the same situation, my husband started an affair with his Russian receptionist, a real predator, she already as far as I know got a Rolex for he 22nd birthday in Setptember 2007, lives in an apartment paid by him 3.500 pouns sterling per month. An apartment bought for her in shitland where she comes from and does not work now. I received calls from her while I was in hospital with pneumonia over Xmas, she told me "We are all laughing at yo. I am spending lots of money in Xmas shopping. Have a nice time too". Next one was to tell me she was going to have the baby I could never had,and take everything from me and leave in the street. Ha ha ha .Let her try. Anyway, the whore is pregnant now, and my husband came to see me for first time since November. He cried, begged me to forgive him and said I DON"T KNWO WHAT TO DO. I don't want to loose you" Well I know exactly what to do. Make the bitch to have an abortion and send her back to whatever brothel she came from. You may think I am being harsh. Well picture me in hospital with an oxygen mask over my face and tubes in an out of every possible place within my body spending Xmas, my birthday and New Year TOTALLY ALONE while they were In Paris for Xmas and Venice in New Year? nice huh? Well, Let's see who sees who in the street. If my imbecile husband decides he want to go ahead with this mess, he can keep the whore and his bastard. No way I will be as generous as you ladies, that child is innocent I agree, but, he is not mine, and I do not care in the list about him/her. Watch this space for the massive court battle that will fall on my pathetic/ immoral/ traitor husband. I am Spanish and this sort of thing is not something we take lightly. Traitors should be punished and he will be....soon very soon. His punishment will be to have the whore demanding more and more from him and to loose me. Poor little idiot, he though it was his devastating charm and good looks that attracted that whore to him. ha ha ha. IT WAS THE MONEY HONEY!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Hello. I am currently in a similar situation - my husband began an affair when I was 3-4 months pregnant, I found out when my son was 7 months old and cannot describe the depth of my heartbreak. My husband has shown deep remorse and has demonstated a renewed committment to me, our family and our marriage - however every day is a challenge as we try to rebuild the trust and closeness we once had. To make matters worse the OW is due to give birth any day now, to my husbands child - and like you I am filled with conflict around this. The OW has tried for months now to 'guilt trip' my husband about his "responsibility" as a father, despite knowing his view on her decision to keep this pregnancy from the outset (this OW is desperate to "remain friends" and is using the child as a pawn in my opinion). The fact that we have a beautiful son who my husband is very close to makes it difficult for him to reconcile fathering a child he did not "want" - and potentially having no contact with him/her. I know he is as distressed about how to handle this situation as I am. This is what we have decided. My husband has made it totally clear to the OW that he is happy with me and our family and has no intention of leaving. He has made it clear he does not wish to maintain any personal contact with her. He has communicated his regret that the affair happened at all, and that there is now an innocent child stuck in the middle. He has told her that she has two choices;1. Raise the child on her own, with no contact with his/her father. Although this may seem harsh - the child's well-being needs to be paramount, and the OW can say a number of things about the child's conception to offset feelings of rejection.Lets face it -any child hearing it was conceived in this way and that the father didn't want it is going to be hurt, so hopefully the OW will put the child first and make up some other scenario - eg: donor, one night stand etc. We also thought alot about the concept of being a "father" - in this situation my husband did not make a choice to be one - he is in effect a sperm donor. He did not support the OW choice to go ahead with the pregancy, he has not been involved at all in the pregnancy, he won't be involved in the birth. In our opinion a "father" is so much more than biology, so on some level my husband and I do not see him as this child's "father" - perhaps this is a way for both of us to reconcile his not being involved at all? (NB: this is not ignoring the fact he should have used protection and avoided this mess in the first place - he takes responsibility for that). 2. Let US (our family)have contact with the child - so he/she grows up knowing not only his/her father but me and my son...and is part of our extended family. My husband has been very clear that he is not seperate from me, and will not be so in relation to this child. I stand by this and like you - will never "blame" the child for the actions of my husband and this OW.We have talked and talked about this sitution - and feel that the key thing is to ensure that this woman is not able to "play games" and impact on our relationship or our family ANYMORE - so we have laid it on the line and the decision is now hers. If she decides she wants my husband to be involved with the child - then we will take the hard steps and tell our extended family what has happened - and we will somehow make introducing this child into our family work. I am far from forgetting or even forgiving my husband, and I still carry incredible anger towards the OW - however, I have hope that my marriage will recover - I love my husband and I believe he loves me. If anything positive has come from this vile situation it is that we now know how much each of us wants to stay together. I have also decided that I am not going to allow this OW - who has never given a thought to what her actions have done to me - to steal my future....she has taken so much already but that is all she gets. I hope this is of some help/comfort. I sincerly hope your situation will be resolved and that you will be happy once again. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, mama2three  +, writes (31 December 2007):
 First off, I would suggest a paternity test ASAP :) Right after the baby is born, ask for one. And secondly, he is the FATHER, he has rights too!! He can have a paternity test ordered on the baby, I know here if it's court ordered they have to comply, so if she's saying it's not his baby, therefore has no visitation rights, he can do that and prove her wrong. He would then probably be responsible for some kind of child support, and if that's what you guys want, that's great!
I don't think you should kick him out, though. I have to say that you are doing a wonderful thing in being so understanding that this is not the child's fault. Some people just don't get that, the child is the innocent in all of this, s/he shouldn't be punished!
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (31 December 2007):
 Wow. That is some problem. The only thing that jumps out at me, though, is the last part, where you say kicking him out doesn't feel right, but you wonder if you need to make a point.
Ummm, no.
You don't need to make any more points. He screwed up royally and knows it. Whether or not you want him in your life, you work that out independently of the OW. Either way, don't let that OW have any bearing on your life than she already does.
You are to be commended for your right and just views, regarding the baby. Poor thing ... born into this mess, through no fault of his/her own.
This is the deal. IF the OW wants any financial assistance with regard to the child, doesn't she have to list your husband on the birth certificate? If so, than he has some leverage, with regard to visitation, regardless of her opinion. Women are always demanding paternity tests; could he do the same, saying that if it's his child, he wants to be involved? I would think the courts would LOVE to hear that a man wants to support his child (if it's his child).
I do feel there is something more though ...
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