A
female
age
36-40,
*tressHead
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for five years and we have lived together for the last two years. He is generally a nice guy, but I am certain that I want to break up with him. I am not really enjoying the relationship as I feel I should be, we are too different and this has become more and more apparent as time has gone on.He is a very quiet person and never opens up to me about anything, on the flip side I also can't open up to him as he doesn't listen to me. When I try to talk to him about something important to me, he never gives me more than a few words in reply, sometimes he doesn't even respond! He rarely asks me how my day has been when he gets back from work, I have told him this upsets me but he said it is my place to tell him without him asking. When I talk to him he often fiddles, turns up the volume on the tv/radio or walks away and starts doing something else.He does not like my friends and hardly talks to them. They have been very accepting of him, but he still sees them as just my friends. When I meet up with friends he doesn't like not coming along and will text/phone me a lot to ask what I'm doing and when I'm coming home. When he does come out with me and my friends there is always a reason why he doesn't want to (tired, wants to spend time with me etc) and he will hardly speak and will want to leave at the earliest opportunity. He does not have many friends of his own as he has isolated himself (and me) from them because he feels they have nothing in common with him anymore. He complains about the friends he does have except for one which he hardly gets to see. I never get to spend time with him and his friends as he arranges to see them when I am at work, I have not seen some of his friends for around four years because of this.He talks to his family, however when we go with them for meals with extended family, he will only speak to me and I speak to his family more than he does. He complains when I try to watch something on tv, or listen to music I like if he does not like it, sometimes he completely runs things I like down to the point that it upsets me and makes me feel like I can't be myself.He takes very little interest in my family, I have recently been back in contact with a long lost brother and sister...he knows I have missed them and wasn't able to contact them before, however he shows no emotion/support when I try to talk to him about them. I met my brother (and his wife and baby for the first time) recently and he came with me and did not say hardly anything to them. My sister wants to meet him and he agreed to this, but he obviously does not want to see her. I really want to break things off as I have not been happy for a long time, I feel like I have lost friends because of my boyfriend not wanting to keep in contact with them. I don't feel like I can be myself anymore and want some time on my own as I am only 22 (started dating him when I was young) and want to get my own personality back. The problem with breaking up is that I have tried to do this several times now...each time I end up 'having another go' at the relationship, but nothing changes. My boyfriend doesn't see that anything is wrong despite me telling him exactly how I feel. He doesn't want to break up and starts to get both very angry and very upset when I try to break up with him. I want to move out on my own and cut contact with him until we have settled in our separate lives, then perhaps remain in contact as friends. Does anyone have any advice for this? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): my situation is laid out before me in your post.
"talking" with him, leaves me with a feeling of helplessness (a word i used to sneer at). investing legitimate effort in something that is forever stagnant is not only frustrating but infuriating. he is not mean, he is indifferent. about everything, even me. i do love him, in a sense but honestly i could take him or leave him. so what can't i leave him?
i have yet to ever post on a forum unrelated to my profession but your story was moving in the "i feel your pain" sense. plus, i noticed this was around a year ago so if you're still paying any attention at all, i just have to ask... HOW THE FCK DID YOU DO IT?
thanks much! please remember how grossly-desperate you felt when writing this? that's me. right now. so any input would be like, super awesome.
differences to consider:
we've only been together a little over a year, so longevity is not a hindrance.
i am a young 24. healthy and happy (in all aspects of my life, excluding my relationship, though the stress of it has affected life more than i would ever admit).
if this reaches you, thanks again. hope it all worked out and your on to a beautiful reciprocal relationship. if you aren't, no judgement here. but food for thought:
"it's not so terrible. well, maybe a little terrible, but not unbearable. it's not poisoning to do without something you want. what's poisoning is pretending second-rate will ever become first"
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): Wow, I was trying to type in the same thing and found this, This is my relationship to the tee, so if you feel like your alone. your not. I am in the exact same position, Ive lost a lot of my friends, and the ones i do have he bearly likes or always has something to say about them, Hes also bipolar and obssessive and controlling, Its really hard to get out of the relationship, Ive made several attempts to move out but he would never let me, he gets angry and scary. Im 22 years old as well, and lived with him for 2 years also. Its really hard. I never want to have sex with him and when i do have sex it feels forced upon because im scared of the way he acts when i dont, He gets really angry and puts me down and says terrible things about me. I want my old life back, i want to socialize and have friends again but its so hard to get back on my feet because he is so financially stabled and hasnt let me work in 2 years since ive moved in with him, I come from a very disfunctional family so its hard for me to move back home. I feel lost also. You can take advice from people on here but untill they are in your shoes its impossible to listen to it. My best advice i can say to you is go to therapy and talk to someone about how you can take the next step to moving out the right way. Good luck. When you find the answer please let me know because i feel exactly the same!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 August 2009):
You don't need his permission to break up with him. It doesn't require a long discussion either.
Just tell him. "I'm moving out."
And then do it! You know you aren't happy and I can tell you are going to feel so much better without him in your life.
So just get on with it. Find a place of your own, talk to your landlord and get your name taken off the lease, get your bills put all in his name and paid up in full so you can pay what you owe and then go.
Make it a clean fast break up. He knows why you are going and has made no effort to keep you there so just go.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (29 August 2009):
 Hi Hunny
This is hard as I can see from your post, But if you are so unhappy then you must talk with him (even if he chooses not to listen) Just ask tell him you need to talk its important and then tell him just what you have said here. Then love you will have to stick to it..
You will have to go through with your plans and find your own place, This can sometimes be hard so I suggest you have a backup plan I.E a family member or friend that is willing to help in an emergency so you have somewere to go before you get settled..There is nothing worse than saying all this then having to stay in the same place with your partner as its then that you may think you will give it another try...If you are absolutly certain about the way you feel and you seem to be and you really cant talk with him and he wont understand then you do have to talk tell him and then move out straight away. This is the only way. Im sorry you are so upset at this moment and life is not good I hope this has helped in some way. If you need to talk more message me anytime TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOTS OF LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (29 August 2009):
 You have a long list of things you dislike about him. I see why you would prefer to break up, if that is what you wish then don't let him hold you back, ask him to respect you and your decision. It seems he convinces you every time to try again but focus when you are about to give in on the reasons you have for not being satisfied with this relationship and for wanting out. Hopefully it is safe to suppose he doesn't put you in chains or tie you to bed so if you really wish to leave, then do so and maybe you can stay friends if you manage to part on good terms and you give yourselves some time. Sometimes breaking up is hard to do but it does seem you are incompatible in personalities and relationship views so I doubt this could work later on. You say you have already had several attempts at a fulfilling relationship for both of you with little luck.At the most, suggest you need space and time to think but in a few days or so when you have arranged your thoughts tell him it is definitive so he doesn't stay pinned in the same place waiting, while you are looking for someone else. In fact enjoy your singlehood and it is preferable that you give it time before you jump in another relationship, think of the bigger picture and what can be done with all you have learned during all this time. All the best.
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