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female
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*uskyrowe
writes:I have been going out with Richard for 6 weeks, we phone each other every day and have a great time when we are together. We met through a computer dating agency, the thing is I have two teenage children who do not live with me and I unsure whether I want more children, though I am not ruling it out. I am 39 and Richard is 36 and has no children of his own, I have a coil fitted so I have the option whether to have more children if I want them. He would like children one day but he says older women are at more risk of having babies and feel that I may be too old to have them. I can't bear the thought of losing him and having a child with another woman as I am growing to love him, he is a guy who is reliable, caring and loving, but at the same time I don't want to deprive him of fatherhood. How should I approach this delicate subject. Please help as I really want a future with him. Rachel Reply to this Question
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 April 2007):
 Tell him that you were going to find an 18 year old young buck, but you will consider overlooking his flaws if he can produce enough sperm to impregnate you. Well, that's about the equivalent of what he said to you, it might make him stop and think about how insensitive he was (but I wonder if he will even see himself or his behaviour in that analogy). You can always get genetic councelling and amniocentecis (sp?) if he can't bear the though of having a less that perfect child, but honestly, it really doesn't sound like he's perfect either. Love and Marriage are not about producing carbon-copies of ourselves, and if this is was so important to him, why has he waited so long himself? You, on the other hand, have already raised two children, so I really think that you have to decide the direction that you want to go in. Can you see yourself happy with another child in the future? Or are you only considering this because he wants it? It's a big step and frankly, you are the only person who knows everything that this will entail.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2007): What's with this man of yours? He's telling you...you don't fit the bill of what he wants? So what's he doing to you, then? I mean how utterly discouraging for you and making you conduct this relationship, out of fearfulness. Here is a man, who wants children someday and he's basically telling you, an older woman of 39, that this situation may not fly. And I'm trying to figure out, why you feel so much angst at trying to persuade this guy, you are the one for him. You are loveable and desirable for who you are. He's making it clear that he wants a younger woman to have his children. So why are you doing yourself a huge disservice, by dating a man who wants children, but not with you. A relationship is based on mutual love, honor and respect. I can’t give you the words to make him come see this 'baby' issue from your point of view. You could research this on the internet and look into the risks of older woman having babies. You might find out, it's not the big risk, as he thinks it is. I personally know of many women who have healthy, beautiful babies well into their forties. We live in a world now, where the prenatal care of Mothers-to-be is excellent. And women in your age group are years younger, physically, due to healthy living, great medical care, exercise, etc. Remember, you aren't seeking a coveted role, here..it's not like you are applying for a job! Mutually, loving, respectful relationships are about striving and reaching for a life goal...together. Get your pride in order and find the self-respect not to allow this fear of losing a man to over-rule your common sense and dignity. You simply cannot begin a good, healthy, adult relationship where one of the two people feels inadequate and needy. And it's unfair that he's doing this to you. I would tell him now, you are who you are and he takes you 'as is'. Hun, please don't be so desperate to attach to this guy, who is making you fearful. Be proud, be strong for who you are.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2007): It is true that older women have more difficult pregnancies and may have more risk for birth defects, however, if you really want to have children at your age, it is certainly not impossible to have a healthy baby. On a side note, he isn't exactly so much younger than you. Older men also have a higher risk of having bad sperm, which is perhaps something he hasn't considered. Either way, during pregnancy, a gynecologist will be able to run tests on the fetus to determine if it has any birth defects, so you can be sure of having a healthy baby. In addition, because of you age, things would be done to ensure that you pregancy would progress safely. If you do not want to run any risks, there is always adoption, which will certainly provide a man with a fatherhood experience. The point is that if the two of you really want to be together, children should not really be a determining factor, as there are always options.
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