A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have to choose between two men.#1 is kind, loving, considerate, caring, sweet, faithful, would do anything for me and makes me the centre of his universe. BUT he is boring, predictable there is no chemistry or spark between us and the sex is dull and uninspiring. He feels like an old comfortable shoe.#2 is kind, sexy, has this way about him, makes me feel beautiful and sexy... we share an undeniable and uncontrollable out of this world spark, fireworks and chemistry where we are all over each other within seconds if ever left alone.... he keeps me on my toes a little more and is not as reliable and not as thoughtful as guy #1 but the chemistry is intense and we seem to get along really well. Don't have a ton in common and are opposites in a lot of ways but something brings us together.Which one would I choose? The guy who treats me well and makes me the centre of his universe but is boring like an old shoe or the guy that I want to swing off chandeliers with and share an intense physical attraction with?It seems both of them rolled in one would make the perfect guy!!! But I can't have both.Who do I choose?????HELP!!!!! Thank you... :)
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female
reader, VioletMoon  +, writes (21 June 2013):
Neither one. Find some one new treats you well consistently and you feel attracted to. The excitement of the 2nd man will fizzle in time. Physical chemistry no matter how great is not a good reason by itself to make decisions about the man.
I suspect when he has calmed down he will break your heart. He already treats you poorly as you stated.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 My thought is just that if you can't decide, then it is because neither is good enough. If one guy was absolutely amazing and perfect for you, in your eyes, you wouldn't ask the question. But since BOTH guys are just mediocre, you can't make up your mind, because in reality you want neither. You're just fooling yourself into thinking you have to choose between these two guys, but the truth is there are tons of other guys out there in the world for you to choose from. Dare to be honest with what you want and aim high, don't settle for someone who's just got half, or barely that, of what you want and need.
I once was dating 6 guys at the same time. None were good enough, so I decided to stay single. So you don't HAVE to choose between them, you can continue to look for someone better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): Choice #1:"XXX"-LOUD BUZZING SOUND!!! ***Meaning: An indication of extreme disapproval...aka WRONG!!! WARNING: You shouldn't be the center of anyone's universe. That's a dangerous position for a human being. It's okay if you're a planet.#1 will drive you crazy over time. You don't date people to be adored and idolized, or to string them along. That's how stalkers are created.Choosing him would only be for the purpose of using and taking advantage of him. He'll realize it over time, and dump you. Hard and cold, I would hope. You're only considering him, because you think he'll be "useful." He'll do anything for you.Everything comes with a price. Believe me.Otherwise; you would have chosen him with your heart. You find him boring. That's a deal-breaker.I strongly disagree with choosing both. I know it's only a joke; but it's tempting.Obviously, you're attracted to #2. He is the best choice for you. You'll enjoy each others company; until the sparks fizzle, and the chemical reaction is neutralized. There may be more yet to be discovered. That's what youth is all about. You realize his imperfections; but you share something special between you. It may not progress beyond the present stage; but you seem to have a lot of fun together. He knows how to push your buttons and bring you to life. You deserve that.Keep your eyes open just the same; so you don't mistake lust for love. It's good to have some passion in your love-life. Just be safe and responsible.Don't play guy #1 because he's a good catch. He deserves to be with someone who truly cares for him, and values all his positive traits. However; some guys put on a good facade and they aren't really what they seem. Watch out. He might be too good to be true. The joke may be played on you!I do not condone using people or playing them along. That says something very negative about a person's character.It is selfish and narcissistic. It is dangerous.#2 may not be a keeper; but you list a lot more positive adjectives in his favor. The feelings are obviously mutual.You are single, and don't have to settle among what you perceive to be limited choices. What's the rush? You're ruling out #2; because he's may not be "marriage material;" and considering someone you don't like, because you think he is. How about some fun and healthy male companionship just for what it's worth? No strings attached!\\\ And now, time for my soapbox:Generally, women have to learn that life isn't always a mission to capture a husband. You are entitled to enjoy the company of men for the sake of healthy male companionship.You don't only date for potential husbands or boyfriends.Someone to drag to the alter; or a live-in sperm donor.Can't you enjoy just dating a man, because he brings you joy and excitement? If but only for a short while?Not based on a deadline. You must be a boyfriend or husband by... 00/00/0000.Men can teach you things, broaden your horizons. They don't have to be permanently committed, to be a positive influence in your life. Don't pretend men always play women. I see role reversal every breathing day of my existence.Learn to just allow someone to enrich your life in some way; other than reaching into his wallet; or demanding an engagement ring. Put your nets and traps away, and enjoy life just being single. Just let it comfortably run it's course and both sides part amicably. Not as friends with benefits, but as adults who appreciated each others good nature. When you do that, you will allow a good flow of eligible men into your life. Eventually, the right one makes his way in. KAPOW!!! You didn't see him coming. Stop choosing and be chosen. Allow yourself to be chased.Desperation dissipates so you can make wiser decisions;because you lifted all that pressure to find someone you can trap. He comes of his own free will.I'm gay. I've finally learned after being in long-term relationships my entire adult life; that being single is great too. I'm a whole person. Other people can bring me joy without attaching a leash. I have a good support-system and a large circle of friends. I'm not driven and possessed by my loneliness. Because I know my choices are infinite.Date the man you know you'll enjoy the most. Don't let your biological clock and a call to the altar; make you eliminate guys that can bring you fun and passion.Don't believe because a man promises you the world, that he's the right guy for you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 Take neither. Old shoes feel comfy but then they become just smelly and misshapen and you get totally sick of them. Swinging for chandeliers is very fun, for a while, a few weeks or months, but there's always the moment when you realize you need to spend time together on solid ground, not mid-air, ..and you see there's nothing to keep you together at ground level.
You need someone who's got both, the kindness and consideration etc, AND the chemistry. Of course you probably won't find the perfect man that will have fantastic,out of this world, 100% care and consideration, and fantastic,out of this world 100% chemistry, but I think you can reasonably aim to somebody that, in your eyes, has a good percentage, a good deal of both, - enough to not make you want to look around for someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): Guy no. 1 of course, because his the kind of guy who will sick with you through thick and thin.
Guy no.2 sounds like he will be around for a month or so then his gone.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 June 2013):
 Why can't you have both?
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 Neither, because neither are good enough for you. Both are lacking important qualities that you need for a successful relationship.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 June 2013):
Neither. Like you said, both of them together have what you want. But separately neither is good enough. Bettest to wait until someone who has it ALL comes along. Until then, enjoy sex with nr 2, but make no committments. And let the boring shoe find someone more suitable for him.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (20 June 2013):
 How about neither? Obviously neither one of them have ALL the qualities that make a good long-term partner.
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A
female
reader, xedep +, writes (20 June 2013):
 Both have their negatives and positives and in time all the negatives and positives will wear away or become more of an issue, In situations like this people will always choose one and then regret it and go for the other, and the whole thing turns into a HUGE complication. My advice for you is neither. WHY? Because you obviously haven't fallen completely and hopelessly in love with either of them, you obviously haven't because if you had then you wouldn't be second guessing the relationship you would just want to cling on to whoever that person is as much as possible. It doesn't matter who you choose and why, you will say that you made the wrong choice- if you in a relationship with one then break it off and see what happens- in the separation from both of them you will see which one you miss and love more and why, or perhaps you wont miss any of them, you might just feel a sadness for a time but that's it. Im speaking from experience- I had to choose once and I choose wrong and now Its impossible for me to be with the other one, I only wish I had taken my time away from them to think and see what I truly feel, and that's what I hope you will do. Hope this helps. xx
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (20 June 2013):
 so you need to choose mr. predictable or mr. goosebumps let me ask what happens with mr. goosebumps after the goosebumps stop?, after the new has worn off? what are you looking for a short term relationship, or life long partner? for a short term sexy,has a way about him, makes you feel sexy. everything you described about no.2 is how he made you feel. can feelings change, sure. you need more than goosebumps, and tingly feelings for a relationship to make the long run. let me ask which one could you trust the most, to be loyal, honest, and there for you when you need them. let me ask about no.1 now o.k. hes boring like an old shoe. can you put some polish on the old shoe, and help him come out of his shell,habits, comfort zone, ect... no.1 puts you at the center of his universe, that says he is not self centered. considerate says he things of you. caring, sweet,faithful, would do anything for me, makes me center of his universe. all of those sound like good traits. you cant change nobody, but you can rub off on each other. you just need to choose if you want comfort, and makes you the center of his universe, or swing off chandeliers and a intense physical attraction. which one sounds like it has long term lasting power. rolled into one would make the perfect guy. the only problem is their is nobody perfect, we all have our flaws. you need to just slow down , and look at the whole picture. which one would make a lasting relationship work, which one would make a short term relationship at best.
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (20 June 2013):
 I take it you are already with No. 1? And maybe time with him has turned him into a comfortable shoe... Maybe No.2 will also become a No.1 with time? New things are always exciting!
Since you asked... and I'm volunteering my advice... I would stick with No.1... because as a lady..I know the time and effort taken to make a new shoe as comfortable as a worn shoe!
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