A
male
age
30-35,
*OTC
writes:Hey there.Umm, starting this is really hard so I'll start from the beginning and a bit of a backstory..I've recently started university and I met a girl here on my first day, in fact she was the first person I met here. A few days later we opened up to each other about ours pasts, we've both been trodden on by our parents and have been generally not had the best of times.She'd recently (a year ago-ish) come under a lot of pressure when her mum fell ill to run everything and study at the same time and look after the family (both aprents very elderly and she was very young) by herself and it drove her to stepping out in front of a car to end it all. We've both been at the point where we wanted to end it and came out alive so we got on quite well and I have a lot of affection for her.A few weeks ago, her mother fell terribly ill and she rushed to the hospital. She's been managing her family all again since as far as I know. She's back at university now, I know because I saw her from far one day..but I don't know what happened to her mum and I know she's feeling really really down right now. She can't cope with her course either and is trying to change it but the university isn't letting her and she still goes home often to take care of everything.I'm really worried about her. After getting off so well, she hasn't replied to my texts or spoken to me for weeks. I rang her today and her friend answered and said they weren't where I knew they were (at her room in the floor above me). I know she doesn't want to talk to me right now which was quite painful to take since I thought she felt she could open up to me, but more than that I'm just really worried about her. The friends she's with don't know about her past and she's fallen for a guy who's from Bahrain (we're in the UK) and already has a girlfriend but she doesn't know that..and I can't really tell her since I can't talk to her. She had a book of mine she'd borrowed and I thought maybe if she could give it back, I could at least see how she was doing, last I saw the pain was all too real in her eyes. But the book came back to me via a string of friends. I don't want her to shut herself away like she's done in the past because it'll all build up inside of her again and God I don't want her to get hurt. Not again. I know I'll never be with her since she has no interest in me but I love her like a sister too and it's so hard not to be able to do anything. I just want to know what to do. I know I could help, I've been through it all myself and so has another good friend of mine but there's just nothing I feel I can do and it's so frustrating. I'm gonna stop here before I start repeating myself a lot and make myself a cup of tea so I stop shaking.Thanks,HOTC
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male
reader, HOTC +, writes (5 November 2009):
HOTC is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks a lot for the replies guys :)
I know I need to back off and let her do her thing, I just really needed someone to tell me that, I think. It's just really hard seeing someone you care about in so much pain and not have the chance to help.
I think a letter would be an amazing idea, I wouldn't really say much of what I want to in it, because I don't want her to feel like I'm chasing her around too much, but just the important points I feel she should know.
Thanks again!
HOTC
A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (5 November 2009):
 Sounds like you really care for this girl, and that's wonderful, but unfortunately you can't make someone talk to you no matter how good your intentions are and no matter how close you might feel you were.
It is unfortunate that she has so many issues at home to cope with but she has chosen to deal with them without including you and i think the best thing you could do right now is to respect that and keep your distance. There is every chance that she does like you but doesn't want to get involved when she has so much else on her plate right now, give her the space she needs and has asked for by not answering you.
If you and her are ever to continue even a basic friendship, she is going to have to know that you're capable of giving her that space and not feel as though you're chasing her.
We all cope with situations in our own way, and she seems to be coping with hers in a way that she feels appropriate for whatever reason and all you can do is respect that from a distance.
Hopefully when she has less stress on her shoulders she'll come and find you. Until then, you have a life to lead too and you need to do that.
Good luck xx
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