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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: So this is a really heartbreaking time for me. My OH and I have been together for almost 3 years. It was an epic love affair like in the movies, we really "get" one another and we have been through hell and back many times but we survived it all.We planned to get married next year. But now it is all gone. He is moving away tomorrow. His mother has cancer and he needs to look after her and he has been sick himself for some time (severe mental issues that sadly deteriorated) and needs hospitalization. He is going there where his family is because according to him I am the love of his life and he was reducing me to a nurse so he is going back to where there are people that can look after him so that he can in turn look after his mother. I knew that was happening for a month now. I also know it is for the best. I tried my best to help him but I can't. He claims he is coming back as soon as he is back on his feet but that could take a very long time. Up until now we kind of ignored it and we enjoyed the time we had left but now that I have said my goodbyes and read the letter he wrote me it suddenly hit me. None of us wants a long distance thing so we agreed to treat it as a break but he has every intention to stay in my life and I am not sure if I can handle that. I have no idea how to handle this. I am heartbroken and constantly being on the phone to him doesn't feel like a break. I love him to bits and the thought that I may never be able to hold his hand again disturbs me. The thought of him possibly meeting someone else there makes me sick to my stomach. I hated the goodbye scene it was awkward and left so many things unfinished. Worst part is since we are still in love and he has been a very decent guy I do not have any resentment or anger to distract me. Just a sense of loss. How can I possibly handle this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): Wiseowl. OP here. I just felt the need to thank you so very much for taking time to craft such a helpful, beautiful response. I wanted you to know that I appreciate it more than you know. You are right. My emotions are all over the place. As well as my lover he was/is my best and closest friend. The person who knows my secrets, my mannerisms, who can read my moods and who in spite of his illness always looked out for me and gave me more than love. It is true, I have been through breakups before. I just never in my life was connected to another human being this way. I will probably fix my life but I honestly think I will never stop caring for him. I am very very sorry to hear about your wife's passing. What I am going through now doesn't even begin to compare. It is painful but I want him to get healthy and be happy even if I am not in his life. And he is alive and he has a chance. He is also devastated. He doesn't think it is the end of us which doesn't help me at all. He wanted me to go with him but that was equally absurd. I do plan to end all contact with him (I can really really not be just his friend) though it is going to be so very difficult. I will need a lot of time to recover. I will tell him my decision as soon as he is back to his country. He is already an emotional wreck with the move so I don't want him to think about it until he is safely with his family. Also I thought of writing his mom privately to explain why I need distance.I seriously do not want her to think I am abandoning him at the height of his illness. She loves me and is convinced we belong together. She asked me to be patient and he will return to me but this is also unhealthy and making things difficult. Do you think it is a terrible idea? Anyway, seriously, thank you so much for sharing your story and taking the time to help a stranger in a difficult situation. I appreciate it very very much. I wish you all the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): First, I want to say how sorry I am to read your story.
You must allow yourself to detach; as anyone would, after a divorce or a breakup. When circumstances are not conducive to a thriving relationship; we wisely let them go. It isn't supposed to be easy. He meant a lot to you, and it is a great loss. Love was involved; therefore, you will suffer grief. I support you and agree that an LDR would be stressful for the both of you. You deserve to move on, and find love again.
You will always wonder what could have been if he never left. He will always be in your heart. Maintaining contact at this point will delay the detachment process. You need to go no contact in order for release to begin. The process to move on is a lengthy, agonizing, and highly emotional
experience. You'll be told by others to stay in-touch and use social media. Then how will you move on as long as you heart is still attached? Make them explain to you how it will work if they should suggest you keep in touch. I don't give advice without fully explaining why and how. On what logic I base my opinion.
You don't forget, you just learn to accept the separation. You heal, and then you are able to resume your life and seek healthy relationships. Which you truly deserve.
The love of my life died. That's not the same. I know the finality of my situation. It's different for you. You know he is alive somewhere. However; you must let go and not punish yourself trying to hold-on. Allowing desperation to dictate that you do things that will only traumatize you, or wear you down emotionally. You must be psychologically fit to resume seeking and maintaining new relationships.
I have reached that point, and you will too. I met someone, that failed. I've met someone else, and it's great so far. Life goes on.
It takes time to reach the point where I am; but I have to encourage you. By letting you know that you made a wise decision; and it is the best one for you mentally and emotionally. You may want to marry someday, and to start a family. You need reasonable healing time, and that cannot be rushed. Recovery can be accelerated by allowing your mind to undergo the mental processes of letting go. You release him to get on with his life and chosen responsibilities. He has made his decision for his future.
You did not fit into that landscape.
Expect to be on an emotional roller-coaster for sometime.
Up one minute, and down the next. You will burst into tears out of nowhere, and you will be depressed some days. That is how the mind and body reacts to grief. The mental withdrawal reaction that the mind and body goes through when undergoing the emotional detachment process. You're in your thirties; so you've surely broken up with someone before. You survived it.
Don't let what you're feeling now deceive you into thinking you'll always feel like this. If you've ever lost a family member to death, you know that grief isn't permanent, once your mind accepts the loss. You never forget the love and you never stop grieving. It just doesn't dominate your emotions as time passes.
Fight to get through it with everything you've got. Take extra good care of yourself. Even when you feel like just giving up. Grief and depression will work to get the better of you. So you have to force your mind to resist it. Allow emotions to flow, just don't submit to being incapacitated by them. If depression doesn't subside, seek counseling.
Talk to your mother as often as you can. It is good therapy; because you know there's love behind it. They know us, and how to reach into our sadness and comfort us better than anyone. Provided you're on good terms. It's times like these you'll regret you can't turn to her; if you've been estranged due to differences. Good time to rebuilt bridges, if you viciously tore them down. You get only one mother.
Work, play, spend time with your friends, pamper yourself, and try not to obsess on your relationship. Sometimes they must end, and life goes on. You'll find someone else. All this is in the future; so don't expect anything I say now to change how you feel as you're reading this. However; in my heart I know what you're feeling, so my words are coming from the right place. I've been there.
Spend time with your family for the comfort only family can provide. Friends will take care of you and fill your loneliness. Don't dwell on him. You have a life, and that is where your energies must be redirected. I had to do that myself. During suffering, we see time as the enemy. Well, time has a healing-effect, and we don't realize that until we come out on the other side.
God bless and keep you, dear lady.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): I don't understand…why can't you "do the long distance thing"?
My BF and I have been long-distance for ~6 months and it will be that way for another year, but I know that it's worth it!
Also, as far as his mental health goes, I really think he should see a counselor.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (26 September 2014):
 I love the drama in all this.... and can't get past the belief that all you've written has been staged by the likes of Steven Spielberg or Alfred Hitchcock......
C'mon.... life is life. If you and this guy will have to part ways... then that is the "hand" that life has dealt to you (and him).... and YOU have to accept it and say (to yourself): "Oh, crap, that sure sucked... but I guess I might as well go on and have the rest of my life....."
Good luck.....
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