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His mistress is pregnant and is threatening-- that my husband cannot see his child if he remains with me!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Marriage problems, Pregnancy, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 December 2007) 16 Answers - (Newest, 17 August 2010)
A female Australia age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I found out about a year ago that my husband was having an affair. I was devestated. However we dealt with it and I forgave him. After he broke up with her, things were to my knowledge really good, and I felt like we were going to make it. However I found out a few months ago that they were back together - temporily due to her having a job transfer that was ending. I then found out that she is actually pregnant with his baby. She decieved him and told him that she was still taking the pill when she wasn't. Long story short, she is having his baby, he has chosen to stay with me and our children. He is struggling though because she doesn't want him to have anything to do with the child if he stays with me. And yet it is his child. So he hasn't fully broken it off with her because he's trying to work out the logistics (as amicably as possible) of raising this child that is coming into exsistence. I have made it very clear to him that I recognize that this is not the childs choice and that I will support him in supporting and loving the child (as I love him very much). I don't know how to get him to see that he shouldn't be continuing any relationship with the OW. I also don't want to kick him out because my children are too important to me and that will just mess with their stability. Kicking him out just doesn't feel right to me and yet I wonder if I need to just to make a point. I'm lost and don't know what to do.

View related questions: affair, broke up, mistress, the pill

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010):

I will pray for your continued strength and guidance. You have been dating your boyfriend for a while. Do you plan to get married? Do you have children with him? No one can be judgemental. No one can tell you to walk away. Only you know your circumstance to do that. But, if you are single, not married, and have no children. You really don't have to subject yourself to this life. You have no ties to this man. Yes, love runs deep and it is hard to let go. But, you have not mentioned anything about marriage. The committment and faith you have shown with him would be the perfect foundation for a married couple. You most certainly are a christian. We are all sinners however, it is not only the repentence of things we have done wrong that heals us, it is the decision to make better choices too. If there are no connections to this young man except your love.....If you were my family member I would ask that you pack up your love and all that goodness you have inside and leave. Keep the commandments as much as you can...again, we are all sinners none of us are perfect. But, start today living a better, christian life for yourself..even if that means alone. If you and your BF have children, then why wouldnt he marry you and give you the place in his life as his wife? Just living with someone gives you nothing. If you have children and he died tomorrow (GOD for bid) what do you and your children have? Best wishes to you. Know that you really have a lot of love in you. Share it with someone one who feels the same for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010):

I am going through a similar situation myself. My bf of 3 yrs was cheating on me with a co-worker of his(and mine) & boy has life changed since that fateful decision. At first, he denied ever touching her(as most men do) & pretty much had me going crazy over what to believe. She was pregnant while @ work until about 6 months I think when she got fired. The whole time she was telling everyone it was her husband's child so eventually I let it go & decided to move on with life. About 3 months after she gave birth, my bf breaks down & tells me she wanted a dna test cause she think its his. If it wasn't for my God working with me & the spirit guiding my thoughts & me discovering my spirituality I CAN NOT have only forgave him but had to consul him while he told me he was using drugs to cope with this & had contemplated suicide. I was shocked & hurt but my mentality was different @ that point in my life cause I knew who I was & nothing could destroy me w/o my permission. The son is now one & he introduced him to his family on christmas when he was 4 months I think. I will not lie IT HURTS. Not only the lies & act but his family accepting the child, being friendly with her, feeling like I'm the outcast, feeling like I'm the bad guy. But God still works with me & I know you have to put your feelings aside & be rational even though its hard. That's his child, that's his mother's grandson & his first boy. Its their family member & whether I'm with him or not they have to chose to accept him. I still struggle with my emotions but it gets better as you work on it & surrender to it. My bf loves me very much & I'm surprised @ how far he will go to please me & how much passion he feels for me. But I wish he wouldve realized what he had but u can't live in the past. He regrets his choice & struggles with it everyday. I love him but I've told him if I can't deal with this no more I will leave & he understands but feels hurt by that. Its not something for everyone & I applaud any couple who can survive it & thrive! Its possible but takes patience, prayer, hard work & unconditional love cause it will get rocky. I must say though I am such a stronger woman & my I learned so much about myself & ppl & God & how to realize your true strength. It was almost like a push to a new awakening & understand that few humans will ever know. I don't

Address the OW, I tired to be nice & out of jealously & ignorance she disrespected me so I don't acknowledge her. I do pray for her & smile at her & hold my head up when I see her. I pray God blesses her with a new heart but for all I know her higher power could be doing that now. Be patient, laugh, surround yourself with ppl who love you, pamper yourself, pray, journal, practice forgiveness & hold your head up high- with that attitude u can overcome & MOVE MOUNTAINS! ;)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

I wonder as a man, how do you feel about the mistress? Are you angry with her? Do you still have feelings for her, or is all of that gone away by the way she acted? Women are so different because we usually have emotional affairs. Not necessarily for the sex, but the attention. I would imagine it would be harder for a woman to let go of the affair. I just wonder if men think that way. Or, once it is over, then it is over.

I don't understand why the mistress if her concern is for the welfare of her child, then why wouldnt she want the family involved. Why did you have to go to such lengths to have your family involved? I know women, we can be bitter. But at the end of the day and its over between you. It seem they would wisen up and make better choices for the child

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

Thank you so much for the advice. It is a shame that when you try to turn yourself around and do the right thing, you can then see clearly that the person doing the dead with you really is no good and your family is the one that would be there for you through the thick and thin.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

Thank you so much for the advice. It is a shame that when you try to turn yourself around and do the right thing, you can then see clearly that the person doing the dead with you really is no good and your family is the one that would be there for you through the thick and thin.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010):

I am a man who cheated on his wife. I ended the affair and months later was contacted by the other woman and told she was 7 months pregnant. My wife has been wonderful but immediately when I told the mom I wanted to stay married and have a relationship with my daughter she started making accusations about my wife. First I had to sue to take the paternity test.Before the courts ruled anything she allowed me to visit at daycare but only without my wife. I could go on and on. She accused my 6 year old son of hurting the baby telling the hospital he was autistic. Anyway I have created a living hell for my family and they have all been great. My wife my 2 step-daughters and my son all love my daughter and look forward to her visits. My advice is go to court and fight for that baby and let it have the love it deserves from both parents. It won't be easy noe cheap but will be worth it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010):

My husband had an affair that will produce a child. I decided to stay in my marriage. My husband no longer has a relationship with the other woman. She knew from the beginning that he was married and that he had no intention in leaving his family. At the beginning of the affair she became pregnant. He told her that he and his wife wanted to be in the childs life. She doesnt want the wife around the child at all when it is born. She only wants the husband involved. He said he wanted to be a part of the childs life but could only do it if his wife was involved. He knows that having the affair was a mistake. He does not want to continue to live a life of lies and deceipt but he wouldnt be involved if his wife couldnt be with him. Any advice on what can be done? If she doesnt agree to a paternity test that proves he is the father he can't go to court to get visitation. Should the husband just walk away? I really don't want this thing lingering over our heads for months and months and possibly years until she decides to change her mind.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010):

Oh my Gosh, I am not the only wife that this has happened to! I don't feel so alone anymore.

First of all, to the mistress who did not know her husband was married - you are not to be blamed or resented in my opinion. This is just as heartbreaking for you as it is the wife. Perhaps mistresses who get pregnant are not always evil, and don't do it on purpose, and are sorry for the bad choices they made. For those, forgiveness and support is well deserved. It will go alot further if they ask forgiveness to ALL the people they hurt (the wife, kids, families, etc.) Show me a mistress who will do that, and I'll give you my respect and support.

My experience was otherwise in 2 cases. I had a friend who purposefully got pregnant with a married man because she wanted his baby. She gave him no choice. She now cannot understand why he wants nothing to do with her and the child and why he doesn't give her money. I love my friend, but I don't respect her. Yes he was wrong and I hope he has changed. But she was wrong too and she owes him, her child, and that wife a major apology as well.

The other case is myself. The other woman aggressively pursued my husband, blackmailed him with threats to break up our marriage by telling me if he didn't continue to sleep with her, entrapped him with a baby with lies about birth control, passed HPV on to me and lied about having it, continued to blackmail him (all emotionally with threats of breaking up his marriage), became extremely involved with his family as she knew them through the same workplace. My husband is NOT an innocent victim. He did have problems though and has gotten professional and spiritual help to understand WHY he allowed it to happen and how to never let it happen again. He has apologized to all parties involved including the skank who went after him. She has taken no responsibility. She has cussed my husband for not leaving me and bad mouthed him to all, including his family who now defends her. She now plays the innocent victim. She is suing him for a great deal of money and not responding to requests for visitation. It is a horrible thing she has done to him, to us and to his family and now has brought a poor innocent baby into the mess. She was selfish and does not take accountability. God will punish her if that is appropriate. After all, she needs to get help to understand why she would have such low self-esteem to do those things as well.

All we can do now is learn from it, thank God for the good that is in our lives, and use this to make our marriage stronger. Let me tell you. It ain't easy. It does take a strong woman, but it also takes a very committed man to take the heat he has taken and keep driving to fix the mess he has created. It takes alot of work and a complete mind-change to address his negative self image and self respect to become the man he really wants to be. He has to take all of my pain, anger, ups and downs and love me more with every episode. The episodes get further and further apart, and less and less dramatic, but they do still exist. We can even laugh about them at times. We look back at how far we've come and he thanks God and me everyday for allowing him to learn how to be a better man. I admire him for the courage he has had to endure such ignominy and disgrace and the accountability he takes for it. And all the while he gives me all the credit. If she would do even half or a quarter of this, I could at least then respect her. Now she is not worthy of it.

So good can come from bad but God it is so painful...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009):

I am that other woman. I was having a relationship with a man who was having an affair with me. He convinced me that he was divorced and even introduced me to his mother, bothers and sisters.. I even slept over at his house with whom he shared with his sister (turns out it was his sisters house that he was using to create the illusion with me) We spoke about marriage all the time, and he suggested we have a baby. I thought it through for about 7 months, and finally agreed that we could have a baby.

Shortly after my confirmation of pregnancy, he started becoming strange, not visiting as much, calling as much etc... I thought he was nervous and decided to call off the relationship as I did not want to go through a stressful relaitonship. when my baby was a year old, I found out that he is married. I was completely devastated. How could the man I loved so completely do that to me? To my child? To my family - whom he was a welcomed part of.

People often say that the OW tries playing mind games and so forth by not letting him see the child. My decision to not let this man see my child was initially out of anger and hurt, but now I don't allow him to see my child because of the type of person he is. I do not want my child exposed to a man who cares so little for his wife and other children that he would create such an uncomfortable position for them. What sort of uncomfortable positions would he create for my child? What sort of morals and values would he instill in my child? his wife called me to confirm the news she heard, that's when I found out about his marital status, and she was very nice over the phone, and knew that her husband was capable of such malice.

I just thank god every day for my beautiful intelligent little girl, and that she's healthy and well loved and acepted in my family. I do not want her to visit her father and his family, because of the possible ill-treatment she would get from them. A woman scorned may be nice over the phone, but take it out on the child. he is finaicially contributing to her life, because at the end of the day, its the law. He's now trying to get visitation rights, which I will fight tooth and nail for him not to get, and if he does, he'll never see the child anyway. You cannot go around destrying people's lives.

For all the married women out there with husbands who have mistresses, have you ever considered what lies your man is telling this woman for her to be in his life? Have you ever considered that you're the one sleeping with the cheat. the one thing I thank God for is that I discovered the truth, and let him go. I'd much rather have his wife sit with a man that she'll never trust again (it's apparantly the 3rd child he has out of his marriage) than for me to sit with him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009):

Ok, this post is old, but I have to answer...

I'm going to ask a question? Why is it that the mistress gets all the blame? Now, I've been a betrayed spouse, and I know I cannot stand the little tramp that my ex-husband was fooling around with. But, I was also in a relationship with someone who had another girlfriend (now, I didn't know that at the time)and we had a baby together. (Planned, by the way).

Well, once she found out, when our daughter was about six months old, he went crawling back to her and they married about a month after she discovered this.

She refuses to let him have anything to do with our daughter. After finding out what a lying scumbag he really is, I am thrilled she took him back! Better her than me. But, she is hell- bent on believing somehow I forced him into having a relationship with me! I'm sure that nothing he has told her has been even close to the truth, and she and I have never spoken.

So, though in your situation it's very, very wrong that this woman is harrassing you and making threats, which I don't blame you for being angry about, where is your husband's responsibility in this? Why wouldn't you kick him out? For your kids sake? So, it's better for them to have a lying, cheating father?

Now, I know people can work out their problems, so I'm not blaming you for that, but there's A LOT of work involved on re-establishing that trust again. It won't be done overnight.

In this case as well... he's PRETENDING to still have a relationship with her?! All that's going to do is make things a million times worse! And, how do you know it's pretend? He's proven himself to be a liar once, how do you know he's not burning the candle at both ends and telling the both of you what you want to hear?

Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just trying to have you see this from all perspectives...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008):

I am in a very similiar situation. I stumbled on this forum looking for answers myself and some of the comments has really helped me out. My husband had an on and off 10 year affair and out of the affair are two children. I am really trying to be supportive of him seeing the children; however, I find it very difficult.

How do I accept these children as a part of my family if the OW doesn't want them to even come close to me or my children. The only way she will allow him to see the children is if goes where she is located. I really don't think that it is fair that she makes the demands on how and when he can see the children. He feels really torn because I am home stating that in order for him to see the children I will have to be a part of their lives too if he wants me to accept them and then she's on the other hand saying that he'll never see them if he brings me or my children around "her" children. He feels torn because he loves children and it hurts him that he can't see them the way that he wants.

He didnt plan these children with her. she lied about being on BC with one and she poked holes in the protection the second time. she hid her pregnancy both times and informed him that the babies were his the day that they were born.

so being the supportive wife, I swallowed my pride and stubborness and encouraged him to go and see the children w/o me and my children. It hurts everytime he tells me that he's going to visit them. I just feel that if I don't give him my permission and hide my pain then he'll just sneak off to see them and that'll make matters worst than they already are.

as long as he thinks that I am supportive of him then he is happy and loves me even more for being so understanding. I just feel that one day all of this will work it way out and we'll both be happy. But right now, I just take a deep breat and hope for the best. Afterall, the situation could have been worst.

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A female reader, Same Situation United States +, writes (17 August 2008):

I too was in a similar situation. I am married with 3 children. When my youngest was 2 years old, my husband had a child with another woman. I felt like I had been hit with a concrete block. The "other woman" calculating plotted to destroy my marriage; she even scheduled her cesarean for my daughter's birthday.

I later learned that she completely disregarded her 11 year old son's desire for her to stop seeing a married man, not to mention the example she set for her 16 year old daughter. Her selfishness was overwhelmed only by her complete disregard for her own children.

I could not allow her to ruin the family life of my children. My husband and I worked on staying together. She was in disbelief when my husband told her that I knew about the child, and that we were staying together. Our attorney filed for 50% custody which she certainly did not expect. She was utterly distraught with the idea of me having her child 50% of the time. Both she and her child have disappeared.

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A female reader, Same Situation United States +, writes (17 August 2008):

I too was in a similar situation. I am married with 3 children. When my youngest was 2 years old, my husband had a child with another woman. I felt like I had been hit with a concrete block. The "other woman" plotted to destroy my marriage; she even scheduled her cesarean for my daughter's birthday.

I later learned that she completely disregarded her 11 year old son's desire for her to stop seeing a married man, not to mention the example she set for her 16 year old daughter. Her selfishness was overwhelmed only by her complete disregard for her own children.

I could not allow her to ruin the family life of my children. My husband and I worked on staying together. She was in disbelief when my husband told her that I knew about the child, and that we were staying together. Our attorney filed for 50% custody which she certainly did not expect. She was utterly distraught with the idea of me having her child 50% of the time. Both she and her child have disappeared.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008):

I am in the same situation, my husband started an affair with his Russian receptionist, a real predator, she already as far as I know got a Rolex for he 22nd birthday in Setptember 2007, lives in an apartment paid by him 3.500 pouns sterling per month. An apartment bought for her in shitland where she comes from and does not work now. I received calls from her while I was in hospital with pneumonia over Xmas, she told me "We are all laughing at yo. I am spending lots of money in Xmas shopping. Have a nice time too". Next one was to tell me she was going to have the baby I could never had,and take everything from me and leave in the street. Ha ha ha .Let her try. Anyway, the whore is pregnant now, and my husband came to see me for first time since November. He cried, begged me to forgive him and said I DON"T KNWO WHAT TO DO. I don't want to loose you" Well I know exactly what to do. Make the bitch to have an abortion and send her back to whatever brothel she came from. You may think I am being harsh. Well picture me in hospital with an oxygen mask over my face and tubes in an out of every possible place within my body spending Xmas, my birthday and New Year TOTALLY ALONE while they were In Paris for Xmas and Venice in New Year? nice huh? Well, Let's see who sees who in the street. If my imbecile husband decides he want to go ahead with this mess, he can keep the whore and his bastard. No way I will be as generous as you ladies, that child is innocent I agree, but, he is not mine, and I do not care in the list about him/her. Watch this space for the massive court battle that will fall on my pathetic/ immoral/ traitor husband. I am Spanish and this sort of thing is not something we take lightly. Traitors should be punished and he will be....soon very soon. His punishment will be to have the whore demanding more and more from him and to loose me. Poor little idiot, he though it was his devastating charm and good looks that attracted that whore to him. ha ha ha. IT WAS THE MONEY HONEY!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008):

Hello. I am currently in a similar situation - my husband began an affair when I was 3-4 months pregnant, I found out when my son was 7 months old and cannot describe the depth of my heartbreak.

My husband has shown deep remorse and has demonstated a renewed committment to me, our family and our marriage - however every day is a challenge as we try to rebuild the trust and closeness we once had. To make matters worse the OW is due to give birth any day now, to my husbands child - and like you I am filled with conflict around this. The OW has tried for months now to 'guilt trip' my husband about his "responsibility" as a father, despite knowing his view on her decision to keep this pregnancy from the outset (this OW is desperate to "remain friends" and is using the child as a pawn in my opinion). The fact that we have a beautiful son who my husband is very close to makes it difficult for him to reconcile fathering a child he did not "want" - and potentially having no contact with him/her. I know he is as distressed about how to handle this situation as I am.

This is what we have decided.

My husband has made it totally clear to the OW that he is happy with me and our family and has no intention of leaving. He has made it clear he does not wish to maintain any personal contact with her. He has communicated his regret that the affair happened at all, and that there is now an innocent child stuck in the middle. He has told her that she has two choices;

1. Raise the child on her own, with no contact with his/her father. Although this may seem harsh - the child's well-being needs to be paramount, and the OW can say a number of things about the child's conception to offset feelings of rejection.Lets face it -any child hearing it was conceived in this way and that the father didn't want it is going to be hurt, so hopefully the OW will put the child first and make up some other scenario - eg: donor, one night stand etc. We also thought alot about the concept of being a "father" - in this situation my husband did not make a choice to be one - he is in effect a sperm donor. He did not support the OW choice to go ahead with the pregancy, he has not been involved at all in the pregnancy, he won't be involved in the birth. In our opinion a "father" is so much more than biology, so on some level my husband and I do not see him as this child's "father" - perhaps this is a way for both of us to reconcile his not being involved at all? (NB: this is not ignoring the fact he should have used protection and avoided this mess in the first place - he takes responsibility for that).

2. Let US (our family)have contact with the child - so he/she grows up knowing not only his/her father but me and my son...and is part of our extended family. My husband has been very clear that he is not seperate from me, and will not be so in relation to this child. I stand by this and like you - will never "blame" the child for the actions of my husband and this OW.

We have talked and talked about this sitution - and feel that the key thing is to ensure that this woman is not able to "play games" and impact on our relationship or our family ANYMORE - so we have laid it on the line and the decision is now hers. If she decides she wants my husband to be involved with the child - then we will take the hard steps and tell our extended family what has happened - and we will somehow make introducing this child into our family work.

I am far from forgetting or even forgiving my husband, and I still carry incredible anger towards the OW - however, I have hope that my marriage will recover - I love my husband and I believe he loves me. If anything positive has come from this vile situation it is that we now know how much each of us wants to stay together. I have also decided that I am not going to allow this OW - who has never given a thought to what her actions have done to me - to steal my future....she has taken so much already but that is all she gets.

I hope this is of some help/comfort. I sincerly hope your situation will be resolved and that you will be happy once again. Good luck.

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A female reader, mama2three United States +, writes (31 December 2007):

mama2three agony auntFirst off, I would suggest a paternity test ASAP :) Right after the baby is born, ask for one. And secondly, he is the FATHER, he has rights too!! He can have a paternity test ordered on the baby, I know here if it's court ordered they have to comply, so if she's saying it's not his baby, therefore has no visitation rights, he can do that and prove her wrong. He would then probably be responsible for some kind of child support, and if that's what you guys want, that's great!

I don't think you should kick him out, though. I have to say that you are doing a wonderful thing in being so understanding that this is not the child's fault. Some people just don't get that, the child is the innocent in all of this, s/he shouldn't be punished!

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