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Help me deal with my boyfriend always being broke!

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 February 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 18 February 2017)
A female South Africa age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello. I have been in a relationship with my lovely boyfriend for 9 months now. In those 9 months we never went on an actual date. He told me that he grew up very poor so money is still a struggle but things are looking up for him and his family. He is so positive about life and has been a top achiever since high school. He seems bothered a lot about him being broke because he told me a few times that he wishes to spoil me. I have known him for years before dating him I can guarantee that he is a man of his word-he keeps his promises and fulfills them. I sometimes get impatient though because he did not buy me a gift on my birthday only a bar dairy milk chocolate and i felt like I can't even complain but yet not pleased. I couldn't hold on a grudge anymore so i told him that i expected much from him for my birthday. He told me that he would get me a gift but I should wait. I have been waiting now for two month. My birthday was on the 5th of Jan and his birthday is approaching, 27 Feb. I don't know if I should just keep waiting even after his birthday and do nothing for him or get him something. I am not rich either my parents are working hard in order to provide for me and my siblings. I already bought him a few small gifts like men bracelets and toys good for students just to say thanks to him on small things i asked him to do like to stop using strong language. He appreciated them thanked me and has ever since stopped using vulgar language. I got nothing and I don't know how far i can be patient or if I am going to need to be patient for the rest of my life with this guy. The last time I asked him for some sort of appreciation for cooking for him and giving him sex. We got into a conflict before he got the courage to buy me a large container of ice cream (I love ice cream). What do I do? He asked me if I would love to go to the zoo or museum i said any is fine. I gues I will have to wait also for that day we go out. Even though I love him I hate waiting. He has recently applied for a part time job to be a tutor at his uni I hope he gets the job because im secretly losing my mind. I feel punished for loving him and I don't know why. Sometimes he can't call me or text me because he can't afford prepaid. My only hope now is dearcupid. Please help me understand.

View related questions: money, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (18 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntSo you have sex and you think he needs to give you something in return!??! Honestly I don't think you are ready for a relationship, it sounds like you want someone who will buy you stuff. You should never exchange sex for something unless you are a prostitute. Also love should be enough not material things. I feel sorry for this poor guy

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2017):

Many thoughtful gifts doesn't require a lot if money.

I'm into oragami and crafts and cooking. So that's what I wanted him to 'gift' to me. He went on youtube and learnt how to fold stars and paper cranes and I think he even folded a rose for me. He also learned how to make a few simple dishes for a Valentine Dinner one year. Then one time I told him I want him to buy me a plane and a mansion, he used wood sticks and built me one lol...

There are many things you and your boyfriend can do to show each other how much you love each other.. it's really not about the materialistic things or how long you have to wait before he gifts you with something valuable. It really is the thought that counts. I treasure the moments more than the gifts.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (15 February 2017):

If you don't fix the problem it'll end up ruining your relationship. You said "secretly" implying you haven't told him what you've told us. Maybe you should start there. Be careful how you say it because you don't want to mistakenly hurt him. But tell him you'd like nothing more than to fully enjoy your relationship, but unless he gets a part time job you won't be able to.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2017):

Does he ask you to cook for him? Or do you do it because you want to?

I can't believe I just read that you asked him for something because you cooked for him and GAVE??? him sex.

What do you think a relationship is? An exchange of goods and services?

Cook for him because you want to, have sex with him because you want to. Don't do either to receive something form him for it.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 February 2017):

He's a student and doesn't have a job. Be reasonable and patient.

On the other hand, he could have done some kind of work and earned a few bucks somehow; so his ambition might be a little questionable.

If he's presently applying for jobs, just wait. Don't pressure him and make him feel bad! If you rob Peter to pay Paul, that's your choice. From your description, his options are limited. Money is tight.

Now there is a question about expecting something when you are fully aware of his family poverty. Yet this young man is making his way through college. I am assuming he is a freshman in college?

As I recall, that was the leanest period in my life. My family was quite comfortable financially; but most of my earned-money went to books and plane tickets to fly home! I went to an expensive private-school; and felt guilty asking for too much more from my parents. All my needs were met. I had little to splurge. I did get a job. I had a credit card only for emergencies.

You describe him as a high-achiever and good for his word. So explain your impatience?

You don't give in order to receive, my dear. You don't make people feel bad about their financial circumstances when you have full-knowledge they are extremely poor. That's being unreasonable and insensitive. You may know he's poor, but may not know how much his family sacrifices; and what he must feel like wanting to give you something and not being able to. I think even his slightest effort was from the heart.

If he is a good person, and he loves you. Please try to be kind and wait until his circumstances improve. Feel blessed for having him, if you love him like you say.

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