A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been with my mate for nearly a year now. She's a wonderful woman, we are both middle age, I am divorced, she has not been...no kids. She says she's been with 4 partners sexually before me, with a few instances of oral sex through her 20's. She started having sex later in her 20's.My issue is, she has changed her story several times about many of the "male friends" she has had over the years. For months, she told me she never had any kind of contact with them, but later admits to having kissing sessions and in some cases, oral sex.I'm afraid I haven't heard the all of it. I don't care how many partners she's had, but I become very upset and lose trust when teh stories change.What would be the best way to discuss this with her? She feels very uncomfortable talking about her sexual past, so I do not want to stir anything up, but at the same time, I need to know if there are any other stories lurking out there. Do any of you women "hide" the near misses in your life, and if so, why do you not discuss them? I find this behaviour very peculiar, and do not process "half-truths" well. How can I tell her I am upset, without upsetting her?
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divorce, kissing, oral sex, sexual past Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (22 July 2010):
Only tip of the iceberg. In ten years, you'll be another guy on this board saying "I didnt know my wife was such a slut......"
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): A person who repeatedly tells lies is a liar. Liars are not trustworthy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Baddog...every relationship is different. I personally feel the way to know a person is to know the person they've been...which includes sex, especially if they are a very sexual person. Leaving that bit out is kinda like being married to a race car driver and never going into their trophy room or watching them race. Call it curiosity, call it intrigue. But I think knowing thse things is vital for a relationship to be honest, open and loving. I myself am astounded when I am with couples who have been together for YEARS and they don't know the most basic shit about each other...like favorite colors, favorite foods, etc. Maybe they do know, but those small things aren't important...dunno. Liek I said, everyone's different. In this day and age, I think many relationships are more shallow and superficial than in the past. Not saying yours is, but having open, occasional conversation about these things is not a bad thing. Provided you aren't talking MAINLY about these things, aren't insecure or jealous, then the more information, the better.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (19 July 2010):
 I'm always amazed at the level of detail that people on DC have on their lovers / spouses sexual histories. How does this work? Is it that the fourth or fifth date people head down to the lawyers office to take a deposition? I've been married for getting on for 13 years and I say hand on heart that it has never once occurred to me to ask I know that she wasn't a virgin but I've always just assumed that the other / others can't have been much good otherwise she wouldn't have married me. I'm exceptionally grateful that she has never asked about mine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): She's with you, not these other men from her past. Furthermore, she can't go back and change her past to make the present more comfortable for you. The fact is, it doesn't sound like she was THAT promiscuous in her past, but maybe she feels embarrassed about things she's done and doesn't want to bring them up, or maybe she just feels like they're not important to your present relationship -- because they aren't. Unless she's still doing these things (which doesn't seem to be the case), then who cares what she did when she was in her 20s?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 July 2010):
I don't think you should press any further. Maybe tell her that her past is her own and you'll leave it at that. I don't think there's anything nasty there, as such. But I suspect she's quite sensitive about her past. She has probably made some mistakes, like everyone, I think it's best that you don't press it.
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