A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im 19/f and my boyfriend is 20/m we have been dating for nearly 4 months now, but to us it feels much much longer then that. We knew each other for 4 or so months before we even started dating, and back then, i fell for him the moment we met. Our relationship has been nothing short of some sort of beautiful dream, no fights, no problems, just love. He is my first boyfriend and serious relationship, however i am not his. I also lost my virginity to him and don't regret it one bit. my boyfriend has a lot of friends that are girls, most of which i met or knew about before we were dating. The thing is, even before we started dating, i knew that he liked me.. but what hurt me was that whilst he liked me...he was sleeping with his girl bestfriend. It kinda hurt, she fell in love with him, he told her it was only a friends with benefits sorta thing, and that there were no feelings on his end. His best friend even knew back when they were sleeping together that he liked me. I guess my own insecurities are why i cant let it go. She's so so so skinny and tiny compared to me, infact all of my boyfriends ex's and friends with benefits have been. and then theres just me. It hurts when im with my boyfriend and his bestfriend texts him or something just cause i know they used to sleep together. The other night i also found out at a party we were at together about another girl he slept with that i didnt know about, again before we were dating. finding this out killed me, especially when i already dont like her. but apperantly "every guy has to sleep with her because shes amazing in bed and knows all the moves". That part greatly upset me. I have always been self concious about how i perform in bed, especially cause hes had so much experience and well, he's my first. I told him how i felt about everything, and he got upset at me and himself. Things still arent the same, hes not being intimate with me anymore, not even cuddling me in bed like he used to always do...He even admitted to me that night that im not as good as his previous sexual partners, yet im the only person he wants to have sex with cause he loves me. but it hurts, it really does. its hard seeing the other girls, especially when i know that he used to be intimate with them too, and knowing that they're better in bed and skinnier then me. i just dont know how i can get over this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): Now that we've heard the politically correct answers, let's talk common sense. Your BF's sexual habits/values disgust you.
You aren't just bothered by the fact that there are other girls. You are bothered by the fact that you would never have made a lot of those same decisions in his place. This is not insecurity, this is your moral compass and your self-respect talking. This guy is not right for you and deep down you feel like you are cheapening yourself by giving yourself to him.
I think your sense of self-respect is correct. If you don't like what this guy does with his sexuality then don't lay down with him. There are other guys out there who are not doing what he did. What do you have to say to them while they sit at home wishing they had a girl like you?
A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 Sounds like he's all for you. He has a past you're going to have to accept and deal with. I don't think he's fwb is a problem that's why she's a fwb. He's moved on with you and she's having problems accepting it. Also I wouldn't make too much of an issue with he's female friends so much as it can weigh the relationship down-say it once, mean it and drop it. Always show him you care and as long as he isn't being secretive and elusive, you're pretty save and remember he choose you over them so he wants to be with you.
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A
male
reader, mrg123  +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Well your right, it is your insecurities. However, what he said about your performance in bed was, I think, a little cold and harsh though and the point is that he is obviously your first sexual partner, he may have experience but you dont and he should, rather than carping about it, be gently trying to guide and support you. So, I can imagine that hurting and you have my sympathy there.
When it comes to the other things though what you really do need to do is work on your self-image. He can't help having a past and since every indication, at least from what you tell us, is that he is faithful you cant really make an issue of it without being unfair to him. So, you need to work on that but he can help. You should tell him how your feeling and maybe it would help you to hear from him why he loves you sometimes, this will at least reassure you he does.
Other things you have to do for yourself. Only you can work on your self-image and learn to love yourself, it may sound cold, but you cant depend on him to do it because it wont work. You need to remember the positive things about yourself, maybe even list them etc, and try a bit of positive reinforcement. Maybe you need to talk to somebody if your poor self image is that ingrained. If there is an activity you can do to make yourself feel better about yourself do that, and look to your boyfriend for support, which he should give.
It will be a long process but with support and help (counselling if its really bad) then you will make it. Good luck and take care :)x
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor  +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Well he shouldn't expect you to be great at sex, you're very inexperienced. Instead what he should encourage is more communication when you two are being intimate. Let him know what you like, tell him to tell you what he likes, and work on making your sex life better.In regards to the other girls...it all boils down to trust. If he knew those girls (including his friend(s) with benefits) for a long time, especially before he met you, he may not be willing to X them out of his life, so you're going to have to sit down and talk with him. Mention to him that though it makes you feel uncomfortable that he's talking to those girls, you understand that he's allowed to have friends and some may be females, but you want to be able to trust him, and you want a strong and committed relationship. Let him know that you'll do all that you can on your part to make it work, and you would want the same in return. Remember to always communicate.Hope this helps! :^)
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