A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing someone for 3 months. We have been taking it very slowly but the past 3 weeks things have been progressing more and I have met his mother and a couple of his friends.The other day we were talking about New Year’s Eve. Originally we had planned to go away to a town that we like that is about a ten hour drive from our city but then we decided that we wouldn’t go for various reasons. He said that he doesn’t care what we do as long as he is with me on NYE that is all the he wants even if that means just staying in and watching a movie or having dinner. Then, on Christmas night I came over to his house and he told me that he was actually going away in a couple of days to the place we had originally planned to go to after all because his friends are going to be there and he really wants to see them while they are in the country. He said he really wants me to come. I was really disappointed about this because he has basically shown me that I am not a priority even though he said spending New Years Eve with me was the most important thing. We have been texting about this and I have made it clear that I am upset. He is driving up with a friend and told me that there is space for me in the car. I said no. He texted me late last night letting me know he is leaving early in the morning and that he really wants me to come up and sent me screen shots of flight options. I really can’t believe he has been so dismissive of me when we had planned to spend NYE together and now he has left without me and shown no remorse whatsoever. Am I over reacting?
View related questions:
christmas, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): He only changed the original-plan, and still invited you to come; then you refused to be ready to go. Now go back and read your post to yourself. Look at it through the eyes of a logical-adult; and set all emotion and sulking aside.
No insult intended, but you're too old to be looking for some kind of fairytale-romance!!!
You've only been together three months. This is a budding-relationship! You're still getting to know each other; and evaluating your ways and habits for compatibility. At this early-stage, your romance is far from established! No-one knows exactly how they feel for another person in such a short span of time. They may think they do, when in a rush; but real-feelings and love takes time to become bonded and rooted. Trust has to be earned and exchanged; and both-parties have to give and take. You have as much to prove to him; as he has to prove to you! Just because you fawn all over him doesn't mean you're giving him anything special! Act your age! Smothering people with love and clinging to them is meaningless and sappy! True-love is sharing devotion, developing trust, being faithful, and using maturity and level-headedness to build a meaningful and durable-relationship over time.
I'm going to give you a dose of tough-love. All this nonsense about being his priority and such has nothing to do with any of this! It's pouting and misbehaving like a spoiled-child! It's petty!
He has known his friends longer than he has known you; and this was his golden-opportunity to introduce you and show you off!!!
Sorry sweetheart, but it's a two-way relationship! It ain't always about YOU!
You need a man's point of view in this; as well as from other women. You'll get a lot of empathy from females; but you may not get straight-talk! How is a change of the original plans, that gain the same results (which includes you), not making you a priority? Introducing you as his new girlfriend to his buddies was an opportunity to make you the center of attention! A chance to gloat over his new-love! He tried to convince you to come!
Some new elements were added to the original plan! It wasn't about priorities, he wanted to see his friends; and bring in the New Year with a group of people who mean something to him. Hello, but HE gets to decide who is at the top of the list; and your bratty schoolgirl-behavior doesn't place you there. As for your pouting? You get to own that wise-move, my dear! At best, his actions are clumsy and spur of the moment! I grant you that! He didn't have to kill his plans, because you preferred to sulk!
Well, welcome back to adult-life! Please come back-down to reality! You are a priority when he feels you're the priority. If you want to be placed upon a pedestal; maybe he's the wrong guy! I can't see anything wrong, just a full-grown woman behaving like a teenage-girl. To become a priority, you have to earn that position. He hardly knows you!
Come on, my dear! Who's fault is it that he had to leave without you? I think you made that choice when you weren't ready to go!!! You missed the boat, and now he might see you as demanding and high-maintenance. I'll step aside, while some women will villainize the guy in the picture; but you're getting a guy's opinion as well!
Sorry, you'll miss-out on celebrating NYE with the guy you care for! There's still time! You can still make a surprise-appearance! It might be a risky move!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 December 2019):
 I agree with YCBS,
You are overreacting. He DID seem like he wanted to spend time with you and he even wanted you to meet some more of HIS friend, people he doesn't get to see much and who OBVIOUSLY are very important in his life. He didn't say oh, well you are not as important as they are, he said I REALLY want you to come too.
You two have been together 3 months. You are still getting to know one another, which means you are a priority but not yet his #1 priority and THAT I think is quite normal after ONLY 3 months.
And I totally get why a change in plans can be annoying, I personally hate when my husband makes out of the blue plans and either forget to mention them or forget previously made plans. It does happen. It's life. We had plans for this weekend but his brother needed help with something so hubby "dropped" OUR plans and went to help him. For the entire weekend. Which means... A do over of the plans we had. Again, IT HAPPENS. I can get annoyed and mad OR I can adapt. Same with you.
I will say though, that IF he has a tendency to plan stuff with you and when he gets a different option, he drops YOUR plans every time, it's a bad sign. This however, falls more into the trying to hit 2 birds with one stone. BOTH seeing some real good friends who doesn't live in the country at the moment AND having you meet them and BOTH of you could celebrate with these friends.
He wanted YOU to met them. He wanted THEM to meet you.
And what do you do? You sulk because you "plans" of doing "nothing" for NYE with him fell through.
You got to learn to land on your feet and ADAPT to changes.
There are two of you in this relationships, it's not ALWAYS going to be what YOU want that will happen.
This is your loss. And if you keep thinking that YOU are the center of EVERYONE's universe, you will soon realize that that isn't the truth. Sorry. I would have gone with him and had a blast meeting people that are ALSO important to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (28 December 2019):
 Frankly yes, I do think you are over-reacting. He keeps asking you to go with him. It sounds like he has limited opportunities to see his friends. Is it really impossible for you to join him or are you just refusing because it is not what you had planned?
This is a new relationship. You have only been together a matter of weeks. This is your first "test". While his change of plan may be annoying, only you can decide whether it is a deal breaker.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): He wanted you to come, he gave you a few days notice. He really wants to see his friends, you didn't want to go, presumably because you wanted him to choose you, a relationship he's had for 3 months over friends he's had for years. He still wants you to come. Sorry but you are the one being difficult. Yes he said he didn't care, but he did, people change their minds. You would have got to meet his friends. You sound a bit controlling really.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): But he does want to spend time with you... he invited you, and the bottom line is that you are the one who has chosen not to be together with him on NYE.
I get where you’re coming from, because it seems that he has prioritized being with his friends over being with you. But it seems from your question that he doesn’t get to see these friends often? You know, it’s great that he values friendships and makes an effort to be with his friends. On the other hand, you’ve been together only three months. Put yourself in his shoes, if you have an opportunity to see friends you don’t get to see often, wouldn’t you make the effort to see your friends? AND try to include the new man in your life?
It’s not an ideal situation, but I would have said yes to going and then decide from there to see whether he’s just jerking your around, see how he treats you on this trip. So far it’s hard to say what’s what without giving him more opportunities.
...............................
|
