A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I have been with my boyfriend for about 15 months. We've had a good relationship, had our ups and downs, but that's normal. Recently he became all distant and after I continuously asked him what was wrong he admitted hes got feeling for another girl. He was crying as he told me, but said that he still loved me. That night he rang me in a real state, crying, begging me to end the relationship as he didnt know what to do, but begging me to remain friends with him. I was numb but just agreed to calm him down. In the morning however he text me asking if we could take things slow because he loves me and really wants to make things work. I agreed to, but he still seems distant. I just dont know what to do anymore. Do you think things could still work?
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male
reader, Code Warrior  + ♥, writes (8 September 2009):
 He does not know what he wants. He is confused and emotional. If you are the same way, then it is likely to be a very messy and slow process in which you both make many compromises along the way. Such a process may work out great, but I find that unlikely.
Typically I will tell people that both partners have to agree to the terms of a relationship in order for it to work. Right now, those terms are in flux because of his conflicted feelings for this new girl. Consequently, you are now in a state of flux as well.
You need to restore a sense of certainty and direction back into your life. This does NOT mean that you have to give up on him. If means that you must decide what YOU want out of a relationship. What are YOUR TERMS for him to be in YOUR life?
Once you understand your own terms, then you tell him what they are. You need to understand the terms that are deal-breakers for you as well as those you are willing to compromise on. Stick to your deal-breakers without compromise. They are unequivocal. On the lesser terms, understand how much you are willing to compromise and do not agree to anything beyond that limit.
As usual, I make it sound very clinical, when in reality it is very messy and difficult. But, sometimes you just need to look at things that way in order to move forward and find resolution.
I think you need to take back control of your life and tell him what your terms are. Tell him that the door is open for him to return when he has figured things out. In the meantime, you will be moving forward with your life. If he returns too late, and you have found someone new, then he must accept it and move on himself.
Please don't allow your life to be in flux like this. It can affect everything and cause a lot of problems for you. Especially if he can't decide between you and her, and keeps waffling for months or years. Life is too short to voluntarily get yourself stuck in his muck.
Take back control and do what's right for you.
A
female
reader, dearkelja + ♥, writes (8 September 2009):
 There's a balance here of making sure you don't put yourself in a very hurtful situation but allowing him time to figure out what he really feels or wants to do. My advice to you is to tell him you love him and you want to be with him and if he is willing to forget the other girl and work on the two of you, fine, great...this relationship has a chance.
If he is still uncertain where his heart lies then I would tell him that the two of you need to be on a break while he figures out what he wants AND you figure out what you want. You have some thinking to do here. If his feelings were strong enough for you, how could he have fallen for another woman. Could he be scared and committment phobic, maybe. But meanwhile, don't continue in the relationship if he is uncertain of what he wants. In this situation, the relationship still has a chance.
If he wants to take things slow with the new relationship while still having you to fall back on in case it doesn't go well...that's not a position he has a right to ask you to be in. He has to make a choice.
I do believe he loves you and yes, he was honest but right now, he is uncertain and lost. Give him time perhaps. Give yourself time.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 + ♥, writes (7 September 2009):
 Its very hard for a guy to be honest and torn between you and another girl.
Both of you are young and he's actually got self-doubt working here.
Here's my 2 cents' worth.
I think he's in love with you but he's afraid. The fact that he can cry in front of you, beg and plead with you and such means that you two are very intimate together, and he trusts you so very much.
This is tearing him apart. I think if you truly do love him, and he's willing to listen to you. This is the best part of listening and trying to be supportive.
If you truly do love him and he's that important to you, try and see him in person. I think what he's going through is a great deal of shame right now.
He's ashamed of something, and if its connected with this other girl, whether its a crush, an emotional affair or possibly an infidelity in real life or his mind, you have to be very loving and forgiving with him right now.
Try and be gentle with him and talk to him. Get down to the real root of this problem as I can see he actually really needs you.
Think of it this way, he's suffering at this very moment. Whatever it is with this girl, its eating at him because he does love you.
Work on removing the shame, or whatever guilt he's suffering.
From what you've said, if he did go off with this girl, he's feeling terrible about it right now because he loves you. No man would ever go through that with you if he wasn't in love with you.
If he strayed, maybe try and find out what it was that caused this. Maybe it was a lark, or maybe there was something that happened between the two of you that caused it. Whatever it is, it seems to me that you two can fix it.
I hate to see a guy get torn up like this when his most intimate partner is being begged to let him go, and yet he has run to her for her love.
That speaks volumes to me. This is the part where you can actually strengthen your relationship and find ways to keep it strong and heal whatever pain he's suffering. I know he may not have anything "good" to tell you, but if you're forgiving and you really do love him, he won't do this again and my bet is he'll stay with you through a lot worse in the future.
But the emotions that you're describing, it seems he's very ashamed and he needs your support more than ever. You should try and be there for him. Shame's very damaging. Right now he's basically punishing himself horribly. You need to help him stop that, and its going to take a great deal of love and understanding on your part. He's crying out for help so I'd say give it a try. Just remember it takes some patience and a lot of forgiveness. You don't have to worry about judging him, he's already done that and so its a matter of simply accepting things as they are and fixing them.
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A
female
reader, quiet-echo  + ♥, writes (7 September 2009):
 Yes, things could still work and I commend him for being honest with you.
My questions are what specifically does he mean by 'going slow'? Does it mean you remain fully committed to him (and only him) but don't expect much in return while he makes up his mind? Does he want you to provide him with security while he offers you uncertainty?
It is reasoable for him to need time and space to sort things. It is not reasonable, nor fair of him to have you continuing to make the same investment in him while he ponders making it elsewhere.
My advice is don't rush or pressure him. Give him whatever freedom he needs BUT give yourself the same!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): It sounds like your boyfriend wants the best of both worlds. Unless you are willing to share him, you have to split up with him. Its probably not the advoce you wanted to hear, but I think you need some space and so does he.
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