A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:4 months ago, a much younger man I met in real life came after me full guns. He won't give me his phone number, but doesn't call me either. We mostly communicate by chat or email.He claims he is divorced with shared custody. He claims he is busy.We have had sex a few times, but no other dates. Again, he is "busy," and there is a complication related to my job, and his position at my work. It is not forbidden for us to be together but it could be awkward.At first, he was okay that I date/sleep with other men. He said it was casual between us. Fine with me.He disappeared for 2 months. I know.Then reappears. He insists I find a woman for a 3some.Then he demands that I stop seeing other men, becauseI "am his property," and he "found me" and so " he can make the rules." He, of course, is allowed to sleep with other women. We joke around a lot and for a while I thought he was being funny, gently mocking our (sexual) relationship. But I don't think he is.He still will not even explain why I can't have his phone number. I ask directly twice.Either he is lying to me, which I think is the case, or he so desperately wants to control me, he is employing great emotional manipulation. Or both.All I want is an explanation. The face he cannot give it to me upsets me. He says, "No questions." I cannot believe I allowed this to go on so long.I am so infatuated with him, I am having trouble getting my head clear. Be kind to me when you reply. He's hot, handsome, and in his way, a charmer.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): Tell his wife. She deserves to know.
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (19 September 2009):
 lol
find another dude to have sex with
its not that difficult
anyone, including a homeless quadraplegic would be better than this guy
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (19 September 2009):
 Best to leave it alone. He knows what he's done and all you'll be doing is showing you care. Now you know what to say if he ever calls you again... "oh, yeah, saw you on myspace...good looking wife you got there....Take a hike loser."
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I did a google search and found his myspace page and his WIFE's myspace page. update within the past week. both listed as married. both listed each other as friends, etc. LYING SOB.
should i confront him? i don't like being lied to or taken for a ride?
No questions??? SHESSHHH! no wonder.
Should I email him saying i found these myspace pages and don't ever contact me again?
I feel terrible. I feel terrible for his wife.One of the first things I ever said to him was that I don't ever date married men. He told me he was divorced.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontotally. my favorite lines are:
don't think about it ( us) so much. in time i will show you i am and what i am about.
don't ask questions.
it is not just a sexual relationship.
this is a casual adventure.
i can't give you everything you need in a relationship.
(ha! you give me NOTHING. )
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 We teach people how to treat us using a number of forms of unspoken communication.
The way we treat ourselves is a big indicator of how we will allow ourselves to be treated by others.
If someone mistreats you and you return for more mistreatment (SAYING you don't like it means nothing - you must BEHAVE as though it's unacceptable), tells people you can be used or mistreated.
There is truth in the saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
If you continue to be open to this man, you tell him you are lonely and pretty much ready to take whatever he dishes out.
I recommend you have some respect for yourself. It will inspire others to respect you.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, Incredible. Chatted for a bit late last night but NO response or reference to my email questions. None. I know he read them. But he said, he wasn't in the mood to talk, and so I didn't bring it up. Didn't say he wanted to see me this weekend or anything.
Left me feeling cold, though. Is this how you treat someone you expect to be exclusive with you? Don't see them, don't make plans to see them, blow them off for weeks?
I went to bed convinced I will block him on email & chat but this morning, I cannot. Maybe tonight.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (10 September 2009):
There might be more than DOM & SUB going on here. This guy is out to mentally abuse you and keep your self esteem down by controlling you. You have absolutely no control here and I believe you want more than whe he can give. I know you will hurt and you say you've blown it but I really think you're better off without him.
It's easy for us to tell you this but when you've had some emotional distance and when you find someone who will treat you better you will see it yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, i emailed him to ask if this was what he saw as our relationship, this Dom & Sub arrangement. But like the email asking if he was still married, no response.Of course, i cannot call him.
His pattern is to ignore anything he doesn't like. And also to disappear for days and weeks. Reappear as if nothing were wrong. And then to turn it on me, saying I am clingy and needy. Am sure he will say I am not following his rules. And he'll tell me what I need to know when I need to know it.And if i can't handle it, then good-bye.
At first I thought he was just sort of inarticulate.
Now, I am afraid I blew it by asking and he'll dump me.
I know. Count my blessings. But it still is going to hurt.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (8 September 2009):
Domination and submission is not for everyone, but there is no shame in enjoying any aspect of it, providing it is consensual and everyone gets their needs met. I agree with Quiet-Echo. He sounds like a novice dominant and he has already broken many rules related to Dominance and submission.You've already said that is not the lifestyle you would choose, but whether it is or it isn't, this is not how to have a relationship of any kind flourish.Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut I don't want this sort of relationship. I had no Idea this was in his mind. It didn't start this way.I have been so confused because I assumed it was a normal relationship and he was just sort f*cked up but now...I am just lost.
This summer, sfter disappearing for 6 weeks, he emails me that, " you am a great submissive partner," and " don't change." and then " i found what i am looking for." " i like your sexual mind."
so i am guessing the 6 weeks were looking for someone younger & cuter but didn't happen?
I emailed him asking if he was still married. or why no phone number.
No reply yet.
So, I hope the answer is yes, and he realizes I know. and just disappears.
Am really shocked by this. I had NO idea he was thinking like this. None. None. He has never mentioned it. We talked fantasies but nothing like BDSM. I don't know if we talk again, if I should say something. He's been good at backing down when he realises he's crossing a line.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I had not even thought he was trying to be a Dom, but this totally makes sense. He looks at p0rn, I know. And I have had the feeling he is trying to live such fantasies in real life- for whatever reason.
I don't think he's as experienced as he would like me to think. In fact, I know he isn't! If you know what I mean....
He backed off the 3some search after I had a bad experience.
But I had thought he was testing me to see how far he could push me, control, and what I was willing to do....
Printing out your answers to stay strong. If he calls again.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 He's a very creepy person. Repeat that to yourself one thousand times.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): You're not in a relationship, but a future hostage situation. Cut this nut off. re-read your post... he's 100% controling, and it sounds like the next step is for him to force you into some kind of Ds (DOMINATE / submissive) relationship, where you'll be wearing a dog collar and sitting at his feet.And, trust me, this IS the kind response. You need to see this as it is... he's mentally abusing you, and it's HIGHLY manipulative and will cause serious mental injury to you unless you get out very soon.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (8 September 2009):
Hi there,
Be kind to yourself. You've been taken for a ride. Please read your post and I believe you will know what you need to do. Forgive yourself, dust yourself off and move forward. When this guy contacts you again tell him you're not interested in seeing him. You will feel so much better and he will go into chaise mode but DO NOT let him catch you again. He is preying on you. You deserve better.
Take care.
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