| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: My mind feels scrambled!!!. I have been helping my male friend get over breaking-up with his ex but have found myself falling for him. I think he feels he same way about me. We have enjoyed cuddling each other very much but this has recently stopped. I don’t know why he has stopped doing this, but the reason I have withdrawn is because:-The other day he received a phone call from a girl when I was with him. He said ‘Shhhh’ to me to be quiet even though I wasn’t speaking. I was rather peeved at him saying this to me. He may have said this because I live in an area with bad telephone reception, but I got the impression that he didn’t want this girl to know he was with another girl, ie. me. Now, surely it wouldn’t matter if I was just a friend anyway but likewise why did he want me to be quiet around her? Was she his girlfriend? I didn’t ask him who this girl was because I didn’t want to pry, although he always asks me who is contacting me. I haven’t even been friends with guys, most particularly ones who are involved with other girls, since I was the victim of an unprovoked physical attack by an old school friend’s drunken girlfriend - consequently I have stopped cuddling my male friend and become withdrawn around him because I am not sure if he is seeing anyone. I haven't told my male friend about the attack because he has enough to deal with right now. My male friend recently talked to me about his ex. Afterwards, I contacted him to say ‘hope I helped’ and since then the closeness disappeared, although he spends almost every spare moment with me. Then I think if he is spending so much time with me and we're going to all these places then surely he can’t have a girlfriend? He told me months ago that he is good at hiding things, which set alarm bells ringing, but he has told me that he cannot communicate very well as his words come out all wrong and get misunderstood; I think he meant he is good at hiding how he feels, as opposed to deceiving people. I’ve been trying to take a step back (even though I really want to be there for him) because I am getting very confused as to where I stand. However, my attempts at this haven’t been successful. Eg. He bombarded me with messages asking to see me which I hadn’t got around to answering and then turns up on my doorstep unannounced (frustratingly he wouldn’t come in - he didn’t spend long at my house when he was with his ex which makes me think he could be seeing someone). It kinda felt like he was checking up on me. Truth is, I want to be with him and I haven’t the heart to turn him away when he has made the effort to see me!!!He seems to be more depressed, particularly since this conversation about his ex. He seems distant, vague, and uncommunicative. I don’t know if the conversation dredged things up, or he is confused about me and my behaviour.I know I need to be more direct in communicating with him to avoid confusion, so how do I talk about these issues without appearing needy and totally freaking him out? I don’t want to pressure him too much into talking if he doesn’t want to but I need answers.I am also thinking should I stop the cuddling (unless we are boy/girlfriend) because I think one of us will get hurt when the other gets a partner and the cuddling has to cease? (I had already started developing deeper feelings for him just before we started cuddling). Thing is, I really enjoy the cuddles alot!!! Also, how can I be sure he is not using me until a better offer comes along? What do you guys think?
View related questions:
depressed, drunk, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, addavis8 +, writes (29 May 2006):
 You seem to be providing him with great support; at some degree to your expense... you are offering him some frienly female intimacy that he surely lost in breaking up with his ex. But it should raise flags that talking about her changed your relationship. And then there is the secrecy, that is never good especially if you would like to pursue a relationship.This guy sounds very similar to a lot of guys, myself included, I know. When I break up, especially after a long relationship, I obviously like my ex and miss them alot. Plus I look back and remember the good things more than the bad, this makes it hard to get over them initially. He could still be talking to her even if its on broken up terms, and because he is used to dating her, old habits that he had while he was dating her would certainly relapse. This would explain why he isnt talking to you as much, and why he told you to "shhush" during the phone call.I think your best approach would be a very straight forward approach. Ask him where you two stand, and what he thinks you mean to him. Also, it is important to find out if he is on good terms with his ex because he might need to be reminded why she became an 'ex' because I was with a girl once who kept coercing me back after I had broken up with her repeatedly because I conveniently forgot all the reasons I broke up with her in the first place after awhile. On the other hand, his slowing things down could be a good sign. Dont get too worried. I know that I need space and time and dont necessarily want to dive into another relationship after I just broke out of one. If he is indeed mutually attracted to you and sees potential for a relationship he could just be trying to collect his thoughts from his last breakup before starting with you.BUT, It's certainly isn't fair for you to be left in the dark! if you are cuddling with him, he is obligated to explain himself and what he wants with you.AHH! almost forgot, dont allow him to string you along without any conclusive answers, once you allow him to keep cuddling with you and remain secretive thats when you could be getting used while he is looking for something "better"/ trying to patch things up ...Goodluck!
A
female
reader, been_there +, writes (29 May 2006):
 the best thing 2 do is ASSSKK HIM!!itl b a litle awkward bt i sugest u tel him how u feel- maybe hes 2 shy 2 come out and say it and needs u2 initiate the conversation when it comes 2 that topic.however do let him know that ur friendship is the most important thing2 him.if he says there are no feelings explain that u would like 2 remain friends because u are unsure about how strong ur feelings are 4him in that way bt stil value his friendship...if he says he feels the same- wel there u go!! dont tri 2 look 4 hidden meanings or over analyse- dont tri 2 get inside his mind ul just get confused trust me! hope it works out 4u ! good luck!!
...............................
|
