A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:The guy i’m ‘seeing’ is overbearing with his declarations of love for me. It is unbelievable how much we have in common, and how alike we are. Hard to believe there is someone out there the same as me. He makes me very happy, and i’d dearly love to have him as a companion to spend future adventures we’ve talked about together. However,although i am not repulsed by him, i am not attracted to ’ him, nor do i have any romantic tendencies towards him. Because he is so very very kind, understanding, caring, sweet and lovely, over the 6 months i’ve known, and spent time with him (where possible due to social distancing), my feelings towards him have grown, and we have shared a kiss and a cuddle.The moment seemed right, and it just happened naturally. I cant deny, i think i enjoyed that moment. But since that moment, i have felt that he is ‘willing it to happen again’.However, I have not felt such inclination since. In fact, i’m seriously beginning to wonder if i am asexual.? I have spoken to him about how i feel, as i do not wish to falsely lead him on.He said, and seemed to accept that we won’t push things, and to continue enjoying spending time together when we can safely do so. Since latest lockdown, we have only met up once at safe social distance, however we chat via text and on the phone,regulatly. He sends videos of him singing love songs to me, and reciting poetry, (cringe, i know) and blows kisses down the phone saying i love you.Over the last few weeks, (since lockdown)he is declaring his undying love for me more and more often. i’ve told him it makes me feel uncomfortable, and that he can’t possibly love me after such few meetings and no physical connection. However, although he says he will try to stop, he is now saying that he has to say it, and get his feelings out as he cannot hold back. He is now saying i shouldnt hold back and that he “knows i feel the same about him, and should just let it out and say it” The thing is, I don’tAlthough i probably know the answer to this, i will ask for advice anyway. I really do not want to hurt his feelings, but he is not taking what i say seriously. He isn’t listening when i say he needs to ‘rein it in, and calm down’.I told him last night to stop assuming that he knows what i’m feeling, because he does not know.However, is it inevitable that i will have to be blunt with him, even though that could mean the end of a beautiful friendship..? Please advise
View related questions:
I love you, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2020): By not rejecting his romantic-advances you are encouraging his behavior, and leading him on. You want the benefit of his friendship; so you allow the declarations of love, and pretend to submit to his advances. This is selfish, and deceptive. You can't keep it up; so eventually being constantly hit-upon and receiving unwanted-flirtations will make you irritated; which will force you to be unkind. Isn't it better to stop him before you have to angrily reject him? He becomes more infatuated by the day!
Claiming you don't want to hurt his feelings is cowardice. It's also selfishness, and it's really self-preservation in disguise. It's protecting yourself; and getting what "you" want on the sly. You are flattered by his pursuit and the attention; and you don't really want to lose that. You like the loyalty and devotion; but it is born of infatuation; and his feelings are unreciprocated.
That's taking advantage of his feelings, and toying with his affections. That doesn't absolve him of all his efforts to force a romance on you; knowing you've resisted and ignoring your efforts. It don't know what that comment about being "asexual" is all about? As you get older, your sex-drive naturally declines. You're in your 50's! If you're not attracted to the guy, that's not asexual; that's being turned-off towards his advances!
He's not taking "no" for an answer; and you're playing him along by being falsely-demure. He's picking-up a signal of a "definite maybe!" This is where things get really messy! You will likely lose his friendship anyway, if he can't have his way; because he will keep trying to kiss, touch, and caress you. Begging and pleading for your feedback! Forcing more than just verbal-declarations of love. He wants you to reciprocate with romantic-affection. That will become contentious. When someone you're not attracted to is relentlessly hitting on you; in time, it will become "repulsive!"
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 November 2020):
 It isn't a friendship if ONE of you want more and the other don't. THAT is NOT a friendship, so you are fooling yourself if you think by telling him "I only want friendship" and "I don't feel the same way" - will change his mind.
He has already decided that YOU DO love him but aren't willing to declare it. That you are perhaps playing hard to get to increase his attraction. HE isn't willing to LISTEN.
To be frank, he is your Mr. Collins to your Elizabeth. (If you have read Pride and Prejudice that is :) Though your man sounds a tad better but not entirely better than Mr. Collins.
You made the mistake of kissing and cuddling, I mean seriously, Lady? Who kisses and cuddles their friends when they KNOW said friend is infatuated? That is not right.
Yes, you will have to be blunt. You will have to stop going hot and cold. And you will HAVE to accept that he isn't WANTING to be your friend. He wants more, you don't. So you have to be the one to shut it down.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (23 November 2020):
 I believe you DO already know what you have to do, painful as it is going to be. You two have very different agendas for this relationship, hence you are both going to end up being unhappy and getting hurt. Been there, done that; trust me, it is very difficult but there is only one way it can end.
He is not as wonderful as you believe him to be, otherwise he would not ride roughshod over your feelings and disregard your requests to stop making you feel uncomfortable with his inappropriate wooing. If he was really the wonderful man you believe him to be, he would have listened to you and given you space to see if your feelings for him developed.
I have been in your position and it is dreadful because you love the person but don't want a romantic relationship with them. It took me a bit of time to recognize and accept that the friendship I craved was offered with a completely different agenda to what I wanted. To this day I miss the friendship we had (I truly felt I had met my soulmate) but we could not carry on with completely different agendas for the relationship, just as you won't be able to. The longer you hang in there, the more difficult it will be to break away. Despite you making it clear you are not interested in a romantic relationship, he will still take it badly when you walk away from your friendship.
My advice is to do it as sooner rather than later. I'm sorry but I think you already know what you need to do.
...............................
|
