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He’s ignoring me all of a sudden! How do I react?

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 July 2018) 10 Answers - (Newest, 10 July 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I’m 27 from UK and recently reconnected with my ex from 7 years ago who I broke up with.

We had an amazing couple of days together rekindling and we’ve been very romantic since.

Awkward part - he lives in America right now for work. He has mentioned hes leaning towards moving back in December now, but in the mean time I was going to go to visit in America.

I realised (and here’s where I might have gone wrong) ..that I was going all the way to America for a date! We’re not girlfriend and boyfriend, so I panicked and realised it might seem desperate! I stressed that I would feel more comfortable if we spent more time together first before I make a big move like that and if he would consider coming home for a short visit again then I would go America after that because I really want to go and do our plans we’ve made!

He said it was understandable and he’ll look into it. Then he got defensive saying: if he was going to move back, which is undecided, then he is not going to come back before then for a visit, but he’ll let me know when he’s next back for “a catch up/ hangout”

He’s now ignoring me.

Am I in the wrong for changing my mind and asking this of him?

Should I give him space or tell him I’m hurt by being ignored?

Should I still go even though he wouldn’t make that move for me yet it’s expected of me to do it?

I’m confused why it’s so suddenly turned upside down when it was going so well!

View related questions: broke up, my ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (10 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI can see where he is coming from, at the end of the day you broke up with him, you decided to rekindle with him you where planning a visit then you backed out and expected him to visit you. I honestly don't think it is a good idea wanting a relationship with an ex. I mean why did you end things with him in the first place? Unless you or him are planning a trip to the US/UK I think it might be best you cut contact.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (7 July 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI am always dubious about rekindling relationships with ex partners. With very few exceptions, they are in the past for good reason. Usually we simply replay past hurts and remember exactly WHY they were in the past. To me it's like saying "Well, I know it wasn't great but, as I haven't found anything better, I may as well settle".

That aside, I can totally see your friend's side of this argument. It's not like he is just down the road to pop over and see you. Also, it's not exactly a first date, given that you two already have a history. I can understand him being put out by you saying you will visit then suddenly deciding it makes you look desperate and expecting HIM to come to see YOU instead. YOUR insecurities are YOURS, not HIS.

If he is suddenly ignoring you, then I would take that a sign of what you have to look forward to if you do end up back in a relationship. Did you split up first time because he was nice while you were doing things HIS way but tended to cut you dead if you didn't toe the line? For me, it does not bode well for a strong healthy relationship if one partner deals with conflict and differences by removing themselves from the situation and ignoring the other one.

In your shoes, I would consider this a red flag, tell myself I had been lucky to dodge a bullet and leave this ex very firmly in the past where he belongs.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (7 July 2018):

N91 agony auntI think the main question here is why are you revisiting an ex? You broke up for a reason. Something about you both didn’t work for you to break up so what’s different this time?

The whole situation just sounds like too much hard work. Leave exes in the past where they belong.

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A female reader, BettyBoup United Kingdom +, writes (7 July 2018):

BettyBoup agony auntIn my experience, if a man is interested in a relationship with a woman, he wI'll not ignore her. He will be in touch. Also, if he was truly keen to see you, he would be happy to plan a visit to see you first. It sounds like you are keen to see where this could go, so you initially planned to visit him. But then you realised it was you making the first move and then changed your mind, and told him that he should make the first move.

Well, it seems that, if you had made that first move, it would have been a gamble to see how it goes. You could have had a nice trip to the USA and not put so much pressure on it being a first date. But by saying that you don't want to go all the way to America for a date, then it makes it more serious, and less of a "let's see what happens" scenario.

It seems like he's not sure either as he doesn't want to pay for a flight home just for a date with you that might not go anywhere, either. It sounds like you might be an option for him, but only if he gets this job back home, so he's not prepared to invest to much into a relationship with you that isn't a certainty, yet.

Ignoring you shows that he's not sure about you two. Give him some space to think. If he is keen on you, he will be back in touch. Maybe it is better for you both to leave the rekindling of a romantic relationship off the table, until he is cetain he will be moving home. Otherwise you would be entering into a long distance relationship, which, although not impossible, would be difficult, unless both of you are certain that you want it. It sounds like you are both a little unsure at the moment.

So I'don't suggest, give it a little time, stay in touch, but keep the conversation friendly and see what happens. If he comes home, arrange to meet up. If you want to go to where he lives for a holiday, invite him to meet up. If not, don't worry about it too much. I know it sounds corny, but if he's right for you, it will work out and he will come to you.

Also, you're not in the wrong for changing your mind. It's a lot of money to spend to visit someone for a date. It would be different if you were in a relationship. Bt then, you can understand why he might be unsure of paying to fly to see you for a date too. That's why he said he's waiting to see if he'll be moving home first, because then he'd be paying for an expensive flight, twice in a short time. So it is what it is. If he continues to ignore you though, I'd take it as a sign he's not really interested. Try to chat to him though, if you really like him. Persistence might pay off. But keep it casual for now, and don't invest too much hope into him.

Good luck :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018):

Why can't people just be honest nowadays? What is wrong with laying your cards on the table? Why side step each other? Does he mean a lot to you? Then tell him. See if he sees a reconciliation possible with you. Speak from your heart. If he rejects you, you will be hurt but at least know you tried. And won't regret NOT trying for the rest of your life.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (6 July 2018):

In my personal-life, I recently gave some advice to a female acquaintance about a similar situation. She has an ex who moved to Los Angeles California after they broke-up a few years ago. She never got over him; and has been keeping in-touch. He dated several women; but has not had a committed-relationship since they broke-up.

She has seen a few guys, and had a brief relationship that she broke-off; because he was a workaholic and never had time for their relationship. She runs a business, but always made time. She's the owner, so she can set her own hours. He works for a firm; and doesn't get to choose his own hours, and works out of state mostly. He's working towards a promotion, and he's very focused. He also completed his MBA last year. She lost interest.

So now this ex is going to visit shortly; and she is under the impression that he never got another girlfriend, because he's holding-out for her. I reminded her that he has relatives in the area, and this may only be a brief stopover.

He's making tons of money in Cali; and she has a business she has to run. I suggested she not get her hopes up for a reconciliation. He didn't discuss any such thing; and she's jumping to conclusions. She decided to take my advice. She agrees she may have gotten a little carried-away. The minute she sees him, she'll forget all that I've advised.

Here's what I explained to my acquaintance; and I think it will apply here too. You've been separated by time and distance. He did get-over you. Men don't process our emotions the same as women.

I don't think he's as optimistic and excited about seeing you, as you are about seeing him. Keep in-mind, people sometimes try to match our enthusiasm to be polite; but they may not be exactly on the same page.

I think he is sensing way too much eagerness, and it's scaring him. He is pumping the brakes and forcing you to; by letting you know this isn't what you might think it is. He might be willing to see you, maybe hookup, test the waters; and then give you the royal brushoff. Whatever expectations you may have, I suggest you wipe the slate clean; and judge by events as they unfold.

This may only be a visit. Not a reconciliation. At best, this whole thing is just an idea and presently undecided. Pump the brakes and curb your enthusiasm. Stop calling or messaging him. This may not be what you're hoping for. It's better to expect very little, and be surprised; than to expect a lot, and be disappointed.

It is very rare that men carry the torch for any extended period of time. Pining-away in your absence. They may reminisce about the good-ole days; and may want a brief fling. My guess is a quick shag, a few laughs, and he's out. He's tentatively moving-back to the U.K.; but how do you conclude that you're part of the reason? How do you know that it will be an extended-stay?

There are far too many unanswered questions; and you're betting on getting back together. He's wondering what on earth must she be thinking? I don't think his return has much, if anything, to do with you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018):

Yes I can see that you going there 'for a date' would be a bit extreme, although nice. That's IF he invited you. Did he?

I can understand you thinking that it seemed a bit desperate for you to go there for a date. But I can't see why you then asked HIM to come to YOU instead!

How is that not the same, only worse?!

I can't really understand your thinking process here. And neither it would seem can any of us. So I would imagine that he is probably a bit confused too.

No, don't go for a visit now, that would be even more confusing for him! How do you know he even wants you to?

Just leave it for a while.

If I am being ignored then I take the hint. I can ignore for England. Let him do any chasing that he may still wish to do. If you don't hear anything, then assume that somewhere along the line, things went a bit awry.

Wait and if you don't hear anything for weeks or months, then maybe at some point, get in touch again. Just casually ask how he is etc, don't mention anything to do with being girlfriend/boyfriend, or visiting him or anything like that.

Take your time and let him take his. He may have found someone in the interim of course and so may you, but let this episode die down, let him see that you're not chasing him to the ends of the earth.

If he gets in touch with you, then great. But even then, let him suggest any meeting up.

Good luck.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 July 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Code Warrior.

There is a lot of confusion going on here. Because it seems like you think a "first" date with someone is a big step when normally it's not. I would have though spending a couple of "amazing" days being romantic was a much bigger step, and you had no problem with that.

My guess is, you didn't want to fly ALL the way over there unless you felt he ACTUALLY wanted to REKINDLE a relationship. And you though HIM coming to see YOU first would prove that. He shouldn't have to PROVE anything to you at this stage.

Either you want to go visit and see where it takes you or you don't.

Did he ASK you to come visit? Or just say it would be nice?

There might NOT be much of a future since he is putting his career first (which he should) and isn't sure where THAT will take him geographically speaking.

Should you still go? NO, not if he is ignoring you, why would you?!

It seems to me that you want instant relationship and plans for the future and that is NOT what he wants or can offer.

Maybe you could elaborate on the reason you two broke up 7 years ago?

Are the issues that caused the break up resolved?

My guess is he feel like you are pushing for more than he is willing to give. Or he just doesn't get what just happened and why you got all dramatic on him.

Either way, if I were you I'd step back from this. While it was great to catch up and have some "amazing" days together... you can't build a future on that. Neither can he.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018):

I am miffed too, why was you going there for a date?? What difference did it make that he come here or you go there and again what do you mean you was going for a date?? Surely you was just going to go over there and hang out just like you would have done if he came here??

I get the impression you have placed a big emphasis on it all and he doesn't get it either, if you have recently reconnected then it is a case of just getting to know each other again. It would be interesting to know how long you dated for and how serious it was a few years ago because maybe he has been reminded of something in your behavior, but that is just a thought that cropped into my head..

You MAY be coming across as coming on too strong and jumping the gun a bit, again my thought is this your age and feeling you want to settle down?

With your post you come across as being very keen and placing a lot on something as simple as just seeing each other in whatever capacity that is, i think you would have been better playing it a bit cooler, so back off, don't question him and keep it friendly, good luck

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (6 July 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntIf I'm understanding this correctly, you were going to fly to the U.S. to have a date with him, then thought better of it, and wanted him to fly to the U.K. to have a date first, then you would fly to the U.S. after that for the next date?

I guess I don't see what difference it makes who goes first. That being said, you're confusing me a bit by calling it a big move for you. Is it a move or a visit? What does any of this have to do with whether or not he moves back to the U.K. for his job? His potential move back shouldn't have anything to do with you, it should be purely a career based decision. After all you've only spent a couple of days reconnecting, why in the world are you discussing his potential move as if you're more than just a girl he's dating?

It's all very confusing to me. It's probably confusing to him to, which is probably why he's now ignoring you. I think you need to slow your roll, but I'm so confused I don't even know if that's the right advice.

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