A
female
age
30-35,
*tarrdustsim
writes:My boyfriend is making me really anxious and making me feel like I'm losing my mind. I recently posted a question on here about how my boyfriend has hurt me emotionally by spending our money on porn. 2 months later I found a naked pic of a girl on his phone that he said he has never seen before and doesn't know how it got on his phone. I don't know whether to believe him. He lied to me before, betrayed me and completely destroyed my self esteem. However I'm trying to work through it to find the trust and I'm getting really bad anxiety about it all at night so I can't sleep. Obviously my behaviour has chnaged with him as im still hurting and trying to get baxk to normal. I have noticed for the past 5 months with argue 3 times a week. The arguing starts with him going " I can't take this weight on my chest, I feel like you f**king don't do anything in your life and it's making me depressed. You need to fix your self". The thing is its actually him that's not doing anything in his life. He hates his job but doesn't want to do anything about it. I'm studying at university at the moment as well as work. All he does when he gets home is play his video games. He occasionally helps with dinners. I have to get up to make his breakfast even if I don't need to be up early. His reason is that if I don't have to be at work all day so I should at least help make his breakfast. All days he complains about his work colleagues but has the audacity to say that he's trying to be positive and that im the one not trying.Back to the argument. So he continues to tell me how negative i am.At this point I can't even speak because he doesn't let me, he will keep shouting. He will call me boring, he will call the relationship boring. When I do get a chance to speak he doesn't actually listen. I tell him how I feel and he just shouts aggressively " your wrong!! Your feelings are wrong". To which I try to explain the why I feel the way I feel and he starts yelling " boring, your wrong.. I'm sick of this shit".. He carries on swearing and occasionally screaming and sighing. I try to tell him that he needs to speak to me calmly but he doesn't listen.He eventually walks out the room shouting and swearing, call me names and goes to sleep in the living room. 2 hours later he comes back going " I love you, I just want you to be happy, it's like you don't even know what you want in your life". To which I reply " I do know what I want in my life, I'm pursing my education at the moment, do you know what you want in your life?".. He goes " just to be happy"..I try the diffuse the conversation at this point so that I can sleep but then he starts back up again. I just stay quiet untill he stops. I feel soo confused. It goes around in a circle like this. He gets to emotionally aggressive towards me and then when he feels better he will try and be loving. He doesn't understand that when he hurt me it had consequences. It's like he doesn't want to be responsible for his actions. He just expects me to get over it. He's making my anxiety worse but all he can go on about is his stress. But when I try to make him see both perspectives he just doesn't get it and he thinks I'm the self pitying one.I feel like I'm losing my mind. I love him but at the same time I don't like him anymore. He makes me feel terrible alot of the time even though there good times. I don't feel like I can talk to him and I'm scared to say things to him.If I was going to leave him, I would want to do it slowly. Like drifting apart by spending less time with him. I'm too anxious just to leave because of all the drama and emtional hurt he would cause. At the same time I want to save our relationship. I find myself crying in the bathroom most nights because I feel stuck in a horrible situation with someone I love.What do I do guys? Am I the one who is toxic? What steps can I take to sort this out? Any advice would be great
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at work, depressed, I love you, money, porn, self esteem, university, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2015): First of all, a picture of a naked girl doesn't just appear on someone's phone, he is obviously lying about that. From what I can gather from your post, all I can say is that he is NOT good enough for you.You deserve someone who worships the ground you walk on, not some idiot who makes you feel so awful about yourself!I understand how difficult this situation is, but you need to think about yourself here. You CAN get out of this, and you'll be much happier! You say you'd rather do it slowly, but it might be easier to do it quickly like pulling off a wax strip (lol), hurts like hell at first but with time gets better. Imagine pulling one off slowly? Hurts alot more!I really hope you make a choice that is solely based on you. So much of our time is spent worrying about the other person in a relationship, especially if we have become consumed by it, you just need to think of you and what you want. A pro/con list always works for me! Good luck lovely
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (15 November 2015):
 You're both toxic, if I'm being honest.
Your boyfriend has already lost your trust and has done nothing to regain it, so why are you trying to force yourself to trust him again?
If you stood on a bridge you knew had already collapsed before and was somewhat repaired, but shaky and unstable, would you continue to stand on it and work through your trust issues? Do you see what I'm saying here?
You don't trust him because you're not supposed to! You're not supposed to trust someone who is untrustworthy.
He's unstable. You're not bringing him up. He's bringing you down.
Time to make a decision here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2015): My opinion is the relationship may have run its course. I also assume you're both under a lot of financial pressure.
When people hate their jobs; the frustration has to be vented somewhere. Unfortunately, people see the faults in others before we see our own. So he's lashing out at you in his own personal frustrations. You are lashing out at him, because you don't know how to stand your ground; and not let people walk all over you.
You're getting on each others nerves. You've been closed-up together too long; and your relationship isn't going anywhere. There is too much anger from his position in the relationship, and you're far too passive for his personality-type. I think when a guy becomes too angry and/or aggressive in a relationship; he's no longer happy in it.
He's an angry beast, because he feels trapped. You don't like him anymore; because you've clung to him too long out of fear of being on your own. Even when you see holding too tight is driving you both crazy.
You make the typical excuse "you love him" as the reason for putting up with all this. It's not real love. It's fear of letting go of the comfort and shelter in being a couple. Having to face lonely nights and doing everything by yourself. Well it's good for young people to struggle on their own; so they can develop the skills of survival. Not always live under the co-dependency of a miserable relationship held together only because of the fear of loneliness; or the jealousy the other may find someone better.
I don't think you can save it, if you're becoming incompatible. There's too much fighting. He needs a new job, but he has to be thrust into the world on his own to make decisions that are life-changing. He has to stay in it because you both need him to. What he does will seriously effect your cash-flow. He can't just quit.
You're in a faux-marriage, and he's expecting you to behave like a wife. You're expecting him to change his personality because you "love" him. He sounds like a jerk. Looking for advice how to fix it might not be the question. How to end it might make more sense. You're not saving a marriage. That would require much more effort and commitment. You're both growing apart and starving for freedom. Freedom from the chains that make you so co-dependent and unhappy.
Seriously consider letting it go. You should be focusing on school. You may be dependent on his additional income a bit too much, and he's feeling the pressure. It may not be he hates his job as much as shouldering the financial burden of maintaining a roof over your head, paying the bills, and dealing with a relationship that makes him feel trapped.
Sounds like you feel trapped too. So afraid of being single that putting up with a bad boyfriend is better in comparison. Maybe it's time.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 November 2015):
 Who says you HAVE to get up and make his breakfast?
Don't make his breakfast, tell him he is big enough, and ugly enough to make his own breakfast. Don't make his breakfast.
Okay, now that I have that off my chest, lets look at some of your other issues ........
You and I both know the only way a picture of a naked girl, or any picture really, got on his phone is because he put it there. If you want to believe that he doesn't know how it got there, well, things are never going to get better for YOU until you stop believing his crap!
When he starts shouting, put up your hand to stop him and say "until you are able to discuss this like a rational human being I will not listen to you" and leave the room. If he follows you, pick up your handbag and leave the house, go visit somebody or take a walk around the block.
If he hasn't changed his attitude when you go home then you phone a friend or family member, tell him again, that you are not prepared to discuss this until he is willing to act like a rational human being and leave the house. Take your toothbrush with you!
Quite frankly I don't know why you are even trying with him, I did read that you LOVE him, but I ask you, what is there to love?
Relationships are not supposed to be this bad, you say he is emotionally aggressive and when he feels all hunky dory he gets all lovey dovey and you are supposed to just suck it up. Sweetheart, what he is doing is abuse!
Don't accept his bad behaviour. Don't listen when he starts shouting, walk away when he gets emotionally aggressive, don't believe he doesn't know how the nude picture got on his phone and don't cook his bloody breakfast.
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